Some Guesses on Whose Face is on This Brandi Chastain Plaque

the USWNT legend was inducted into the Bay Area Hall of Fame yesterday and the plaque is, uh, interesting.
Image via Twitter/@GrantWahl, Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

For all of the heights we have achieved as a people, humanity still can't seem figure out this whole Memorializing People on Plaques and Statues thing. We've got the murderous Lucille Ball statue in western New York, Nashville's ode to the Confederacy, and of course Cristiano Ronaldo as portrayed by Sloth in a Portuguese airport. We now welcome USWNT legend Brandi Chastain to club.

Chastain was inducted into the Bay Area Hall of Fame yesterday and, my God, the plaque is like if Tim Burton and David Lynch set out to think of the most disturbing and terrifying thing in the darkest recesses of their minds.

I mean….what?? I just don't know how these things ever go public. When whoever was in charge at the Bay Area HOF, or just, like, that person's child, first saw this thing, how do they not immediately just say Well, we certainly can't let anyone see this. But, as you can probably tell, no one did that and the Hall instead chose to "honor" Chastain with enshrinement into the Statuary Grotesqueries category of modern art.

This plaque looks like it could be one of a hundred or so people and none of them are US Soccer legend Brandi Chastain. Some names include:

  • Jon Voight, specifically in Varsity Blues
  • Gary Busey, specifically in Point Break
  • Billy Bob Thornton, specifically in Sling Blade
  • Some other person named Brandi Chastain, who has probably had a pretty rough go of things
  • Literally any offensive line coach in the NFL or college football
  • Late character actor Lane Smith
  • The Sidler from Seinfeld
  • Former President Gerald Ford
  • Biff Tannen
  • Mike Francesa
  • Sean Spicer
  • Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer