It seemed like a slam-dunk: Head over to the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Beverly Hills with my girlfriend Molly, who’d act as my photographer for the night, to wallow in the sordid spectacle that was the Los Angeles Cougar Convention. Not only would I get a...
It seemed like a slam-dunk: Head over to the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Beverly Hills with my girlfriend Molly, who'd act as my photographer for the night, to wallow in the sordid spectacle that was the Los Angeles Cougar Convention. Not only would I get a story out of it, but watching the cougars (women over 40 who exclusively date men a decade younger than them) and cubs (the much younger men) play the age-old game of seduction with one another would give us a chance to sit on the sidelines and mutter jokes to each other under our breaths. In other words, a romantic date.
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Unfortunately, about midway through the proceedings we realized the event was not nearly as entertaining as we'd hoped. Instead of the collagen-injected ex-wives of doctor/lawyers mixing with 20-something three-popped collar douchebags of Alpha-Beta-Gamma house, it was just depressing single people. And it's no fun taking potshots at easy targets like that."This whole thing's kind of sad, isn't it?" I asked Molly during our mid-event dinner at a local taco shack. We had to take a break during the event's down period – between the 9 PM start of the dance party and when Miss Cougar California was eventually crowned at 11 PM (yes, there was a pageant) – to give us a chance to decompress from the aching loneliness that was in the air.You see, the convention was not exactly a convention. Instead of dozens of sales booths you'd get with an actual convention, or some kind of parade-type celebratory atmosphere you'd get with a pageant, it was just a bunch of single folk, milling around, drinking, awkwardly talking to one another, trying to connect. Molly and I were lucky we found each other without having to abuse some sort of contemporary cultural cliché. To make fun of these people would make us true low-lifes.In any case, here's what went down:
The first group of cubs who walked through the door were a false indicator for the eventual type of guys who ended up showing up. "We came here all the way from Australia for the convention," claimed the lead jerk-off, a story that seemed fishy since they didn't have tickets. However, event organizer Rich Gosse assured them they could pay the $30 for entry later on in the night, as long as "it wasn't sold out by then." It was, decidedly, not sold out–while the room held 400, there were only about half that present–but the brahs never came back.
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One of the few sales tables set up in the hotel hallway, this one for LoveShack Parties, a sex toy company based in Long Beach. Their gift bags included a blindfold and four different kinds of lubricant, which seems excessive until you remember the age group these bags were intended for. Also of note: The company was forced to hide their more phallic vibrators later in the night after a couple of cougars complained they looked "too racy." Luckily, this took place after the LoveShack ladies gave us a quick tutorial on the vibrators' effectiveness by shoving them on our (thankfully clothed) genitals without our consent.
Before the actual event got underway, Lucia (dubbed "Queen of the Cougar Jungle" by local radio stations) held a Cougar School where she fielded questions ladies might have about the odd prospect of dating a younger man. However, since there weren't many cougars present – besides media, the only other students were a group of eight ladies who, to be frank, looked less like Courtney Cox and more like Denny's waitresses–Lucia asked her own questions. Among the topics she covered: Who picks up the check? (The men, since they still need to feel like they are "providers.") Who initiates sex? (Again the men, since they are men.) And what to do with people who disapprove of your relationship? (In summary: Fuck the haters. Especially if it's the cub's mom.)
While the event was struggling for actual participants, members of the media were here in spades. "The only thing I'm concerned about is, Does the news media love the word?" Gosse told me earlier. "And that answer is yes." You can't argue with that logic—honestly, the only reason I was covering it was because he put that word in the title. It did make for a strange scene though, with the various singles trying to mingle while reporters scrambled from every angle to get photos and quotes. Gosse's obvious goal was to get as much free promotion as possible, but if I were at a singles event I wouldn't want even one damn disposable camera to be there.
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I wondered if people who attended knew they were going to be chum for all the picture piranhas. But then Molly talked a little sense into my bleeding heart. "You can't really feel too bad for them," she said. "I mean, they signed up to take part in something called the Cougar Convention."
I didn't get the names of these two, but they were being shown off by the event's organizers to the media, trying to pass them off as representative of the look of those who attended. The message was easy to decode: "Men, if you show up you can meet relatively attractive women in their mid-50s like this one. Women, if you show up, youthful-looking metrosexuals like this await." There were, to be sure, glamorized guys and gals like this couple…
But most of the attendees were more like this. Either (a) awkward guys who spent most of their time circling the dance floor, waiting to build up enough courage to talk to the women; or (b) women in their 50s who, honestly, looked like normal women in their 50s. But their physical appearances weren't as depressing as the fact that they were here in the first place.
Before the dance party got underway, the cougars and cubs participated in a round of speed-dating. The thing with speed-dates is, generally speaking, they're not covered by reporters.
Before Lucia's keynote address, a singer/comedian named Unique Monique warmed up the crowd by performing her song-and-dance number "Cradle Robbers." This is her, facing the corner while practicing her moves one last time before going onstage. After her song, she stuck around to try to meet her own cub, something she's been presumably attempting to do for the past decade; a quick Google search shows that Monique has been performing "Cradle Robbers" at various events like this since 2000. Another depressing fact to throw onto the heap. She ended her performance by using the platform to push her stance against the de-clawing of cats. "And ladies, we're cougars," she prodded the crowd of presumptive cat women. "We need our claws."
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Two groups of cubs. The top photo includes one cub who gave a cheeky response to his pal after Lucia rhetorically asked if they saw any women present who were desperate, aggressive, and unattractive. "I see that first one," he said. The second group included a trio of guys in their mid-20s, trying to pick up on every woman in the room. "You've got to talk to them later," Molly pleaded with me after getting hit on. I never did get the chance, but these two groups were representative of the non-awkward cubs in attendance: guys who just went out that night trying to get laid. Not surprisingly, these were the kinds of guys who cougars ended up cozying up with as the night winded down. Neither side was apparently looking for a meaningful long-term match.
Other cubs were less on the sexual prowl and more just trying to meet someone they could connect with. "They're more even-handed and can deal with stuff better," Malik said about the lure of the cougar, seen here dancing with the eventual Miss Cougar runner-up. "They've heard all the B.S. and are just out there to have fun." However, as the questioning delved a bit deeper, Malik revealed he was actually 39 years old – not exactly standard cub age – and had just gotten out of an 11-year relationship. Despite his expertise about cougars and cubs, this was his first foray back into the dating scene in a long time.
This pair included a woman who was able to attract the cubs' attention whenever she started writhing on the dance floor when Jeff the DJ played quicker songs, like Lil' Jon's "Get Low" and Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back."
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A group photo that gives an idea of the diversity present, especially in age, which brings us to the big fallacy of the night: Even though this event was tailored to the cougar phenomenon of older women and younger men, there were quite a few ladies there in their early 30s, along with plenty of men who were graying and well into their 50s. In other words, all were welcome as long as they paid the entry fee. The Cougar Convention was just an ordinary singles event.
At the beginning of the night, each cub was given one coin at the door and instructed to hand it over to their favorite cougar. The title of Miss Cougar California was awarded to the cougar who collected the most. Tyana, seen here counting her coins, ended up winning the crown after receiving about 15 more than the first runner-up.
Gosse awards Tyana her Miss Cougar title. Besides a small tiara, Tyana's prize package included a gift certificate for laser removal, a copy of the Ashton Kutcher film Spread, and a "free berth" on the upcoming Cougar Cruise – an event similar to this, but on a cruise ship – which departs from San Diego this December. We will not be attending that, for obvious reasons.
Instead, we will be drinking.Photos by Molly Prather
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