A programme about a load of fairly polite Brits of varying ages and ethnicities cooking three different types of cakes and pastries a week for an hour under the watchful eyes of a geriatric cookbook author and a man who looks like he collects debts off of murderers.
If you'd have asked me ten years ago if I thought the above would be a popular franchise, I'd have probably said, "Yeah, sounds about right."
Great British Bake Off is the Ed Sheeran of TV shows – a slightly irritating, inexplicably popular monolith that has entranced the people of the UK in such a way that the mere mention of any news related to it sends people into a catatonic frenzy. This was the case when it was announced that the show was to move from the BBC (Ooh, so lovely and delightful, aww! Lovely Beeb!) to Channel 4 (Boo! Meanies! Rotters! Give us our Bake Off back!). And then again when Mel and Sue said they'd be leaving, and then AGAIN, today, when Mary Berry announced she too would be fucking off.
A £25 million purchase of the iced behemoth prompted cries of outrage from a range of people, including but not limited to: you mum, your girlfriend, your dad when he's tired, some girls you work with, one or two guys and your nan if she's still plodding on. But is all as it seems in the world of the Bake Off? Are there people involved in this who should held in custard-y for their crimes? Sou-flayed until dead?
According to a few conspiracists murmuring on the internet: something's dodgy (and I don't mean the texture of that crumble!). Here are the best conspiracy theories going around about Bake Off's move.
CHANNEL 4 HAVE TEAMED UP WITH THE OTHER CHANNELS TO GET RID OF THE COMPETITOR
It's a little surprising that when GBBO is on all other channels don't just show an hour's worth of rolling adverts, such is the lack of attention being paid to them. Last year's final was the most viewed TV show that year, with 13 million people flooding to its gingerbread gates, begging to find out which of the cake makers made the best cakes over the course of however many fucking weeks it's on for. The execs at the other channels must have been scowling at this routine ribbing. Could it be that the big dogs at Channel 4, ITV, Channel 5, maybe Dave, National Geographic, Watch TV, TLC, Sky Movies HD and others had a whip round, all put a tenner in and bought Bake Off just so it wouldn't be on telly any more? They'll do one series of it, make everyone hate it forever – like when your teacher takes an interest in your Pokémon cards and ruins the whole thing – and then the very concept of GBBO will have died in the hearts of millions. But maybe there'll be a splinter group? Which brings us neatly (perhaps too neatly) to…
A 'TOP GEAR' (OR 'THE GRAND TOUR') STYLE SITUATION WILL ARISE
Mel and Sue and Mary Berry might look like cute little sweethearts who waffle on about waffles, but deep down you have to imagine they're just as power-hungry as the rest of us. So they wait. They wait until the acquisition of the show by Channel 4, and then Mel, Sue and Mary turn into Jeremy, Richard and James. Once again they take their place on the throne.
Meanwhile, Hollywood stays behind to reap the financial rewards from C4 and their doomed programme, the only one left to keep the OG viewers sticking around for legacy purposes, making incredulous payment demands and sucking the channel dry until they're forced to reboot Time Team. It's the perfect rouse. But there's a bigger player at stake here.
DAMN MURDOCH, BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE MEDIA MONOPOLY!
While we know Rupert Murdoch owns basically all media the world over, we never thought he'd touch our beloved Bake Off. In the process of this move, definitely and 100 percent carried out personally by him, Rupey M has castrated the show of its biggest stars and delivered a dud to a terrestrial rival, all while pocketing the majority of £25 million. The man is an evil genius.
But I'm afraid there's more to this than that, people. This one goes straight to the top.
ICKE WAS RIGHT
Yep, looks like your man David Icke was right all along. Mary Berry is a lizard person, along with the Queen, Barack Obama, Kaiser Wilhelm and assorted others. The move is just another way to enslave our minds with depression and disappointment so that we may never rise up and reclaim the streets as our own. Well, it's not going to work, BSkyB, Love Productions, Paul Hollywood, lizard Mary and Murdoch! We will find freedom, sirs, in this life or the next!
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