The Best Penis Pumps, According to Real (Hard) Reviewers

If you liked 2001: A Space Odyssey, you’ll love penis pumps. The handy devices are where sex and sci-fi meet, united under the mutual mission of helping you stay harder, longer. Whether you experience erectile dysfunction, want your penis to take up as much real estate as Brooklyn’s new skyscraper, or just want to feel extra boosted for an evening of acrobatic lovemaking, these powerful pumps are the GOAT. 

New to the pump life? Don’t sweat it. Pumps can feel intimidating to the uninitiated, but so many studies have shown how genuinely helpful, trusty, and easy-to-use they can be when added to your smash pantry. These devices operate on the simple function of creating a vacuum in their chamber that elongates the shaft when pumped for around 5 to 15 minutes, which sounds like a clip from Interstellar, but is really just a sick scene between you and your peen. 

As a Lovehoney representative explains in this video, there are generally three different kinds of pumps: hand-powered, automatic, and the hydro pump, the latter of which uses James Cameron water to create the pressure vacuum. Hand-powered pumps tend to be very affordable, automatic pumps allow for you to get hard in hands-free fashion, and hydro pumps, while a bit pricier, are known to be some of the most powerful and quiet pumps out there. “But what if I pump a little too rigorously?” you may wonder, your willing (yet cautious) Vin Diesel arms at the ready. Don’t worry. Most penis pumps have a gauge for tracking pressure intensity, as well as a quick-release valve. 

We could go on about our love for penis pumps, but now it’s time to pass the mic to all the men and people who have specific recommendations for the best pumps out there.

Lube your tube, and let’s ride. 

Most penis pumps look like the lovechild of a sausage stuffer and those pneumatic tubes at the drive-through bank, and the Tracey Cox EDGE pump is no exception. This hand-powered pump is easy to use (just squeeze the bulb) and has a 4.3-star average rating on Lovehoney from over 300 reviewers, who praise everything from the price to how easy it is to use. As one stan writes, “I had purchased an expensive rechargeable pump, and it sort of did the job. [But] this one, perfect! The suction is brilliant and the results are done in 5-10 mins!!”

There's a big May Masturbation sale popping off at PinkCherry right now, and it includes savings of up to 80% off sex toys and devices such as this penis pump, which is about $10 off with the code MAY at check out. This hand-powered pump has a unique joystick/Captain Hook-esque handle for pumping that we can’t get enough of, and users agree; the pump has a 4.7-star average rating on the site from over 60 reviewers, including one who writes, “It increases [my] length by 1.5 inches [...]  It's cool to watch it grow.” Suck on that, science fair! 

Amazon has an entire page dedicated to the best penis pumps, including this bestselling peen rocket by the brand 8150, which must be the area code for Hard City. Known as the Power Up, this electric, silicone penis pump features three levels of suction intensity, and three buttons for adjusting suction and providing breezy quick-release. It has an impressive 4.8-star average rating on the site from over 2,000 reviewers, including one who writes, “It works really well, and the suction this pump produces increases girth and length to an unbelievable size.” 

This slick, vibrating penis pump is another Amazon bestseller and a high-tech treat thanks to its many bells and whistles. The electric device has six “Sucking Modes,” including three that are designed to train stamina and three that are intended to operate on inhale and deflate modes, so that you can also use the tube as a male masturbator.

There are high-tech penis pumps, and then there’s “The Excelsior” from Lynk. We have dedicated an entire VICE article to the impressive specs of this sparkling peen machine, but suffice to say that Excelsior includes a backlit LCD screen for displaying vital pumping metrics, including KPa vacuum pressure, a timer, battery life, pump speed settings, and more. Plus, it comes with two sleeves: one for pumping, and one for moonlighting the tube as a penis stroker. RIP Steve Jobs, you would have also loved this beast.

As one Lovehoney reviewer writes about this water-powered penis pump by the brand Bathmate, it’s “effective and gentle” and can really help those with ED to achieve a thicker, harder penis. The hydraulic pump includes a measurement gauge so that you can track your progress, and was designed to pack 35% more suction power than the previous Bathmate HYDRO7 model. As another stan writes, “Bathmate [is] known for producing girth gains, and I can vouch.”  

This hybrid penis pump is hand-powered, can be submerged in water, and also includes three speeds and four vibrational patterns for a little extra umph. The high-rated pump has many fans at Lovehoney, where one customer writes, “I couldn't believe how good it felt, after lubing up appropriately I simply rested my tip against the opening and hit the pump. The suction felt so good I had to release the pressure, phew!”

There you have it, folks [slams quick release valve]. We wish you a powerful, potent summer with these pumped-up peen machines, and some parting words of wisdom: Penises are not a monolith, and the parameters of your penis needs and questions should be discussed with a medical professional should they become any more involved than, say, “How many pumps ‘til I get to the center of the [redacted] pop?” 

Pump, pump and away!. 

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.