This article originally appeared on VICE Canada.
It’s been a long time since a person has entered the pantheon of all-time tough-as-hell motherfuckers.
Not since the days of Kimbo Slice fighting men in backyards to feed his family have we had a contender. That changes today as I would like to submit this weed clerk who fought off three robbers with a bong after taking a face full of bear spray into that canon of all-time toughies. Come with me as I lay out my case—yes it was all caught on video.
Actually, the video, which was posted online by a user named Big Daddy Dishrags, is almost just too perfect to be real. But a quick check of the Tyendinaga Police Service shows a Facebook Post describing what happened and asks for the public’s assistance in identifying the suspects. Police say that it all went down on September 6, at around 4 PM, at the Recreational Cannabis Farmers Market in Shannonville, around 200 kilometers [124 miles] northeast of Toronto.
Police say that three men entered the store and were met with “great resistance” by the “clerk who is from Tyendinaga Mohawk Territory.” Even though it’s an incredibly odd choice of words for some cops, “great resistance” is an accurate descriptor. So, without further ado, let’s take a look at what they mean.
The video starts calmly with just the clerk and his co-worker walking around the store. The man walks behind the counter with the smallest dog you’ve ever seen in tow. Then, after about 50 seconds of nothing happening, the monotony is suddenly broken.
Three men dressed in black hoodies with painter masks and rubber gloves rush into the building yelling “DOWN,” “GET THE FUCK DOWN,” and just straight up empty a goddamn can of bear mace. Now here is where shit gets wild. Does our hero, "The Man with the Small Dog," allow his store to be robbed?
No, fuck that, our man comes at them with a bong—a fucking BONG!
Yup, as one of the men scoots around the side of the counter he is met with our hero, bong in hand, doing that weird hopping thing that you do before entering mortal combat. You know where you’re kind of just bouncing toward somebody because you’re ready for anything. He moves on the robbers brandishing the bong—it’s one of those larger (but not novelty large) glass bongs that your friend who is just a little TOO into weed owns—like you would a glass pipe.
As he’s moving, the man with the pepper spray continues to spray it at him but it’s not working and the would-be robber who was trying to round the counter ski-fucking-daddles. At this moment, you can notice, the entire power hierarchy of this situation gets completely reversed. No longer are the men with the bear spray in charge, no, like a stoner John Wick, our hero behind the counter has fully taken the reins.
Look at this guy.
For a solid six seconds, he has these would-be robbers just completely stumped and terrified. He’s brandishing the bong alternatively like a lead pipe and a baseball bat. He moves with a hand out just reaching for a hoodie to grab. He switches his focus from one to another to another and just completely has them stuck. They’re facing down a bong-wielding terminator who just walked through a cloud of bear spray and wasn’t fazed—I’d be frightened as well. Honestly, if the video just ended here it would be amazing but it’s what happens next which elevates it to an all-timer.
The would-be robbers know they’re not up against a simple clerk here and that their only hope to get out of this situation is weapons. So… looking around they grab the only thing available—a recycling bin.
The would-be robber brandishes this at the clerk and he just does not give two shits. The man shrugs his shoulders so nonchalantly, like it’s just another day in the office. You can almost read his thoughts in this moment and they’re a simple deep sigh and a “well… It’s a living.”
“What are you going to do with that?” asks the man defending his store (who just got bear sprayed and is currently facing down three robbers with a bong) incredulously.
Well, his opponent knew what he was going to do with it—the thing is though, it was not that great of a plan. The would-be robber hurls it at our man with all the gusto he has and actually sends it flying at a pretty good clip. However, our hero ducks it absolutely perfectly and allows it to just skim off his back. Now the bong-wielding clerk starts moving in on the would-be robbers—probably only because he’s getting bored of toying with them.
The man again shows his boredom with the situation by dropping his arms briefly before moving in for the kill. Bong held high, he charges and the men get the fuck out of there as quick as can be. As they flee, the clerk finally swings the bong, smashing it on something (someone?) and sending the bowl flying backward behind him. Then, just after they’re out of his hair, he takes a few moment to holler insults at the—remember, three—guys who tried to rob him. He slams the door shut behind them and then instructs his co-worker to call someone named Pete.
We don’t know who Pete is but, since they'll be assuredly making a movie out of this, I assume that he will play a big role in the sequel.
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