A Guy in Swindon Used His Dick to Hide Seven Grams of Cocaine from the Police

Hey, good buddy, what you got there? What you got there in your foreskin, my boy?

Well! Thank you the Swindon Advertiser for that! I have crossed my legs over one another and I am never uncrossing them again, because all I can now feel up there is the phantom papercut-like feeling of a flattened baggy being squeezed indelicately up my foreskin! I am never going to un-feel this feeling! The corners! The corners are invisibly pranging my tenderness!

HOW CAN YOU HAVE. SEVEN POINT TWO GRAMS. OF COCAINE. UP YOUR DICK.

UP IT.

UP YOUR DICK.

I have spent a shocked hour – maybe an hour-and-a-half – on the logistics of stuffing seven grams of coke up your dick, and I have come to a few conclusions here re: stuffing seven grams of coke up your dick, and—

i. I mean, I suppose point one is seven grams is a lot of cocaine to shove up your dick! I consulted with a nameless VICE employee who knows a lot more about cocaine than me (and, by extension, storage thereof) and asked him how much seven grams was, in terms of volume, and he (or she; girls love gak, too – it could be a girl) he came over with a little bobble of tissue to illustrate "one gram of coke, by volume" and then he said "this, only times seven" – i.e. bigger than a marble, smaller than a gobstopper – and we both just imagined that amount of cocaine and looked off into middle distance and imagined shoving it up our respective bellends—

ii. Point ii. the first question you are probably asking is "did all seven grams of cocaine necessarily have to be up the dick? The details are sketchy" – but, from the Salisbury Journal: "Prosecutor Keith Ballinger described how the wrap had 'emerged' from [his] private parts," suggesting it was a singular package of cocaine concealed about his person rather than a number of grams dotted about the place, for example up the arse, in an armpit, &c. So, essentially, when questioned by the police about what he was up to at 8.30AM in a Homebase car park, this dude answered by silently emitting a singular wrap of cocaine from the tip of his dick. As answers to questions go, that is imperious, and—

iii. Only way I can imagine storing that much cocaine at once is all folded up in a Lottery ticket, and basically: Did my boy shove a Lotto ticket full of gak up his slit?

Listen, we've all taken things places we shouldn't have done – a hip flask to work, fireworks to school, ket to a wedding – but, clearly, us mortals are thinking on too low a level to truly ever smuggle contraband on a major scale. A Swindon man turned his foreskin into a kangaroo pocket just to keep seven grams of cocaine out of the hooved hands of the police, and for that he must be applauded. Instead, "The Man" has decided this week that he must spend 13 weeks in prison. There's no justice.

@joelgolby

Various old cocaine headlines from VICE, slightly altered to make it sound like they are about shoving cocaine up your dick:

How Your Low-Key Cocaine Habit Actually Affects You [r Dick]

London, This Is What's Actually in Your Cocaine [(And Therefore Your Dick)]

How Unethical Is [Shoving a Load of Cocaine Up Your Dick]