Welcome to All the Shit, a monthly column in which I prepare you for the season ahead by consulting the planets or whatever. Ignore your parents. Ignore your therapist. This is the only advice you’ll need from now on.
I'm not going to bore you with the details, but everyone I've ever dated was born during the same week. Three of them were born on the same day, in 1991. And because I don't usually burn bridges once a romance has ended (I'm a queer Libra, we hold shit together), this has meant that, for one week in December, I have to go to loads of birthday parties. Last year I just booked the week off work. It's exhausting. Another thing: they're all Sagittarius – which is, imo, one of the most fun and charismatic signs of zodiac.
Sagittarius people are ruled by the planet Jupiter – the largest planet in the solar system. They're gregarious, open-minded and also weirdly lucky. They're the kind of people who will emerge glowing from the sesh while the rest of you are curled up in the foetal position, trying to choose a Netflix film with your foot. They're blunt and loud, usually, but because they don't care about it nobody else seems to either. They're also notoriously hard to pin down, because they're always moving, forever bored, on a constant quest for freedom and fresh stimuli.
There are downsides to Sagittariuses, too. They don’t listen – wow, they do not listen – and they’re often so busy doing whatever the fuck they want that they miss the nuances of a situation, the finer details, the shadows behind the sun. The things they do like, they consume like insatiable beasts, like that faceless ghost in Spirited Away who eventually turns into a gnashing monster with giant teeth.
All of which is to say: this is going to be the big mood of the next few weeks. Please, take note, stay cautious. Here’s what to expect:
OTHERWORLDLY LEVELS OF CONSUMPTION
You will consume a lot over Christmas – groundbreaking! No, but really. As I mentioned earlier, Sagittariuses are ruled by the planet Jupiter, and Jupiter is the planet of luck, expansion and amplification. What this means for you is that – regardless of your sign – over the next few weeks you will be less inclined to do anything in half measures. Feeling hungry? Have a slice of cake and drown it in cream, why don't you. Feeling horny? Slide into the DMs; slide into all the DMs. Max out your credit card. Get heavily into psychedelics. Fry everything you eat. Do it all.
YOU WILL PROBABLY WANT TO GET TF OUT OF HERE
Sagittarius season brings with it a kind of restless energy, a flighty mood, an urge to escape, just like Sags themselves. As such, don't be surprised if you feel more drawn to the idea of ditching all your previously made plans and WhatsApping your mum at 3AM to tell her that no, you won’t be coming home for Christmas to eat unseasoned turkey and Bisto with your Football Lads Alliance uncle and normie cousins. You will be going Cuba alone instead.
THIS SEASON IS ALSO ABOUT LIVING YOUR WIDER TRUTH, IN GENERAL
Here, come closer, child, let me tell you something I have learned as the years have piled up behind me, as my skin has become weathered and papery thin: sometimes, being truthful is: good? Peeling away the layers of deceit and inauthenticity that most of us cling to in order to "get by" can feel liberating, and can make the world around us accelerate faster and in a direction that fits us better. Sagittariuses know this already. Or, more accurately, that’s their natural mode of expression. They do not care for bullshit, and therefore they thrive.
Under the influence of the sun in Sagittarius, you can expect to embrace this side of yourself too. And I don’t mean the little things, like admitting it was you who ripped a piece off your flatmate's special olive cob and dunked it in their unopened hummus when you got home pissed. I mean finally quitting your job because it's boring. Or dumping your boyfriend of five years because watching Netflix every evening in silence with a man who hates the Kardashians and loves vaping does not constitute a happy life, and deep down you know this. There’s a reason most breakups happen two weeks before Christmas – it's Sag season. Now is the time to live your truth. We are all literally dying minute by minute.
FINALLY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, MAKE SOME WISHES!!!
This is no ordinary Sagittarius season. This is an extra special Sagittarius season, because Jupiter has moved into Sagittarius for the first time in 12 years and will remain there until October of 2019. What this means for you individually will depend on where Sag is located on your chart (if you don't know your chart already, why are you even reading this??). In general, though, this will be a v lucky, optimistic and
adventurous time for everybody. Sag season has that vibe anyway, so for the next few weeks it will have it two-fold. In other words, make some wishes. Cultivate your desires. Call in some cosmic favours. Manifest your dreams.
But remember, always: be careful what you wish for, because it will probably come true this time. See you for Capricorn season.