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Vice Blog

The Vice guide to The Apprentice, series 5

Expect the word "business" to lose all meaning as we open our TV screens to another power-walking phalanx of regional sales management sociopaths in the fifth series of The Apprentice. They will talk with coldly moronic assurance about how little they care for friendship or sex or human life in comparison to the banal thrill of turning a profit. In the coming weeks we'll see most of them exposed as dithering human waste under the minor duress of having to sell some shite to the genpop, and we'll scream, "HOW THE FUCK ARE THESE COCKENDS ALREADY EARNING SO MUCH?".

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We've gone through each of the contestant's blurb on the BBC website, now allow us to familiarise you with these future captains of idiocy with our very guide.

Anita, 35, Birmingham

"Cricket fanatic" Anita says she wants to write a "chick-lit" novel, launch a business providing emotional, psychological and spiritual therapy, and has a Bridget Jones character. Who does she think she's fooling? She's definitely trying too hard to pretend she is really girly. There isn't a single woman in the world who can endure cricket for more than two minutes without diving head-first off a tower block. In week three she'll be unmasked as a tranny and pull out her penis and urinate all over her fellow contestants before running shrieking from the boardroom.
Odds to win: 27/1

Ben, 22, Belfast

This Tommy Carcetti-lookalike says that "money is better than sex" and cites Hugh Hefner as his most admired business figure. I'd take a punt on Hef preferring sex to money, myself. All the references to sex seem to suggest Ben's a terrifying sex-case, who will get expelled for trying to rape the girls with those tubes of pound coins that you see at the bureau de change.
Odds to win: 50/1

Debra, 24, Buckinghamshire

Office "mouth of the year" Debra has a love of business (no way!) and horses, and one look at her mooney, inbred face would suggest she has been able to practice her "outspoken negotiating skills" on the family slaves. Wears a pair of those revolting flaired women's business trousers in the photo too. Fucking gross in every way.
Odds to win: 30/1

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Howard, 24, Derby

BSc (hons) in maths, manager of 10 pubs in and around Derby, an award-winning dancer and armour-piercing blue eyes – this guy's going all the way to the top. He looks the sharpest dressed of all the male candidates too. I'd definitely like to stick a couple of fingers up his bum while forcing Ben to watch (if I were actually gay).
Odds to win: 2/1

James, 32, Surrey

Sports fanatic who loves The A-Team, and once worked as a nightclub doorman, James will break under the pressure of the boardroom and his massive steroid habit in week 5, and enter Chris Benoit-style murderous freakout. After shooting Nick and Margaret dozens of times each, he will turn the staple gun on himself.
Odds to win: 72/1

Kate, 27, Hampshire

Indie music fan Kate seems to be pitching at being the new Emily from Big Brother. She will shake off an early controversy about a racial slur she casually tosses during a disagreement with Anita, before coming a battling third and enjoying a short marriage with Rick Witter.
Odds to win: 9/1

Rocky, 21, North Yorkshire

Sandwich-making lunkhead Rocky is a man's man. He reads GQ, admires Daniel Craig and aspires to owning a Frank Muller watch. His favourite sandwich filling is prawn and Philadephia. I would rather watch my mum take a shit while I was sat in the bath than spend 30 seconds in his company. Sir Alan will probably adopt him.
Odds to win: 7/1

Majid, 28, Coventry

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Economics wizz-kid Majid says, "I think that business is the backbone to this world. Without companies buying and selling there wouldn't be any economy." With crazy left-field ideas like that, Sir Alan might see him as something of a loose cannon. He'll be out of there in no time.
Odds to win: 24/1

Philip, 29, County Durham

Wonk-faced Philip kind of looks like he's just had a minor stroke, and with utter bullshit like, "Business is the new rock 'n' roll and I'm Elvis Presley" coming out of his slanty gob, he's not giving us any reason to believe he hasn't. Act F.A.S.T.
Odds to win: 1000000000/1

Paula, 29, Walsall

Definitely the pick of a poor bunch looks-wise, but looking at her interests of interior design, fashion, and avoiding conflict, she's definitely for the chop early. Expect her to jump on the "creative role" in one of the early tasks, and spearhead the production of a shit advert for washing powder using piss-weak footage of break dancers and scratching-heavy hip hop, with a voiceover from Anne Widdecombe.
Odds to win: 22/1

Yasmina, 27, London

Lank-haired Yasmina is a restaurant owner who first experienced the world of business in her father's restaurant. Let me guess: she worked as a deep fat fryer operator in her dad's KFC and devised a new type of mayonnaise using pus from the cysts in old Popcorn Chicken that the restaurant was routinely throwing away, which led to an immediate 7 percent reduction in overheads and a recession-busting £124,000 monthly profit increase. Definitely one to watch.
Odds to win: 6/1

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Lorraine, 36, Kent

Lorraine may have the burden of two sprogs and very little education, but her necromancy skills are second to none: she apparently has the ability to "drive a dead horse to the winning line". Her mastery over the netherworld will benefit her in week 8, when she will rouse Andrew McKelvey from eternal slumber to help her team with a tricky task involving the design of a website.
Odds to win: 21/1

Kimberly, 33, London

New York-born Kimberly has an "impressive musical history" and has danced at such hallowed and revered settings such as Carnegie Hall and onstage at Disney World. She has also played flute in Disneyland's Electric Light Parade. Kim does, however, neglect to mention the bit about her making the role of Goofy her own when prancing about in costume for the kiddies queuing up next to the hotdog stand. She insists she has no "poker face", but does have a face that looks like it was scrawled on by a cow with a felt tip.

Odds to win: 88/1
Noorhul, 33, Rochdale

Business jargon cliche fan Noorhul believes that "business is a cut-throat, dog-eat-dog game that you must play to win". He also asserts that "you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs, but there's more than one way to skin a cat". Hell yeah, Noorhul! You should write all these down! They're dynamite!
Odds to win: 15/2

Mona, 28, Kent

Mona is a former Tanzanian beauty queen, and has big brown captivating eyes. Being a huge grocery fan, her hero is the man who founded Tesco, claiming "I'd love to be the person that came up with the idea of putting all them different foods in one shop". Not the sharpest tool in the shed, but certainly one of the most well lubricated.
Odds to win: 30/1