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Jamie Taete's Internet Landfill

ASHTON KUTCHER PREPARING FOR END OF DAYS
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If you're anything like me, whenever someone mentions the upcoming 2012 apocalypse, your first thought is generally "But what will happen to 30 year old teenager Ashton Kutcher and 60 year old twenty-something Demi Moore?!". Well worry no longer. Ashton has that shit covered. From Men's Fitness:

"It won't take very much, I'm telling you. It will not take much for people to hit the panic button. The amount of convenience that people rely on based on electricity alone. You start taking out electricity and satellites, and people are going to lose their noodle. People don't have maps anymore. People use their iPhones or GPS systems, so if there's no electricity, nobody has maps.

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"And people are going to go, 'That land's not yours, prove that it's yours,' and the only thing you have to prove it's yours is on an electric file. Then it's like, 'What's the value of currency, and whose food is whose?' People's alarm systems at their homes will no longer work. Neither will our heating, our garbage disposals, hot-water heaters that run on gas but depend on electricity – what happens when all our modern conveniences fail? I'm going to be ready to take myself and my family to a safe place where they don't have to worry."

So there it is. Ashton Kutcher believes that the world will end in 2012. So much so that every day he "runs at Runyon Canyon near his Los Angeles home, as well as [doing] an hour of hot Bikram yoga. He is also learning Krav Maga, which is a combat technique used by the Israeli army and by special elite forces around the world." Good to see he's using the last year of his life the best way he can, then:

Also nice: seeing Natalie Portman make the most of the post Black Swan "choose any movie you like" opportunities.

USHER'S SOURCE OF INSPIRATION REVEALED
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Today is your lucky day. You will never have to ask yourself "how does Usher do that?!" ever again:

I doubt Usher had too much to do with this though. The song was probably a collaboration between supercomputers, anonymous drone scientists, Will.I.Am, focus groups and one of those teams of 100 songwriters that work under one name (the kind that were invented to make it look like Avril Lavigne is capable of thinking).

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NEW COIN MINTED. LOOKS FISHY.
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On the whole, I have to say they did a pretty good job. They've captured the beastliness of all three subjects fairly nicely (Liz's testicle-ear and Kate's cheek-nose are especially wonderful), but there's one thing that just doesn't look quite right about Will. Can't quite place my finger on it, there's definitely something different though:

P.S, If this is how flattering a royal portrait looks in 2010 where we have photo and video evidence of what people actually look like, imagine what Henry VIII must have looked like IRL.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE