Five Ways in which Tony Abbott can Appeal to The Left

Dear Tony Abbott: it’s no surprise that The Left hasn’t really embraced you to its perpetually-furious bosom. To help, I offer these simple ways to let the healing begin.

by Lee Zachariah

November 14, 2013, 11:02pm

Dear Tony Abbott: it’s no surprise that The Left hasn’t really embraced you to its perpetually-furious bosom. So convinced were they that you were unelectable, they were completely blindsided when everybody else elected you to Prime Minister. Currently, The Left is going through the five stages of grief, all of which involve refusing to acknowledge you as PM. So now’s the time, Tony. Now you’re our leader, you’ve got to let the healing begin. To help, I offer these five simple ways in which you can win over The Left.

1. The Shipping News
Everyone seems to be mad at the way you’ve stopped announcing what’s going on with asylum seekers. Sorry, not asylum seekers. What’s the term you use? Desperados? Something like that. The line you’ve been peddling in response to the press is that you’re not in the business of giving the shipping news. You’d think that thoroughly-reasonable explanation would shut the media up, but they keep insisting that you should do just that. So here’s what I suggest: each day, have Scott Morrison come out and read a page of E. Annie Proulx’s tale of small town familial tumult, The Shipping News. The Left will love it, because it’s exactly the sort of book they always pretend to have read, and your cabinet will love it because it’ll mean Morrison’s finally reading something that’s not The Necronomicon.

2. The National Broadband Network

Look, nobody believes that your fibre-to-the-node plan is worth a damn. It’s not only a significantly lesser product, but it’s actually going to cost more money in the long-run, making it a lose-lose proposition any way you slice it. But I do have sympathy for you in this instance, because it’s clear that you have absolutely no idea how the thing works. In fact, the only person in your cabinet who does seem to understand it is Malcolm Turnbull. You know, Malcolm Turnbull, the guy who you booted out of the leadership and who disagrees with you on nearly every major social issue? But if you’re confident he’s not doing this to make you look like an idiot, then so am I. If we’re stuck with fibre-to-the-node, at least name it in such a way that will appeal to The Left’s real issue with your plan: faster-Game-Of-Thrones-torrents-to-the-node.

3. This So-Called “Chris Pyne”

We know from his time as the wonkish kid-with-his-hand-always-up Manager of Opposition Business that Christopher Pyne is an asset of sorts. He’s the Robin to your Batman, the Nagini to your Voldemort, the Checkers to your Nixon. But his preternatural squareness is making you look like a veritable Robin Thicke (don’t Google that reference, Tony, just trust me). On a recent Q&A, Pyne proved himself so out of touch, he couldn’t even bring himself to say Lou Reed’s name without air quotes and the qualifier “so-called”. The Left is never going to like you as long as you have a Lou Reed Denier in your cabinet, so may I suggest quietly swapping him out for Hollywood actor Chris Pine. You might know him from his role as young so-called Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek films. His career isn’t really taking off outside of that franchise, so you could probably convince him to become Minister For Education if you can convince him there’s a sequel in it. And Pyne’s old letterheads can all be changed with a few simple pen strokes.

4. Your Daughters

The implicit message during your campaign was “Vote for me because my daughters are hot”, up until the point you actually said it out loud during your Big Brother appearance and it became plicit. The thing is, you had the creepy men vote locked in already, so maybe it’s time to put the biological daughters out to pasture and re-cast some more progressive-friendly faces. I recommend you put out offers to Marieke Hardy Abbott, Annabel Crabb Abbott and Tim Minchin Abbott.

5. An Adult Government

When you sweep into power with a swing as significant as yours, the temptation is to believe that every one of your policies is a mandate, and that every single election strategy was a raging success. It’s what’s known as post hoc ergo propter hoc, or “Hey, remember when I said ‘the suppository of wisdom’ and then won the election? Those events must be connected somehow!”. As part of your strategy, you continually used the phrase “an adult government”, which was a most passive-aggressive way of diminishing your opponents. But Tony, come on: you know it sounded like bullying. Be honest. The Left is never going to get on board with you if you’re going to persist with this nonsense, so you’re going to have to soften the blow. Show them you have a childish side. That’s when you commission ABC3 to make a program you like, in much the same way that Howard pressured ABC1 to make Q&A. ABC3’s Liberal Babies will continue the grand tradition set by Muppet Babies, Sesame Street Babies, Baby Looney Tunes and Glee. Little Tony will go on adventures with adorable market-tested sidekicks Pyney, Julez, Joey Boy, Malc-Malc and Speaker of the House The Hon. Bronwyn Bishop.