GIFs by Daniel Stuckey
A Malaysia Airlines plane flying Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur, and through Ukrainian airspace, was shot down. The plane was carrying 298 people when it crashed. No survivors have been found as of now.
Jason Biggs, star of most of the movies you hate (and Orange Is the New Black) thought that it was a good time to crack a joke about the tragedy. Of course, people got upset, and he had to apologize publically. This marks the 700th time Biggs has said something offensive on Twitter this month. People wiser than I say that comedy equals tragedy plus time, but no one has ever acccused Jason Biggs of being great at math.
Controversy-ridden New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, not one to give up on the challenge of an all-you-can-eat buffet nor a seemingly impossible quest to achieve the Republican presidential nomination, will be making the rounds (emphasis on round) in Iowa this week, presumably in an attempt to generate support from ordinary, non-news watching folk who are blissfully unaware of the fact that Christie's currently embroiled in three criminal investigations.
His chances of becoming the next president, however, are as slim as the chances of him becoming slim. You get it? 'Cause he's fat. It's OK for me to make fun of his weight, because he's an awful person.
Welp, it looks like those kooky kids in Israel and Palestine are goin' H.A.M. on each other again. After a brief cease fire, both parties picked up where they left off, and Israel has sent ground troops into the Gaza Strip.
The Palestinian death toll rose above 260 this week, with no signs of the conflict improving.
More than 20 people have been killed since Israel began its ground offensive. The Palestinians estimate that around 2,000 people have been injured.
Marvel Comics recently announced that Thor will be recast as female in a new series, launching in October. According to series writer Jason Aaron, "This is not She-Thor. This is not Lady Thor. This is not Thorita. This is THOR. This is the THOR of the Marvel Universe. But it's unlike any Thor we've ever seen before." He then went on to clarify, "It's Thor. With tits. Like, super big tits. And a small-ass waist. And long, flowing blonde hair. Basically, it's a Norse God you wanna put your dick inside."
An iPhone video of Charlie Sheen loaded at a Taco Bell drive-thru is currently going viral, hitting over 1,000,000 YouTube views in its first day of upload. In the 50-second, fan-shot clip, Sheen apologizes for being "so fucking hammered" before showing off his Charlie Brown and Cincinnati Reds tattoos. Yo quiero #TIGERSBLOOD, baby!
Shannon Guess Richardson, the former actress who sent President Obama ricin-laced letters, then attempted to blame her estranged husband, was sentenced to 18 years in prison. She was, of course, pregnant at the time. Hormones, am I right, fellas? At her sentencing, she told the court that she "never intended for anybody to be hurt." Other than her husband and the leader of the free world, but who's counting?
Holler If You Hear Me, the Broadway musical "inspired by the music of Tupac Shakur," is set to close for good on Sunday. This does not bode well for future hip-hop efforts on the Great White Way (unless you count the rapping kitty from the Cats revival). The producers cited poor attendance for their decision to shut the show down, which begs the question: If you holler and no one is around to hear you, does it make a sound?
OMG MATTHEW LESKO. HE'S HERE TO SAVE YOU MONEY.