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Vice Blog

LITERARY - A UNICORN IS BORN

Because I have a blog with the word "unicorn" in it, people always send me unicorn stuff, which is real nice of them, but I was never actually a big unicorn fan. I just thought they were kinda funny and they reminded me of being a little kid. But now, consequently, after being forwarded that "Unicorn Planet" video five billion times, I'm over it. I am totally over unicorns. They are everywhere these days, aren't they? People on sitcoms are making jokes about them and they are adorning trendy tote-bags and ironic t-shirts all over the ding-dang place. It's too much.

But then! I got this book, A Unicorn is Born, and it's better than you'd think. I rolled my eyes at first but then I looked closer. It's a prettily illustrated novella (that comes complete with a sheet of shiny unicorn stickers) about a pregnant unicorn who gives birth and bonds with her unicorn baby, grazing around in sun-dappled meadows, chomping on dandelions and pussy willows, and teaching her babe the ways of the earth and the ancient secrets of the unicorn. It's all mystical and magical and stuff, and the best thing about it is that you learn all this super-detailed unicorn science. Like, for instance, Unicorns grow crystals in their manes when they are excited. And unicorns do not utter the word "kill" out loud because their utterances are actually spells. And—my favorite: Unicorns produce a sticky substance that tastes like cotton candy on their horns to attract mates, and then they lick each others' horns. This, I learn, is the origin of the word "horny."

The author, Trinie Dalton, is a real unicorn expert, not some trendoid hopping on the uni-bandwagon. She's collected unicorn paraphanalia since she was a kid, has written several zines about unicorns, and was in a folk trio called Unicornicopia. I trust her expertise on the matter.

Given the awesomeness and all around high quality of this book, let it be the apex and thus the nail in the coffin for unicorn humor and trendiness in '07. Let us say farewell, unicorns. Back to the enchanted forests with you. Oh wait, crap. I just remembered that they're making a live-action version of The Last Unicorn. I really want to see that.
TEENAGE UNICORN