Photo illustration By. Noel Ransome
Hey Justin, it's me: Celeste!I'm VICE.com's young and very trendy intern. I'm so cool that, when you visited our office in Toronto the other day, I didn't even show up because I had other plans. I am told by my older, confused editors that your latest attempt in being The Coolest Prime Minister Ever involves cupping. After some slow months since your butt meme, and your snarky #WelcomeToCanada tweet, did you think that the resurfaced ancient Chinese physical therapy method might be a Cool Thing to get you back on the viral map? In addition to considering its potentially painful (and disgusting) repercussions, maybe you should ask yourself: if your cupping hickeys were truly trend-keeping, how come I had to hear about it from some grown men and not from a meme on my TL?Cupping certainly has adults—some even older than my editors—confused but if you think you're going to stoke your momentum with young teens by doing something that Michael Phelps did, like eight WHOLE months ago: you're wrong. If we had met on Monday, I would have told you: I'm young, I haven't given up on your worthiness for internet fame yet, and I'm ready to give you safer, better tips to truly stay on-trend as your full-time Youth and Celebs Trend Adviser!Tip #1: Buy some non-solid pants
Your pants are 100 percent too opaque, which make them 100 percent non-shareable. If you want to ease this trend into your wardrobe, you can also start with clear-knees jeans or no-pockets jeans. But time is of the essence and I bargain that by nightfall, the teens won't even give you a second look if your pants aren't totally see-through.Tip #2: Post a pic of yourself using FaceApp
You don't even exist if you haven't used the app that makes your face younger, older, more masculine, more feminine, lightens your skin, and more. Let's be honest, it's not your intellect that's doing the heavy-lifting for your online presence, so let's not miss any opportunities to circulate that symmetrical face of yours, okay bb?Tip #3: Stop using upper-case and punctuation in your tweets
are u fuq'd? Anyone who's anyone knows that proper grammar by true celebrities is reserved for apology letters when a video of you saying something racist surfaces. Enough with proper spelling in bilingual tweets, ur embarrassing our country in 2 languages.Tip #4: Change your kid's names to colours
Ella-Grace, Xavier, and Hadrien? I can see that you attempted to be quirky, but in Beyonce's 2017, the trend gods desire baby names that are colours. Indigo, Turquoise (French?!), and Yellow will suffice. This is a longitudinal tip for the rest of you and your children's lives! Any time they are mentioned ever again, the trace of your trendiness will resurge. Think of your generational legacy, Justin.Tip #5: Hate on (unicorn-related) things
This one is counter-intuitive, I know! You're supposed to be the very polite, Canadian "anti-Trump" and you're wondering, "Shouldn't I celebrate trends of all kinds?" No. Everyone and their Sophies endorsed unicorn frapps last week (also, I kinda think VICE did? Why did they not consult me, the enlightened youth?) The best way to distinguish yourself within a trend is: say that you hate it in a vulgar way. Next time a new trend hits your feed, spit it out like Katy Perry or be a hyperbolic dick about it like Anthony Bourdain. Slime blogs are for assholes, polaroid photos are bigoted, and Snapchat filters are "the nexus of awfulness," got it?Conclusion
Stop letting your team fool you into tone deaf trends, Justin. Can you imagine if you accidentally used the word "squad" or if you posted a pic of a Sweet Jesus ice cream cone? I'm shuddering just thinking about it. You need an adviser who is going to give you up-to-date, daily advice, someone who is going to stop you from the embarrassment of partaking in months-old trends. I am that adviser. If I'm going to have to explain $600 pants to an adult man anyways, I'd rather it be you: an up-and-coming internet star. Text me next time you're in the office, and I'll let you know if I'm free for a half-hour consult. I'll be sure to mention that the kids are really down with the environment and you should stop building pipelines.Follow Celeste on Twitter.
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Your pants are 100 percent too opaque, which make them 100 percent non-shareable. If you want to ease this trend into your wardrobe, you can also start with clear-knees jeans or no-pockets jeans. But time is of the essence and I bargain that by nightfall, the teens won't even give you a second look if your pants aren't totally see-through.Tip #2: Post a pic of yourself using FaceApp
You don't even exist if you haven't used the app that makes your face younger, older, more masculine, more feminine, lightens your skin, and more. Let's be honest, it's not your intellect that's doing the heavy-lifting for your online presence, so let's not miss any opportunities to circulate that symmetrical face of yours, okay bb?Tip #3: Stop using upper-case and punctuation in your tweets
are u fuq'd? Anyone who's anyone knows that proper grammar by true celebrities is reserved for apology letters when a video of you saying something racist surfaces. Enough with proper spelling in bilingual tweets, ur embarrassing our country in 2 languages.Tip #4: Change your kid's names to colours
Ella-Grace, Xavier, and Hadrien? I can see that you attempted to be quirky, but in Beyonce's 2017, the trend gods desire baby names that are colours. Indigo, Turquoise (French?!), and Yellow will suffice. This is a longitudinal tip for the rest of you and your children's lives! Any time they are mentioned ever again, the trace of your trendiness will resurge. Think of your generational legacy, Justin.Tip #5: Hate on (unicorn-related) things
This one is counter-intuitive, I know! You're supposed to be the very polite, Canadian "anti-Trump" and you're wondering, "Shouldn't I celebrate trends of all kinds?" No. Everyone and their Sophies endorsed unicorn frapps last week (also, I kinda think VICE did? Why did they not consult me, the enlightened youth?) The best way to distinguish yourself within a trend is: say that you hate it in a vulgar way. Next time a new trend hits your feed, spit it out like Katy Perry or be a hyperbolic dick about it like Anthony Bourdain. Slime blogs are for assholes, polaroid photos are bigoted, and Snapchat filters are "the nexus of awfulness," got it?Conclusion
Stop letting your team fool you into tone deaf trends, Justin. Can you imagine if you accidentally used the word "squad" or if you posted a pic of a Sweet Jesus ice cream cone? I'm shuddering just thinking about it. You need an adviser who is going to give you up-to-date, daily advice, someone who is going to stop you from the embarrassment of partaking in months-old trends. I am that adviser. If I'm going to have to explain $600 pants to an adult man anyways, I'd rather it be you: an up-and-coming internet star. Text me next time you're in the office, and I'll let you know if I'm free for a half-hour consult. I'll be sure to mention that the kids are really down with the environment and you should stop building pipelines.Follow Celeste on Twitter.