The Book Report is a series that promises to deliver exactly what it promises: reports on books by the people who’ve read them. Catch evenings of live, in-person Book Reports that will remind you of the third grade in the best possible way with hosts Leigh Stein and Sasha Fletcher every month at The Gallery at Le Poisson Rouge on Bleecker Street in New York. The next one is December 10, and you should go.
Very premium literary masterwork Super Sad True Love Story begins in Italy, a beautiful place I have never seen, which is good way to start novel because it says, Reader, I have seen beautiful things and now I will tell you about them.I learned a lot about Italian romance in this story. For example, in Italy, a woman with name of Eunice can be object of sexual desire. Also, in Italy, eating rabbit is prelude to semiconsensual oral sex. Most important thing I learn is this: I never knew what super sad, true love was until I meet Mr. Gary Shteyngart himself.“I hear New York writer interviewed on NPR,” Mother told me, when I was home in Chicago. “He is Jewish and teaches at Columbia University?”“Mr. Gary Shteyngart?” I inquired, hopefully.“Very funny man. Have you met him?”“No,” I said, thinking how ridiculous it would be to become proximal with famous writer.Three days later, I appear at Moby Awards event for best book trailer, and find out that trailer is not cart designed for hauling potatoes, but short film in which Mr. James Franco acts like casual person. At event, I am wearing large hat to draw attention to my premium head and attract my premium husband.Then, out of corner of my eyeball, I see short, nearsighted man in dark suit. Mr. Shteyngart! I chant his name, loudly, inside of my head. The lips of people are moving, but I do not hear. I watch as he wins gold whale statue for Mr. James Franco’s performance in short film. I do not understand, but I applaud profusely, with my hands, as well as my soul.Encore! I yell loudly to myself.Before I can be courageous and say “Mazel tov” to famous writer Mr. Shteyngart, my good friend, who has very abundant breasts, has been drawn by gravitational force to his balding head. “You? Are writer?” I hear her say. “What have you written?”This love story is super sad because, unlike my friend, I have not thought to seduce Jewish man by playing the accordion of his neuroses.By now, I am drunk on amore and chardonnay. I follow group of very attractive native English speakers through Brooklyn streets to Melville House office. No one tells me I am not allowed at after party, so I proceed to attend after party.“This chardonnay,” I say to someone. “It is free and there is more of it?”Soon, my good friend is writing information on paper and putting paper inside her magnificent brassiere. Mr. Shteyngart is going to blurb her book, but I want him to blow his blurb all over my heart. He is laughing and drinking wine from bottle like champion fighter. Then I remember that I am not Korean. My name is not Eunice.No one will ever be in super sad, true love with me.But then I hear imaginary voice of Mr. Shteyngart in my ear, quoting his own literary masterwork: “Do not throw away your heart,” he says. “Keep your heart. Your heart is all that matters… Throw away your ancestors!… Throw away your shyness and the anger that lies just a few inches beneath… Accept the truth! And if there is more than one truth, then learn to do the difficult work—learn to choose. You are good enough, you are HUMAN ENOUGH, to choose!”Taking one deep breath, I choose to impress famous writer with my command of Russian language.“Mr. Shteyngart,” I say, “ya sabatchki lublu.”“What the fuck?” someone says.“She says she likes little dogs,” Mr. Shteyngart tells him, correctly.My heart floods with the warm blood that comes from victory. I am a speaker of his language. We belong together. In a shtetl. In Fiddler on the Roof. In Broadway revival.My favorite part of superlative novel by Mr. Shteyngart is when narrator and his beloved lock eyes and he sends telepathic message to say, “Soon you will be home and in my arms and the world will reconfigure itself around you and there will be enough compassion for you to feel scared by how much I care for you.”This is emotions I feel for my fantasy husband Mr. Gary Shteyngart.Every day I am working to increase my breast size to his preference.Using online currency method, I understand that Super Sad True Love Story costs 704 rubles. Even if it costs 704 of my bones, I will buy. Two thumbs up. Hallelujah. Thank you and good night and ciao and do svidaniya. *Leigh Stein is the author of the novel The Fallback Plan and a book of poems, Dispatch from the Future, both released from Melville House in 2012.More from The Book Report on VICE'Macbeth': In the Context of Ghosts by Sasha Fletcher
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