Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau attended the G-20 meetings last week and while there were a number of newsworthy things to come out of Hamburg, the thing that really caught our attention was our poor prime minister walking around a meeting room looking for a friend. Politics columnist Drew Brown takes us inside Trudeau's head as he deals with the awkwardness of having no one to talk to.
Alright. Alright. Alright. Be cool man. You have been listening to Peter Gabriel's "Big Time" on repeat for the last twenty minutes. Just walk in there like you own the place and everything will be fine.
Justin Trudeau takes a deep breath and glides into the G20.
Nonchalant. Casual eye contact only, no staring. They'll come to me. I'm Justin Trudeau, I've been in Vogue.
Okay, Angela's busy. Is that guy looking at me? No? I'll nod anyway. It's cool. I'll catch up with these people later. They've got stuff going on, it's not a big deal, it's not personal. No stress. This will be fine.
Fuck, this is awkward. I'll, uh, just go back to my seat and hang out.
Ugh. Of course Don's there shooting his mouth off. I can't get away from this guy. I go to the bathroom and he's just standing there next to the sinks trying to talk to everyone coming out of the stalls. "Get a load of this soap! This is nice soap. Not as nice as the soap in my hotels, obviously. We've got fantastic soap. Terrific soap. But this is really great soap. Just smell this. Have you ever used a soap like this?" Yes dude we've all used the soap, what is this, are you just now discovering you've got to wash your hands after taking a dump? Is this your first encounter with soap? Who are you? How are you the president? Everyone else has the good sense to duck out but no, this Canadian is too nice and suffers through ten minutes of this guy cracking jokes about the soap.
It's cool. It's cool. I'll just play it like I'm getting ready for this next session and that I'm too busy unpacking my bag to notice him. OK, what do we have here. Some pens… cool… are these all my pens? Really? Yep okay all the pens are out on the table… Don's not looking at me, why isn't he looking at me? Ugh. Anyway. Got my papers here… yep. Some good notes in here, absolutely.
Oh, shit! I should just check my phone. You're never alone if you've got a phone.
Christ, that's sad.
Where did I put that thing… it's not in here. Maybe it's in my pocket… oh fuck we made eye contact. Fuck. Fuck.
"This guy! Now this is the guy, let me tell you."
For fuck's sake. Now this German guy will think I'm a dick too. I can see it in his face. These people are so judgmental.
"Ha ha, you're too much President Trump."
Ahhhh yep okay he's going in for the hug. Great.
Wait—is he leaving? He can't leave, he's the only guy I know here. Shit. What do I do?
"Uh, hey Don—uhh you know I think it's pretty great that you brought Ivanka out here."
Yes, that will get his attention.
"Yeah, that was a really good call. Showing you're a good family man with a successful daughter —nice. I thought it was cool."
"Oh, thanks. Anywa-"
"Yeah, you know, it's tough here at these things. You go out, you have to hand out your cards to people, you've gotta mix around but you're never really sure if they get you, you know what I mean? I feel like you get that."
"What? Yeah, sure. Anywa-"
"Yeah, you've gotta go, you're a busy man, sure. But we'll talk later right? North America, gotta stick together, am I right?"
"Yeah, sure. Me and you, we'll talk later or whatever."
"Yeah man that would be great. Absolutely. Can't wait. That'd be cool."
He's walking away.
"See you later Don!"
That was really awkward.
Really? Nobody else around?
Is that Angela? Shit. She must have seen me with Don. Fuck. Now everyone thinks I'm friends with that guy. Am I friends with that guy? Maybe.
It's cool. It's cool. Don't worry about it. Definitely don't start overthinking all the possible ways you could have handled that encounter differently. What if no one else talks to me now? Did Trump even want to talk to me? Was I boring Donald Trump?
Ugh. Stop it. Who cares if Donald Trump isn't that into you. It's Donald Trump. Nobody that votes for me likes that guy anyway. It's fine. You did fine. People get it. Everyone else has their own stuff going on, it's fine, it's not personal. Right? Remember what the counsellor told you. It's not personal. You're still cool.
I gotta sit down. This is worse than high school. Follow Drew Brown on Twitter.