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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - YOUR SECOND FACE

The punctuated words alarmingly howled from the face hole of the baddest breath will be kinda true, most of the time. Earnest genius has no time for toothpaste. The only problem with crazy smart people is that they have so much to say, they forget to brush.

Abraham Lincoln definitely must've had pasty death rabies panty-liner breath.

Actually the truth has always smelled.

Even grand old love smells.

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Fuck your beloved a million times, all afternoon, and nap and fuck, nap and fuck… and love kinda smells like puce gel, paste whip, gob on top of cheese, fur nougat, milky iridescent, trucker butt, and BROWN.

Why does love smell so literally BAD ASS?

Beautiful, wonderful people die and smell bad.

Sometimes when a puppy licks your nose, it kinda smells really weird. But you don't mind.

Diapers.

Sushi.

Goat cheese.

Sure, the oyster makes a pearl, but the oyster be stinky and looks like a fart personified…

Aha! The fart personified!

Dear friends, do not be alarmed. Brothers and sisters, do not feel ashamed! Personify your fart! Respect! Listen to what it says!

Once at work, my dear fashion colleague Licky Cummings farted and, by gum, her butt clearly said, "BUTT!"

When a baby says its name we all clap like a bunch of bee wings, but when butt says "butt" I think we don't encourage enough dialogue—it's just a poot in that wind. The oppressive cover-up begins!

It was very alarming to hear Licky's Butt say its own name. It made me regroup and totally question reality. If we are getting smarter and water is getting smarter and mom and dad and grandma are using their computers, why cant butt "get it" too?

Why are we listening to Tamagotchi or Janice Dickinson and not our butts? Extend your ear and pay attention, talk to it, learn it's inflection. Get bunz conscious.

I'm trying to fart right now and all I got was "chank" said in Lollipop Guild midget angry pitch. Who be " Chank?" Is that my butt's name? What's your butt's name? Does he know Chank? Second fart said "Are You?" and now I know we are finally communicating albeit ghosty style. Wait, are farts really ghosts? Fuck, now I'll never sleep if my bunz are haunted!

ADRIANE SCHRAMM