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Total ledge, mate, total ledge

Since hands were invented, stupid students have been stealing useless objects found in the street to adorn their shitty dorm rooms.

Since hands were invented, stupid students have been stealing useless objects found in the street to adorn their shitty dorm rooms. Traffic signs and cones are the most common items on display, but you will also see all sorts of other pointless shit like police tape or construction hats. All so they can sit around drinking Yazoo, eating burger sauce, and saying things like, "Ha ha, remember the time Xander stole that traffic cone?” "Ha ha, yeah, what ledge."

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That’s why there’s something poetically reassuring about the Berliners who have been repeatedly swiping a 30cm giraffe penis made entirely of lego. Then, instead of bragging about swiping a sign that says "No Exit", they can point at the stolen boner on their wall and say, "Hey, that’s me. That’s what I’m about." Fuck it, from now on, if you really want to steal crap, you can only steal dongs.

Statues are an obvious target. The only problem is that you have to really commit to eviscerating the member and go at it with some heavy tools, and if you get caught a marble dick in one hand and a chisel in the other you’re going to get done with criminal damage and potentially get locked up for a decade. A decade, ironically, full of ironic cock (since you will get raped every night).

Why not start in London’s Hyde Park with the statue of Achilles? It was the first naked male statue to be erected in London and his big brazen genitalia caused such an uproar with those Victorian pussies that it was covered with a bronze fig leaf. Fear not though, if you manage to chisel off the leaf, the legendary prick is still there waiting to be mounted on a Playstation 2 in some shitty dorms.

If you’re a real "ledge" though, like a proper "ledge" like Van Wilder, then go to Changchun City, China. In a place called Longwan Shaman Amusement Park, there is a 30-foot cock reputed to be the largest in the world. If you want this one though, you’re going to have to get pretty 007 on this shit because it’s made of 6500 feet of straw wrapped around a steel column, and it stands triumphantly atop a 1250-foot-high hill. But then think of the stories you’ll regale your history of art classmates with as you sit around this priapic monstrosity.