Fast-food chain burgers are all, without exception, vile turd patties designed for parents with munchausen syndrome. Why anyone would eat these surgical offcuts when sober, when only an unmotivated corpse couldn’t mash some meat into cookable lumps, I don’t understand.
My recipe may have zero nutritional value but I know I’d rather die straining on the toilet clutching a yummy homemade burger, than a Happy Meal.
When made from scratch and when made ridiculously, burgers easily squat resplendent in my rogue’s gallery of stupid food. So, forget soft-core patties, just get straight into burger stuffing.
ALOHA STUFFED BURGERS
I bet you thought I was gonna fill it with Skittles and foot cream. Well fuck you smart guy. I’m using fruit and everything. It’s from a can, but it’s still fruit.
These are named ‘Aloha’ simply because it’s all the best bits of an Hawaiian pizza snug in a womb of seasoned beef. The final result has something of the yeast infection about it, but however gross they look, these things taste like fist-sized meat angels.
500g x mince beef
1 x clove of garlic
1 x tsp salt
1 x tsp pepper
1 x pack of them orange Doritos
1 x egg
1 x can of pineapple slices
Buttload of cheddar cheese
Half a chopped chili
Step 7. Slap some more meat on top so you have a mince sandwich. A bit like a nice version of this abortion.
Step 9. You want to keep your beef wet as fuck, so don't grill them. Grilling them is what arseholes do. Get that pan full of grease nice and hot, then fry either side until the cheese starts leaking out.
Previously: Girl Eats Food - Chocolate Pizza
Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.