If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.Breaking up with someone is never going to be easy. Whether they’ve been a complete douche to you or you’re simply on different life paths, there will always be a sense of grief over what you’ve experienced together and what could’ve been in your future. Break-ups can get even more complicated when your partner is struggling with mental health. Considering that one in four New Zealanders aged 15–24 experienced high or very high levels of psychological distress in 2022, there’s a good chance that your partner may be experiencing mental health issues. But does this mean that you should keep the relationship going, even when you feel like it’s over? And is there a way to break-up with your partner that won’t negatively impact them? Not exactly. To learn more about this tough situation, we spoke with relationship specialist, Eleanor Butterworth. Eleanor says, “We should not stay in relationships that we don’t want to be in, even if someone has poor mental health.” “Because while it isn’t good for you to stay with a partner out of a sense of fear or obligation, similarly it isn’t good for your partner to be with someone who’s only there for those reasons. In the long run this won’t help their mental health improve.”Also, a good reminder: “It is not your role to take responsibility for their mental health.”
Before we get into break-up strategies, Eleanor noted that loads of people facing mental health issues can manage themselves really well.
“Someone with mental health issues is just as able to be a respectful, loving partner as someone without these, so we should be careful not to blame unhealthy behaviour on mental health.”
Let’s not stigmatise mental health, okay?
In saying that, Eleanor notes that someone who is still learning how to manage their mental health may lead to the other partner feeling they have to be the carer rather than a partner.
“This can lead to an imbalance in the relationship where one party may feel like their hopes and dreams are secondary to their partner's needs. Anytime this kind of imbalance happens in a relationship it can affect how sustainable the relationship is.”
Signs your partner may be strugglingEleanor broke down the signs to look out for in your partner. They fall under three categories.
The first is a low mood which could present as less interest in socialising, isolating from family and friends, sleeping poorly and spending time worrying about the past or future. They may have low energy and motivation and not do things they once enjoyed.If your partner is struggling with their emotional wellbeing, they may react more intensely to situations or become fearful of rejection. They may even engage in self-harming behaviour.If dealing with anxiety, your partner may show avoidance of crowded places such as public transport or big crowds. Other mental health issues can be more obvious like paranoia, mania or psychosis, for example.How to break-up with someoneOf course, every relationship, person and situation is different. You can’t follow a play-by-play book on life, especially when it comes to emotions. But, Eleanor has broken down a few strategies that may help both parties.Timing
Firstly, choose the right time and place to have this tough conversation. A good place to start is by thinking about a place that feels safe. Eleanor recommends somewhere public, or you might feel comfortable having that conversation in your partner's home where they have a support system.“Whatever the place you decide," says Eleanor, “doing it when you're both sober is important.”Drugs and alcohol can make emotions feel more intense. So, while it’s tempting to knock a few back before meeting, it’s probably not the smartest (or safest) idea.Be truthful but kind
According to Eleanor, “Your job in this situation is to tell the truth in a way that is caring. And if your truth is you don't want to be in the relationship, you need to say that.”
It may also feel natural to let them down “gently” by offering a break or a time to reassess your relationship in the future. Eleanor recommends not doing that.
“Be careful not to promise things that might seem easier in the short term but will make it more painful for you both in the long run.”
Safety
If you’re worried about your partner’s safety, (for example, if they’ve threatened to self-harm or have previously self-harmed), consider contacting a friend or family member who can give them the support they need.
“Let them know what’s going to happen, your concerns and ask them to be there for your partner,” says Eleanor.
Of course, hearing these threats can be incredibly worrying but Eleanor notes that sometimes people may use threats of self-harm to control their partner’s choices.
“Particularly if they imply it will be your fault if they choose to harm themselves.”
“These are abusive tactics,” says Eleanor. “Whether the person means to be abusive or not, you are not responsible for another person’s decisions.”
If you are in this situation, Eleanor recommends receiving additional support from a family violence agency for yourself.
Look after yourself too
As said earlier, it’s hard to break-up with someone, and as much as you can try, there’s probably no way around hurting someone (including yourself) in the process.
Eleanor recommends activating your support networks, “Don't put so much thought into your partner that you forget about yourself.”
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that you are one person in your partner’s life. And while a partner can be a main support system, it’s important to ensure they’re not the only one.
“Part of any mental health journey is building a range of both formal and informal supports,” says Eleanor, “and while ideally someone has these on top of a relationship, they can start to build them once the relationship is over too.”
Your wellbeing is important and ultimately you shouldn’t stay in a relationship that you don’t want to be in. Simple as that. It’s not good for you or the other person in the relationship.
“It’s not your role to be their mental health professional.” Partner Content Is Paid For By An Advertiser And The Advertiser Provides Creative Direction And Feedback.
© 2023 VICE MEDIA LLC
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Before we get into break-up strategies, Eleanor noted that loads of people facing mental health issues can manage themselves really well.
“Someone with mental health issues is just as able to be a respectful, loving partner as someone without these, so we should be careful not to blame unhealthy behaviour on mental health.”
Let’s not stigmatise mental health, okay?
In saying that, Eleanor notes that someone who is still learning how to manage their mental health may lead to the other partner feeling they have to be the carer rather than a partner.
“This can lead to an imbalance in the relationship where one party may feel like their hopes and dreams are secondary to their partner's needs. Anytime this kind of imbalance happens in a relationship it can affect how sustainable the relationship is.”
Signs your partner may be struggling
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The first is a low mood which could present as less interest in socialising, isolating from family and friends, sleeping poorly and spending time worrying about the past or future. They may have low energy and motivation and not do things they once enjoyed.If your partner is struggling with their emotional wellbeing, they may react more intensely to situations or become fearful of rejection. They may even engage in self-harming behaviour.If dealing with anxiety, your partner may show avoidance of crowded places such as public transport or big crowds. Other mental health issues can be more obvious like paranoia, mania or psychosis, for example.How to break-up with someoneOf course, every relationship, person and situation is different. You can’t follow a play-by-play book on life, especially when it comes to emotions. But, Eleanor has broken down a few strategies that may help both parties.Timing
Firstly, choose the right time and place to have this tough conversation. A good place to start is by thinking about a place that feels safe. Eleanor recommends somewhere public, or you might feel comfortable having that conversation in your partner's home where they have a support system.“Whatever the place you decide," says Eleanor, “doing it when you're both sober is important.”
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According to Eleanor, “Your job in this situation is to tell the truth in a way that is caring. And if your truth is you don't want to be in the relationship, you need to say that.”
It may also feel natural to let them down “gently” by offering a break or a time to reassess your relationship in the future. Eleanor recommends not doing that.
“Be careful not to promise things that might seem easier in the short term but will make it more painful for you both in the long run.”
Safety
If you’re worried about your partner’s safety, (for example, if they’ve threatened to self-harm or have previously self-harmed), consider contacting a friend or family member who can give them the support they need.
“Let them know what’s going to happen, your concerns and ask them to be there for your partner,” says Eleanor.
Of course, hearing these threats can be incredibly worrying but Eleanor notes that sometimes people may use threats of self-harm to control their partner’s choices.
“Particularly if they imply it will be your fault if they choose to harm themselves.”
“These are abusive tactics,” says Eleanor. “Whether the person means to be abusive or not, you are not responsible for another person’s decisions.”
If you are in this situation, Eleanor recommends receiving additional support from a family violence agency for yourself.
Look after yourself too
As said earlier, it’s hard to break-up with someone, and as much as you can try, there’s probably no way around hurting someone (including yourself) in the process.
Eleanor recommends activating your support networks, “Don't put so much thought into your partner that you forget about yourself.”
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that you are one person in your partner’s life. And while a partner can be a main support system, it’s important to ensure they’re not the only one.
“Part of any mental health journey is building a range of both formal and informal supports,” says Eleanor, “and while ideally someone has these on top of a relationship, they can start to build them once the relationship is over too.”
Your wellbeing is important and ultimately you shouldn’t stay in a relationship that you don’t want to be in. Simple as that. It’s not good for you or the other person in the relationship.
“It’s not your role to be their mental health professional.” Partner Content Is Paid For By An Advertiser And The Advertiser Provides Creative Direction And Feedback.