Thank God, the UK's Sexiest Politicians List is Here

Every year, we have to debate whether conservatives or liberals are hotter thanks to some new survey or study. Propping up this discussion is the website SexyMP, which pits ruddy old white men against each other in the most cursed game of "would you rather" since daddy or chips. Then, of course, there's the annual UK's Sexiest Politicians list, which is voted for by members of IllicitEncounters.com – a dating website for married people – and is very important.

The thing is: all political figures are sexless cucks except for young Stalin and, based on game alone, Henry VIII. So the entire premise of this discussion is flawed. That said, the results of UK's Sexiest Politicians often reveal a lot about the mentality of the British populace in relation to our environment. For example, this year:

– Theresa May dropped from 2017's top spot to third least sexy of 2018. In addition to her increasingly weakened position in the Brexit discussions, which has probably knocked the wind out of the Tory backbenchers who refer to her as "mummy", I imagine this dip in popularity can be largely attributed to how much she has been publicly dancing.

– Walking pub carpet Nigel Farage has won least desirable male, while DUP leader Arlene Foster has been crowned the least desirable female. Stands to reason. Nobody fancies arseholes.

– Labour trumped the Conservatives as the sexiest overall party. I'm not sure why this is, but there were a lot of young new MPs elected to Labour in 2017, so possibly ageism.

All of this is according to a survey of 3,000 adulterers who use IllicitEncounters.com. I can't find a demographic breakdown of the user-base, but it's fair to assume it's frequented by people in their fifties who can't be arsed to learn how to communicate this late in life, and therefore opt to rescue their marriage via a series of illicit dry handjobs. It is for this reason that I'm not sure they can be trusted, and also why I decided to pore over the list and argue the cases for and against those involved.

Pros: The Google suggested searches for "John Bercow" are "Height, Salary, Twitter", which tells me he's been very successful in cultivating both mystery and clout from his Big Chair in the House of Commons, where he mostly smirks and tells off some of the most powerful people in the country for acting "very downmarket". Patronise me, daddy.

Cons: Not to muddy the objectivity of this list with non-cosmetic judgments, but an investigation into bullying at Westminster recently accused him of having an embarrassingly explosive temperament, which isn't hot or cool whatsoever. Strip him of his title and sub in someone more innocuous, like Bambos Charalambous, otherwise we'll be forced to reckon with Tommy Robinson's post-prison glo-up, and quite frankly he doesn't need the encouragement.

Pros: ASMR-friendly voice.

Cons: Would probably use it to discuss contemporary feminist perspectives on Karl Marx.

Pros: Young Ed Miliband – seen here talking to ITV News in a charity shop jumper with an expression that suggests someone just interrupted his monologue about the rebellious magic of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to inform him that Matthew Broderick accidentally killed someone – resembles at least three of my ex-boyfriends. Even today he has a youthful glint of slyness that I can see being read as alluring, especially to anyone trapped in an insipid marriage somewhere in deep Essex. However,

Cons: IF THAT'S HOW HE EATS A BACON SANDWICH I DARE TO THINK HOW HE EA-

Pros: Every press shot of Yvette Cooper makes her look like the chaotically single but outspoken female friend in a 90s British comedy. In reality, she is married to Ed Balls. I can't possibly think of two finer identities.

Cons: This is somewhat near to what I will look like when I'm 49, but with far less dignity, so I have made the executive decision not to analyse the cons here. Yvette Cooper: underrated.

Pros: A mixture between your one friend's hot dad and every dude you swipe right on, even though he only has two photos – one smiling in front of some decent Victorian architecture in graduation robes, one looming over a cheese board on a skiing holiday – because he looks like he would take you out to a really expensive restaurant and pay for everything. He also looks like he’d call you a bitch for not sharing his cab home afterwards, but: worth it.

Cons: Little mouth (and all that dog-whistle stuff during his mayoral election).

Pros: The Nigella Lawson of British politics, Penny Mordaunt can pretty much get away with saying anything she wants because she’s got an absolutely stunning blow-dry, 90s bombshell eyebrows and the vocal timbre of a dominant middle-class mum. In 2014 she delivered an innuendo-laden spoof speech about the welfare of chickens after losing a bet to someone in the navy, which is almost funny if you’re the sort of person who can make light of the political system because it doesn’t affect your life in any way. Someone at The Telegraph decided to run with the headline "Penny Mordaunt's naughty cock speech", which tells you all you need to know about her sex appeal among the conservative depraved.

Cons: Popular girl who self-preserved by bullying everyone else around her for not hitting puberty at age 12 vibes. Very sinister.

Pros: Gentle eyes, trustworthy face, concerned demeanour. Just seems like a really lovely bloke, to be honest; like he would hold the door for you without having a mini-crisis of masculinity about it.

Cons: … too respectful?

Pros: Her name!!!!

Cons: Her name :(

Pros: Looks and sounds like he could feasibly have been a member of The Fall.

Cons: Also looks and sounds a bit like a Northern Bradley Walsh.

Pros: Impossible to discuss Esther McVey without mentioning that she spent the duration of the 90s dressed like this. Lots of belly chains and leopard print to be found here – the aim of which seems to be "graceful member of the supermodel elite", but whose end result is usually "Tara Reid" or a pre-packaged Halloween costume called "Sexy Diana".

Cons: She looks normal now.

Pros: Jeremy Corbyn is 69 years old (nice). To put that into perspective, that's bang in the middle of Jeff Goldblum and David Lynch. Some people would say that's too old – to be prime minister, to be stimulating to someone in their twenties, whatever. But if he looked at me the way he looked at Andrew Marr the morning after the Conservatives lost their majority in the 2017 election I'd be turning it on faster than you could say "big bag of cans".

Cons: Unforgivably bad at making frittatas.

Pros: Banter MP, which is a very powerful quality in every arena of life and especially difficult to pull off (within politics) while being on the right side of history. Shout out that time she and Jonathan Bartley replied to Michael Gove's claim that the Conservatives were the most "ambitious, green party in this country" with a selfie of them laughing their nuts off at a train station.

Cons: Her Twitter icon always makes me see her in the same light as a young adult book author – an edgy Jacqueline Wilson type – which is impossible to sexualise without destroying vast swathes of your childhood.

Pros: A newcomer to the list, James Cleverly has a great smile and the booming, granular voice of a tormented protagonist in a BBC crime drama. I’m listing this as a pro because, beyond serving as the righteous hand of justice, the main appeal of every tormented protagonist in a gritty BBC crime drama is obviously that they’re positioned as intentioned loners who need to be saved from themselves through the disarming power of a rabid pounding on someone’s kitchen island.

Cons: He uses the same intonation as the cast of The Inbetweeners, which would make him fantastic company but a dreadful flirt.

Pros: You had me at "Neoliberalism has fallen to pieces".

Cons: Wears them really fat pearl necklaces with matching earrings, which should be classed as a criminal activity for anyone who isn’t Jackie O.

Pros: I have seen photos of Jeremy Hunt on his way to work on a cold winter's morning, wearing a quaint little scarf and being on the phone, and there’s almost a sweetness about him. His features seem softer, his eyes twinkle like he’s watching his firstborn successfully ride a bike without stabilisers for the first time. All of which would be charming in a Richard Curtis rom-com sort of way if he wasn't talking enthusiastically about killing off the poor by rapidly dismantling the NHS.

Cons: Wretched scum. Get him off here.

Pros: Woke Big Suze.

Cons: N/A. What's not to like.

Pros: So, here's the thing. Obviously, Boris Johnson is Boris Johnson – an overgrown child who delivers speeches about tax cuts like he's doing improv comedy at a school assembly – and that is inherently repellant. Terrible stuff. But. But… if the option somehow presented itself… would you? I've given this some thought, and I really do think that, if I found myself properly leathered somewhere in Mayfair on a particularly manic upswing, I might consider it. Not because it would be any good. It categorically wouldn't. Not for the story, either – plenty of weirdos to be found on Tinder; you don’t need to fuck a deplorable for that. I just reckon it’d be a laugh? Based on how he tends to conduct himself at times of international crisis, he doesn’t strike me as a man who takes himself too seriously. While this is a heinous quality to possess as someone even vaguely responsible for the lives of many, it’s not without virtue elsewhere. Unlike many of his peers, he seems like a man without hangups. A guy who would, loudly and messily, inform you what fun he is having, and that would bring me – not pleasure, exactly, but a sensation close to achievement. A rare commodity in this austere climate. We're all capitalism's little bitch, at the end of the day. Might as well consummate it with an aggressive metaphor.

Cons: Three words for you: cleaning up process.

Pros: Raging socialist.

Cons: Boris Johnson inverse. There's a quote somewhere about not being able to find someone sexually viable as soon as you respect them as a well-rounded human being, and I think that’s something that can be applied to this whole sordid little experiment and beyond.

@emmaggarland