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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - I WENT TO COURT YESTERDAY

I had to go to court yesterday. As it turns out, court is really boring, nothing like all the red-faced yelling and shady defensiveness and bulging-veined anger I'd imagined. All I had to do was wait in an insanely long line leading up to a row of six windows, only one of which was in use--I am now convinced this is a government ploy to completely frustrate and annoy us, installing a bunch of windows in a public service building with no intent of ever putting an actual human behind them, enjoying a good laugh over our bitching about our tax dollars and whatnot--and listen to a woman rap her acrylic tips on a stainless steel counter in between telling people they were dismissed. That's all that happened. I walked up, handed her my little pink piece of paper saying I was bad, and she told me everything was fine, now go away. The reason why I had to be there in the first place was pretty damn exciting, and totally worth it. Here, lemme take you on a little excursion.

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A few months back I went to see Miss Pussycat's puppet show on display, like it was a gallery installation, and it made me so excitable I ran outside to scream on my phone to my friend, "I'm having a blast! I'm feeling murderous!" Just then a cop car rolled up, lights a-flashing. Shit, I had a cup of wine in my hand. Unsure if I had a warrant out for my arrest for missing a court date several years ago, I ditched the wine in a plant and ran inside, straight into the bathroom where some girl was peeing. She yelled at me to get out but I told her to calm down, I was just gonna hide from the cops, OK? I hid behind the curtain of a shower stall, which was used as storage for all kinds of boards and papier-mache sculptures.

When the girl walked out of the bathroom I heard the cops ask for her I.D., and I started snickering, texting my friend. Then the cops burst into the bathroom and sniffed around. It was like an episode of Tom and Jerry. I thought I was gonna get away with it, but one of 'em ripped back the shower curtain and I was caught. "Come with me, ma'am."

So I got a stupid open container ticket, big whoop. I sent a check in the mail to take care of it but after a couple months it was never cashed. I figured I'd better go to court so I don't end up like my friend who ditched her summons, then a couple months later was busted for hopping a turnstile and went to jail for two days. So if you want to save yourself $25 and have a day to spare, go ahead and enjoy some delicious nectar on the street. The consequence is no big deal.

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This was the line. It took me far too long to figure out I was supposed to get in it. In the meantime, it grew.

One of several windows just for show.

For quite a long time I pondered the contents of alllll these boxes filling the balcony. Does the NYC judicial system not know about computers? (PS: I know these photos are shitty but I was scared to use my flash.)

Headed toward that EXIT sign now. Bye.

TEEN LAQUEEFA