Rupert Murdoch's wet dream bedblast telecast

Rupert Murdoch: evil, or just misunderstood and inexplicably sexy? There's the whole 'control-freak neo-con media-distorting mogul' thing, yeah. But what about this list of his top five wet dreams? Not so sure anymore are you? Huh?
1.

"I'm alone in my New York offices. I sign a contract setting up a shell company to siphon profit from Newscorp's regional Midwestern holdings into a Cayman Islands account, instantly saving me $12million a year in tax liabilities. Suddenly, I look down, and I'm stiff as a corpse. My good lady wife comes in, we retire to my private chambers and rut, missionary-style, for a number of minutes. She then massages my prostate until I fall asleep."

2.

"I'm lunching with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, ahead of an EU summit in Madrid. We agree that if she presses for a loosening of anti-trust regulation within Europe, I will give her my newspapers' tacit blessing in upcoming Presidential elections. At our handshake she gives a signal, and her aides leave. She invites me up to her room. As a passing flamenco band plays through a nearby window, I offer her my hand. We dance, toe-to-toe, cheek-to-cheek. I place a desultory palm on her buttock, and then we go at it, missionary-style, on a luxury spine-alignment mattress. She then helps me into a warm bath."

3.

"Fox News' neo-conservative 'sex kitten' commentator Ann Coulter is briefing me on her spring schedule. As she concludes, an aide telephones to say there's been a terrorist bombing in Boston. I turn on Bloomberg News, and we both watch as Fox's share price rockets. In the heat of the moment, she embraces me. We make mad passionate love, missionary-style, on a comfortable posturepedic mattress. She shouts anti-Obama slogans into my ear as she climaxes. Afterwards, she makes me a hot cup of Horlicks."

4.

"It is the year 2035. The United Nations has been replaced with a Unified World Government. In a specially-sealed chamber, my cryobaric life support system clicks and whirs above its annual congress. As I watch one nation after another vote to repeal the Kyoto Protocol, I look down and I'm as stiff as a board. My nurse adjusts my feeding tube, and the movement triggers something in my guts. Our eyes meet, and before either of us realise we're going at it, missionary-style. After our passion is spent, she ups my dosage of Solaradol, and I drift into contented sleep."

5.

"I get into a warm bath, a cup of Horlicks already placed on the side. I take two Solaradol to alleviate my lower-back pain, and watch Bloomberg with the sound down while an aide reads favourable profit results from my entire organisation, recalculating my collective holdings before declaring in a tone of unbridled joy, "Mr Murdoch, you've won! You've won capitalism. You've clocked it! Finally." I drift into a long, contented sleep. "

GAVIN HAYNES