Tech Innovator Says Robots Should Have "Aussie Values"

Listen up people made of flesh and organs and useless, squishy, stab-able junk like that. I've got news for you: You're sharing the Earth with robots. You are. In fact, they wildly outnumber you.

Artificial intelligence. Computers that can fucking think for themselves. I know we all sort of missed it because Hollywood conditioned us to think it would be just like Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man. That we'd one day find a human-shaped, middle-aged aluminium man wandering around our house, re-stocking our fridge, and falling in love with our mum. But it's not quite happened like that. And now they're here, and you're a slave to them.

Some of them are small and unthreatening, like those hoverboards all the YouTubers own and are actually not hoverboards because they have wheels but that's another matter for another time. And some of them are sitting on your kitchen bench, full of knowledge and power and a thirst to surveil, ready and waiting for the moment your kid asks it, "Ok Google… What is a bukkake?"

They're in your home. And, according to Elon Musk, they're capable of starting World War III and there's absolutely fucking nothing you can do about it. So there's that. Wrap your little noodle around that for me, and then move on. Because it's not even the most pressing matter we're discussing today. Not even close.

In a recent speech about these terrifying, all-seeing manmade monstrosities, ex-Intel vice president and Australian mega-genius professor Genevieve Bell flagged an issue everyone has been ignoring in the race to a singularity: diversity. Essentially, that robots shouldn't all be reminiscent of virgin nerds living in Silicon Valley sharehouses but, in fact, they should reflect people of the world, and, in the case of ones shipped over here to do our bidding, I quote, have "Australian values."

Could not agree more. Could. Not. Agree. More.

Dear Silicon Valley or wherever-the-fuck: I am about to teach you about Australian values so that the next time you make a robot, I personally can relate to it.

First things first, all Australian AI should know the words to our national anthem. Written in 1990 by one of our most important cultural icons (Daryl Braithwaite), the song itself is, I reckon, Australian life turned gaseous and then bottled. It's got it everything: sad bits, happy bits, bits about animals and bits about laughing and having fun in the sun. So us.

Much like Australia, "The Horses" is a glistening, rolling landscape. One to get lost in. One to find yourself in. My point is thus: All robots must be able to participate in a "Horses" sing-a-long whenever necessary (always). Ta.

Next up: Shouting at umpires in literally any sport. If my AI doesn't stand up in the middle of a silent grandstand, in a completely inappropriate moment, to unashamedly harass an innocent umpire by questioning their ability to see properly or their cognitive ability or their sexual orientation then I'm sending the fucker back to HQ. Not joking. I am.

Another important Aussie value we as a country hold dear—one that's often overlooked in the media because it exclusively happens in the privacy of our homes—is Racism at Dinner Parties. Need examples for behavioural accuracy? No problem, here are some authentic idioms we like to trot around whenever talking over a meal:

"We've got enough problems here in our own backyard, Glenn, let's sort them out before taking new people in, eh?"

"Aw, hey, listen: I don't mind if my cabby's on the phone while driving but speak English so I know you're not taking the piss mate ha ha"

"Oh my god Carol this is so fucking perfect, let's introduce your Japanese friend to my Japanese friend and they can speak Japanese together! Cuuuute!"

If this "Aussie" "robot" is going to assimilate, it needs to be able to blurt out all kinds of racially inaccurate, insensitive, or downright hateful stuff over civilised dining.

Oh! Now. Mustn't forget to engineer these walking cyberfreaks so that they are able to drink and drink and drink and drink. Alcohol, that is. Beer in particular, but anything at all in the scheme of things, really. Bundy. An $8 bottle of white wine. Some hideous concoction of red cordial and beer or maybe cider and then also vodka (I'm not totally sure how a Snakebite works.)

Anyway, if these metal wankers are going to be Australian in any way, shape, or form then they've got to be able to drink. They've got to be able to drink until they're spewing up a still-warm mixed kebab on the side of a busy street at 3 AM while passers by yell, "Taxiiiiii!" at the poor bastard like they didn't do the exact same thing 15 minutes earlier.

Possibly the most important thing—and I know this might be a bit difficult seeing as robots are not quite yet masters of tone and subtext (or are they?…)—is it's absolutely essential the Aussie robot is able to express the entire spectrum of human emotion with one utterance of the word "mate." For example, the nuance with which "Mate, I get what you're saying" is said can mean the difference between being Coward Punched and being asked to be someone's best man at their wedding. So quite necessary to master.

And there you have it: The quintessential traits that all Australians have and, if not, should have, because that's life and if you don't like it you can quite frankly get a dog up ya.

Follow Issy on Twitter