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Girl Eats Food - Stuffed Burgers

Full of Doritos and full of love.

Fast-food chain burgers are all, without exception, vile turd patties designed for parents with munchausen syndrome. Why anyone would eat these surgical offcuts when sober, when only an unmotivated corpse couldn’t mash some meat into cookable lumps, I don’t understand.

My recipe may have zero nutritional value but I know I’d rather die straining on the toilet clutching a yummy homemade burger, than a Happy Meal.


When made from scratch and when made ridiculously, burgers easily squat resplendent in my rogue’s gallery of stupid food. So, forget soft-core patties, just get straight into burger stuffing.


I bet you thought I was gonna fill it with Skittles and foot cream. Well fuck you smart guy. I’m using fruit and everything. It’s from a can, but it’s still fruit.

These are named ‘Aloha’ simply because it’s all the best bits of an Hawaiian pizza snug in a womb of seasoned beef. The final result has something of the yeast infection about it, but however gross they look, these things taste like fist-sized meat angels.


500g x mince beef
1 x clove of garlic
1 x tsp salt
1 x tsp pepper
1 x pack of them orange Doritos
1 x egg
1 x can of pineapple slices
Buttload of cheddar cheese
Half a chopped chili

Step 1.

Pummel your beef into submission with the garlic, salt and pepper.

Step 2. Some people use oatmeal to help bind their burgers. I use cheesy, slightly out-of-date Doritos. Different strokes, for different folks.

Step 3. Sit on your packet of Doritos. Once they're all smashed up, unload them into the meat with an egg and continue to mash the whole godforsaken thing together.

Step 4. Drain and pat your pineapple dry ready for stuffing.

Step 5. Grate your butt-load of cheese for the filling. It's a judgment call, but if choose not to dump a load of chili into it as well, then you're probably a Tory.


Step 6. Squash the first layer of meat into a cushion for your pineapple. Then stuff your pineapple hole with as much cheese as you can ram in.

Step 7. Slap some more meat on top so you have a mince sandwich. A bit like a nice version of this abortion.

Step 8. Squash the beef around the pineapple to seal it. It's easy to mould, a little like Playdoh, but made of cow flesh. After than, stick them in the fridge for a little while.

Step 9. You want to keep your beef wet as fuck, so don't grill them. Grilling them is what arseholes do. Get that pan full of grease nice and hot, then fry either side until the cheese starts leaking out.

Stick them in a bap and BOOM: You've tasty burgers crafted from your own fair hands and free from the tears and stray hairs of minimum wage workers.


WAIT! Bonus step. Feed it to a cat for internet points.



Previously: Girl Eats Food - Chocolate Pizza

Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.