The Flatmate You Hate: Guy Teaching Himself to DJ!

August 14, 2019, 11:48am
DJ and MC
Photo: Jamie Clifton

"Hey, guy, can you keep it down in here please? I know you're trying to watch Luther in here on your laptop as loud as the speakers will go, because everyone keeps talking about Luther and how good Luther is, and somehow, over the past nine years, you managed to Big Swerve this entire facet of culture that even your mum has watched and re-watched twice and started referring casually in the family WhatsApp to as "Idris", as if he is a family friend.

"But, yeah, bro could you keep it down in here a bit please? I just bought four grand's worth of DJ equipment for my room but somehow neglected to buy even a single pair of headphones so I'm just clumsily working on my drill remix of "Flowers" at the volume of someone yelling at a dog.

"Oh, heads up: every time you come in the front room now I'll be listening to Big Vibe! mixes on YouTube and flicking through a stack of catalogues of DJ equipment, and I'll keep clattering home at odd hours with a load of metal cases that I'll clank into the tender walls of the hallway, leaving marks and taking chunks out of the plaster that, when it comes time to move out, I'll feign ignorance about and you'll all have to split the redecorating fee six ways.

"I wear sunglasses all the time now! I just installed an airhorn button and forgot the concept of circadian rhythms! The afterparty! Is always! At mine!"

TIME TO CALL A FLAT MEETING

TIME FOR SOME "FLATMATE DRINKS"!

TIME TO… HAVE SEX WITH THIS FLATMATE?