"Motorola Queen"

Photos By: Janicza Bravo; Featuring Hannah Heller as Carmenita Rosenberg Miranda

Below are the lyrics to the long-lost classic “Motorola Queen” by the completely unknown white 80s hip-hop artist, Rat Tail, whose current whereabouts are unknown. It was transcribed from a cassette tape discovered last November, wrapped in a ball of human hair in a garbage dump in Guadalajara, Mexico.

I met her out in Venice she was wearing a bikini
Ass like Granny Smith and titties far from teeny
She smiled in the sand and gave my pretty self a wave
I knew right away that I’d always be her slave
I Kunta Kinte’d right over to her blanket
Her butt glowing in the sun, “Oooh ooh I want to spank it”
I screamed that shit at the top of my voice
Bitch was so fine she was the top of my choice
Baby girl, how ’bout a ride in my purple Rolls-Royce
I’ll take you for a little spin and make your little panties moist
She held her hands up and said, “Hey wait a minute,
This pussy needs commitment if you want to get up in it”
This made me love her more ’cause she had self-esteem
It was clear like Mr. Clean this was the girl of my dreams
Dick was so hard it was bustin’ out my jeans
Pretty girl, pretty please, be my Motorola queen

Ringa ding dinga ling ringa dinga ling ling
All hail all hail my new Motorola queen
She be lookin’ real fly and actin’ real mean
Ringa ding ding ding 
She’s my Motorola queen

Driving through Hollywood was when I realized
My eyes were so distracted by my girl’s lips and thighs
My brain couldn’t focus, and I felt so ashamed
Through all of my games I forgot to ask her name
“What’s your name, little miss?”
The question felt random
She said, “My name’s Carmenita Rosenberg Miranda”
Ala kazama wama lama ding-dong
Her name made my dick grow the size of King Kong
Leaned over to her ear, and I whispered in a hiss:
“Give my phone a hug, give my phone a kiss
Give my phone a lick, suck my phone’s dick”
You’re my queen Motorola, fuck my phone right quick
And when my phone come, you know it come real thick
You’re not my Motorola woman or my Motorola chick
Motorola princess or my Motorola trick
You’re my Motorola queen, now suck this dick

Carmenita Rosenberg Miranda
Carmenita Rosenberg Miranda
Carmenita Rosenberg Miranda
Carmenita Rosenberg Miranda

Ringa ding dinga ling ringa dinga ling ling
All hail all hail my new Motorola queen
She be lookin’ real fly and actin’ real mean
Ringa ding ding ding, she’s my Motorola queen

Previously - "Introducing Rat Tail"

Read all 13 installments of Combover, Brett Gelman’s novel about Hollywood, baldness, and the beauty of the Jewish tradition here.