This post appeared originally on THUMP UK. You can keep your pills mate, because as far as I'm concerned there's nothing that beats the rush of coming up on words. The tingle in my fingers as I ripple the pages of the OED, my teeth grinding furiously over subjunctive verbs, my pupils wide as dustbin lids as I cram every imaginable lexical disambiguation under the hot, summer sun mate. 'Ave it.
Oneof the strangest uses of words is the self-defeating desire to explain music using them. The best thing about music is that—bar lyrics—it exists outside the prescriptive confines of language. What we feel when we listen to it is self-specific and inarticulable, which is why we listen to it, because it means more than words could ever say. Nevertheless, chumps like us continue to try anyway, building entire careers on attempting to communicate through letters what music is able to say a thousand times better in a single note. Understandably, to assist us in this fool's errand, we've created terminology for every kind of club-ready weapon or beach-side bliss-out you'll ever hear.
Given the pace of the ever-shifting music industry, and the rapid-fire wit of music journalists, it can be hard to stay abreast of (a) what these terms are, and (b) what sort of track they refer to. What, for example is the difference between a slammer and a slapper? Can you tell your rippers from your face-melters? Well my friend, quell that panicking stomach of yours. You know now, thanks to THUMP's definitive Dancefloor Dictionary.
NB: Hadn't spotted this when I started writing, but shouts to 2B Real man Finn who basically
made this joke already
. Also, yes, these probably should be in alphabetical order, but hey, it's the future and everything is meaningless!
1. banger, archetypal term for any good piece of music ever made
E: "Girl From Ipanema" is an absolute banger, mate
1. heater, a crowd-pleasing track that raises the temperature rather than the roof
E: THIS IS A HEATER! WHAT IS THIS? EXCUSE ME…EXCUSE ME…TRACK ID MATE? WHAT IS THIS? MATE…TRACK ID? MATE.
1. screamer, a track so audacious it seems louder than everything else you've heard all night
E: Hellfire! What a screamer! Ay carumba!
1. blooter, for tracks that sound like really good goals
1. slapper, the type of number that introduces a little bit of a sauce into proceedings
E: Chyyyyyz, I've found myself a bit of a slapper…and not for the first time!
1. slammer, club-ready track that doubles as ceiling remover
E: Crikey Moses, keep them slammers coming and I won't have any ears left by the time the night's through! No, I'm only joshing you carry on, I'm having an absolutely wonderful evening.
1. belter, for music that makes you feel like you've been leathered in the tummy with a sock-full of snooker balls
E: WAZANGO, bleedin' belter, I simply love it!
1. drifter, for balmy tracks that gently wash over the shoreline like dozy rubber rings
E: Jeeves, pass me the Aperol, and for heaven's sake, keep those woozy drifters coming.
1. rib-tickler, a bass-heavy skeletal deconstructor
E: I cannae bear it! What a rib-tickler! No! My ribs! My ribs are leaving my body!
1. trunk-rattler, even more bass-heavy vehicle demolisher
E: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to turn off your engine, because that absolute trunk-rattler has got to be against the law! Criminal behavior!
1. bubbler, the sort of bassline that sounds like an affable, rotund man falling down the stairs
E: Cheeky little bubbler, this one's going to pop off like a Champagne cork in a deep-sea submergence vehicle….truss mi daddy!
1. face-melter, an aggressively acidic track that threatens to remove the features from your frontal lobes
E: You'd better tuck a baby-wipe into your collar, this one's a real face-melter!
1. dennis-skinner, a curmudgeonly old beast of a track guaranteed to get the night off with a growl
E: A real Dennis-Skinner, this is. They think it's Bolsover….it is now!
1. rumtugger, a wacky, fun-loving floor-filler, the sort of track that really gets 'em rolling in the aisles!
E: By jove, what a set, it's all the rumtuggers tonight! Do you remember the Great Depression? Aren't pinstripe suits sick?
1. guzzler, the aural equivalent of pint of cream being poured in your ears, a right proper, fat bastard, Henry VIII of a track
E: Rude, rude, rude guzzlers all night, stay tuned! Going to be seriously greedy my dudes.
1. bamboozler, that special type of mad track that really leaves you spinning for days on end
E: Play this one when you bury me mum. Real, proper bamboozler.
1. penny-whistler, that dandy end of the night tune for all the true gentlemen out there
E: Right penny-whistler that one. Pure class.
1. bobby-dazzler, an old favorite, possibly from before your time, but appreciated nonetheless
E: Stick a bit of that on, do us a favor, turn this shite off and stick a bit of Gary Shearston on. For fuck's sake, we've been listening to that interminable fucking bollocks all fucking evening and it's been doing my fucking head in. All I'm asking, is for you to put a fucking Gary Shearston song on. Please? Alright? I'm begging you now, put some fucking Gary Shearston on, I beg you. Alright? Yes. Yes, just one, and then I'll fuck off and you can put whatever on. Yes, "I Get a Kick Out of You," right bobby-dazzler that one. Brilliant, thanks cheers boss.
1. wengdipper, that one track that slips and slides like a banana down a u-bend
E: Shiver me timbers, what a classified, otherworldly, head-spinning wengdipper!
1. daft-bugger, that one silly sod of a track you can't help but keep coming back to
E: Pop that daft-bugger on again, why the heck not?