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Vice Blog

PHOTOS OF A GIRL WHO KILLED HERSELF

Isolde Woudstra met Melissa through a forum where people talk about their desire to die. They bonded and Isolde followed her around for three years to take her photos. Melissa took her life in November 2009. This is a short selection of the photos Isolde shot and it's one of the heaviest series we've seen in a long while.

Vice: How did you meet Melissa?
Isolde Woudstra: In 2007 I had to do a project to finish my photography studies at art school. Before that I wanted to do something with psychic problems. Through internet forums I posted messages to tell people I was looking for people who were depressed and who wanted to die. That's how I got in touch with Melissa.

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Why did you decide on people who wanted to die?
A death wish is a fascinating thing. It's also a taboo, despite the fact that in Holland alone some 94,000 people a year try to kill themselves. That's 25 a day. Corny as it may sound, I wanted to give these people a voice. I think that a lot of people who jump in front of trains would rather take a pill and sit in bed with their loved ones. But that's not allowed. Don't get me wrong: I realize there are rash, spur-of-the-moment suicides. But I believe there are also people who've thought about this for years and years and just go: "This is what I want." And I think you should have the right to die the way you want.

How was your first meeting with Melissa?
The first time we agreed to meet we went for cocoa on a patio. She was still in a closed institution then. But soon after she moved to a place where she could live on her own with some monitoring/under supervision. She was 24 at the time. She'd first attempted suicide at 14 and had been diagnosed with a severe case of borderline personality disorder. She was bullied at school and I don't think she finished high school. But when I met her it seemed like things were turning out all right for her. At first we just talked for a bit. I told her what I had in mind, and asked her whether she was up for that.

You two got along?
Yes. She liked the fact that she could talk openly about her problems with someone her own age. The only other people with she talked to were her doctors and psychiatrist who were obliged to tell her life was worth living, whereas I was more neutral towards her predicament. I don't know if that's a good thing, but she said she liked the fact that I didn't judge her.

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Things were what they were.
I wasn't going to tell her "come on, it's going to be better, the sun will come out tomorrow". Of course I still tried to console her and calm her down. But we had a good time together. We went for walks, went to bars, did stuff.

But she still wasn't doing well.
She'd been on heavy medication for a few years, an anti-psychotic drug I can't remember the name of, but which made her feel really bad. But when she didn't take it, the psychoses came back. She once told me that during a psychotic episode, she could tell people were from another planet based on their skin color so she'd go up to them and tell them. When she snapped out those spells, she remembered doing all these things and freaked out, like What have I done? What are those people thinking of me?

And that made her sadder again.
Yeah. It embarrassed her. She'd talk about that with me, almost giggling: "You'll never guess what I did last week." But I those are the things that make life tough. Knowing that you're different.

How did her family cope?
She has two younger brothers and very sweet parents. They're all very nice. I don't think she saw her parents that much, but she did call her mom a lot on the phone. Her parents kept on hoping that someday there'd be a treatment that worked. Like, people are trying to see if electroshock therapy could help people like Melissa. But Melissa found it hard to wait for something that she wasn't sure off would even help her. She'd been waiting for 13 years. How long do you keep on waiting like that?

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Did it make you sad at the time? The series is depressing. It's cute and honest, but also a massive headcrushing bummer.
It wasn't that bad. We could laugh together. Sometimes she'd tell me how she felt and I would start crying and then we'd both be blubbering together. Like, what a fucked up situation. It does that to you when you become friends. On the whole she was pretty cheerful when we were together.

How did she die?
She died in her bed, as far as I know. I don't have all the details. At some point she got in touch with the NVVE, a Dutch organization for voluntary euthanasia. Assisted suicide is illegal in Holland, but it's not illegal to sit on someone's bedside while they do it. Someone from the organization came and stood by her while she took her life. It's like a service they provide. They just sit with you until you pass. Then they call a doctor, parents, everything. As far as I know Melissa ordered a cocktail of medication on the internet.

How did you find out? Did you know in advance she was going to do it?
She didn't say it literally. It's very hard because of the legal stuff. If she told anyone that she was going to do it herself, she'd be institutionalized again and she did all she could to prevent that from happening. I know she'd requested euthanasia with her doctors before, but to no avail. If you want to do it, you have to be cold-blooded. But she did drop hints. At one point she called me and said: "Can you come next week, I'd like to see you one more time." She wanted us to go to her favorite Chinese restaurant. When we said goodbye at the train station she said: "I love you, you mean a lot to me." Two weeks later she was dead.

How did you find out she passed away?
Her parents called me. They never called me before, so when I heard it was her mother I knew what was up. "She passed away." She'd made arrangements for her entire funeral, up to the outfit she wanted to wear and her gravestone and card. All the addresses the card should be sent to. That phone call was something from a film. It startled me more than I'd expected. I knew how sad her parents were, so I was afraid to even think it, but I was like: You did it, you made it. I could find comfort in that.

INTERVIEW BY JAN VAN TIENEN