Photo by Jamie-James Medina
What the fuck are longhairs, you ask? Longhairs are a bunch of self-obsessed idiots who passionately grow their hair long and talk about it online. They have the same fervor and intensity as pot-growers or activists, only instead of doing any good for the world, these closeted homos (lawyer's note: "men who may resemble closeted homos") are only interested in themselves. And like the stupid gay (meaning "lame") hair that they worship so much, the number of longhairs is growing every day. Today more than five percent of the world's adult male population have hair long enough to make an elaborate bun or at least little pigtails. That's half of America's black population, or a third of its Spanish population. Are longhairs about to become a political lobby? You could go bald worrying about it. Victor Sheldon runs the world's biggest support group for longhair obsessives—The Men's Longhair Hyperboard. He's an expert and a guru and a longhair all at the same time. While taking time out from combing his impressive 43-inch mane, Victor explained, "I decided that it was time for us longhairs to have a forum of our own—a place where we could encourage each other." Hearing Victor talk about his hair, you'd think he was discussing a solution to the problems in the West Bank. "Giving up is the biggest single mistake a guy can make," explains this FUCKING buffoon. "This usually happens at what we've come to know as the ‘awkward stage.' Once the hair achieves a length where it can be tied back, growing it out becomes easier, the hair looks neater, and compliments start to increase while criticisms go way down. Guys need support and encouragement." As well as support and encouragement, the Men's Longhair Movement also has inspirational "warriors" who have devoted their lives to defending the cause. Bill Choisser, for example, is a man dedicated to making the world a less dangerous place for longhairs. "Yes, the most common slur is ‘Get a haircut,'" confirms Bill. "This is the ‘n' word for us. Sometimes abuse is acted out by cutting hair off men who are not really willing. To longhaired men, this is as offensive as dragging a black man behind a truck." Can I get an "ooooh"? Can I get a "kaaaaay"? Bill also wanted us to know that this is bigger than a homophobia thing. In fact, gays can be the worst anti-longhairs. Remember that Queer Eye for the Straight Guy when the really faggy blond guy clipped that big surfer guy's hair wings? Here's what Bill had to say (swear to god, he said this): "For each cheerful ‘makeover' on television in the afternoon, we cry, because we know that night a hundred boys will be beaten." Visit the Longhair Hyperboard at http://the-light.com/mens/board.cgi.