We're going to need a lot more selfies. Photo by The Canadian Press
Look. Getting re-elected was never going to be entirely easy for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, even when the competition is Andrew Scheer and Jagmeet Singh, who just earned his seat in the House last week. But it’s proven to be a long winter for JT, with two of his highest-profile female cabinet ministers resigning, and calling him out for his integrity to boot!Now this SNC-Lavalin story has proven to be a real pain in the ole butt for Trudeau, as no one seems to be paying attention to his plans to put Canada on the moon (Maple Space Force?) or solve climate change once and for all. (First bit of advice, the biggest newspaper chain in the country is not going to be tricked into reporting on climate change, Mr. Prime Minister.)The bar for re-election was always going to be a bit tougher than “I am not Donald Trump” but it appears that Trudeau needs some help convincing the media to move on from SNC-Lavalin. So, here are 100 ideas for Trudeau to pivot away from Yet Another Liberal Scandal Involving Quebec and Responding by Acting Like Toronto Private School Snobs towards something more re-electable.*Reply to all of Donald Trump’s tweets with responses beginning with “sir.”Go on Joe Rogan (or Hot Ones if he doesn’t make the cut)Two words: Vegan taxTwo different words: Meat taxDo the Momo ChallengeGet really good at FortniteGo for 2,000 more shirtless jogsGo for a long walk in the snow with a really cute puppyA really confusing tax plan that only benefits parents in two-income homesDo something, anything, about affordable housingIntroduce the media bailout plan…but say it’s only going through after re-electionPivot to videoLeak a sex tapeAsk yourself, “What would Stephen Harper do?”End every speech with “….reality bites, man.”Start building that pipeline yourselfOr: Admit you can build a pipeline or meet climate change goals, but probably not bothRedesign 2019 voting ballot to Do you have a crush on me? ☐ Yes ☐ NoHave a very public “wardrobe malfunction”Go on WTF with Marc Maron, tell him about your guysJustin and Sophie cosplay as Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton and every time he gives a presser he says, “I got a little something for ya,” and the two of them launch into “Islands in the Stream”Justin and Sophie cosplay as Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga and every time he gives a presser she runs on the stage and says “tell me something boy,” and the two of them launch into a very sensual duetCosplay as Snow and perform “Informer” at the debatesFree tuitionPivot to Baby BoomersGet divorced to become more relatable to baby boomersJoin a Facebook hate group to become more relatable to baby boomersBecome a Q-Anon guy to become more relatable to baby boomersActually do something to address the opioid crisisPromise to break up the milk cartelWrite a compelling 1,000-word essay for the Globe and Mail about how Schitt’s Creek is very quality family entertainmentStart rival media company NICELearn to make trap beats100 percent female cabinet. “Because it’s 2019”Legally change your name to JT-MoneyStart a tag-team with The RockSheepishly bring 338-pack of Timbits into next House of Commons debateStart every speech with “My good friend Barack Obama says…”Make Kawhi Leonard re-sign with the Toronto RaptorsNationalize the Edmonton Oilers (Make Connor McDavid Great Again!)Introduce Jordan Peterson as a Liberal candidateStart a drag career as Miss Pan D’EringBecome Brooke Lynn Hytes’ PABring In and Out Burger to CanadaExcommunicate Tristan ThompsonTurn Saskatchewan into the world’s biggest outdoor waterparkLet Quebec secedeLaisser le Québec faire sécessionLet Alberta secede
[spits out chewing tobacco] Let ‘berta go it’s own dang wayChallenge Singh and Scheer to an old-school street fight (Here’s how we think it would go if he fought the former)Make a video with Kellie LeitchStar in the remake of From Justin to KellySmoke a blunt on camera. Just do itRemove British monarchs from our currency and replace them with members of NickelbackRename New Brunswick, New FunswickRename New Brunswick to No Funswick, alerting tourists to the dangerHave a body double arrested and claim you were kidnapped and stuffed in a box shortly after the 2015 election and this is the first you’ve heard of any broken promises or ethical shortcomings. (Possibly Stephen Harper body double wearing a Justin Trudeau mask? We can workshop this on the private jet you will no doubt be sending by the time you finish reading this good-ass idea.)Adopt a dog and make it the prime minister. Since it’s a dog you’ll basically still be in charge, but no one will get mad at a dog prime minister.Do NOT make a cat prime minister. They do not respect the authority of man.Pivot to listsMake Ben Harper a senatorFight Ben Harper now that he’s a senatorDo that naked walk like in Game of Thrones but with Brian Mulroney ringing the bell and yelling “shame, shame, shame…” as you make your way from downtown Ottawa to the HillGive everyone a free HBO subscription so they can watch the final season of ‘Game of ThronesMake a decree renaming the Conservatives the Liberals and the Liberals the Conservatives, in the hopes that everyone will be confusedMake a decree making the NDP stand for New Dick PartyPeddle SNC-LavaLampsY’know, finally resolving the Indigenous water crisis would make up for this a bitJust cancel the Saudi arms dealSend Conrad Black adrift on a piece of ice … and Margaret Wente tooInvade GreenlandLearn to codeLeak to Sun Media you are thinking about instituting Sharia LawAnnex Buffalo, declare it New VegasReveal that as a drama teacher, you taught BOTH RyansPen a viral Trudeau-Timberlake fanfic Lustin’ JustinsMake all your talking points about how you went to Peru, did ayahuasca and, like, we just don’t get it, manBring back the Vancouver Grizzlies (who are we kidding, Vancouver doesn’t deserve a basketball team!)Stage another charity boxing match against his greatest enemy: himselfBecome a beauty YouTuber and start each vlog with, “HEEEEEEYYYYYY Guyyssss, JT here…”Engage in corporate espionage to eventually end HuaweiForce Netflix to revive The Littlest HoboStar in a remake of Strange BrewDouble prosecute SNC-LavalinSomething something DrakeTry to make Urkel’s “did I do that” his new catchphrase and only respond to questions about the scandals with said new catchphraseChange the national anthem to Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” because, well, you’re sorryProsecute Doug Ford for allegedly selling hashPoint out that while you (allegedly) unsuccessfully pressured your attorney general into doing nothing, Doug Ford hired his personal friend as the top cop in Ontario and then fired a senior police officer who called him out on itJoin a K-pop groupReveal his long con as the villain of a Wes Anderson movieAdmit you kinda screwed up here but you thought you were doing the right thing for the country and can we all move on, now?Fuck it don’t admit your screw up and just keep doing what you’re doing ‘cause it’s totally working.Sign up for the VICE Canada Newsletter to get the best of VICE Canada delivered to your inbox.
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Make the Blue Jays start the season with Vlad Guerrero Jr. batting secondGet into some kink involving… I dunno, mannequins?Respond individually to every death threat in the Yellow Vest Facebook groupGive Cardi B Canadian citizenshipMake donairs the staple of a nationwide school food programGuest edit Narcity Canada for a day
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