Tuesday, Amazon announced that it had added more than 50 brands to its lineup of Dash buttons, which allow you to order refills of common household products using a wifi-connected plastic dongle thing that was once widely thought to be an April Fools Day joke.
If Dash buttons ever become popular, they are going to be an environmental disaster—they are $5 disposable electronics; most of them will likely end up in the trash heap someday. But let's put that aside for a moment to rank each and every one of the 156 Dash buttons you can now stick all over your house (it would cost $785 to buy every single Dash button).
The products were ranked using a somewhat arbitrary mix of how urgently you might need the product, how often you are to refill it, and any experience we've had using the products.
156: TRUE IMAGE - I have no idea what this is, even after trying to look it up. My best guess is that it's … computer backup software. This is the worst Dash button.
155: Ziploc - Amazon, I need more Ziploc bags to hold all these Dash buttons I bought.
154: Rid-X Septic Treatment - Look, I mean this in the nicest way possible. But I've always imagined that one of the joys of living in an area that requires you to have a septic tank is that you have time to like, go to the general store and talk to the shopkeep about the rising price of chickenfeed. I know nothing of the time demands of rural life.
153: DUDE - A startup that sells flushable toilet wipes, FOR MEN. Rolling my eyes so hard rn.
152: Supergoop! - Fancy sunscreen. Button only useful for spray sunscreen because those bottles run out in four seconds.
151: Dropps Laundry pods - I have never, ever understood why detergent pods are necessary, as if it's DISASTROUS if you pour in slightly too much or slightly too little powder or liquid.
150: Schwarzkopf - Never go gray again! Stick this on your face so when you notice the first bit of gray in the mirror, you can push it (note: Do not smash too hard or you will hurt your face).
149: Hubert's Lemonade - This lemonade is dope but I can imagine anyone who drinks this much lemonade would likely end up with citric acid-related esophageal problems.
148: Hammermill Printer Paper - I have to imagine that the Venn diagram between people who have working printers and people who are Amazon Dash enthusiasts is two separate circles.
147: V8 +Energy - Did not know that V8 was on the Five Hour Energy competitor train—drop one of these into a Bloody Mary and chug.
146: V8 Vegetable Juice
145: Hershey's Variety Pack - This is obviously for offices but I wish offices would just focus on Hershey's with almonds; people with nut allergies can go pound sand.
144: Litter Genie Litter
143: Greenies Dog Toothbrushes - Everyone wants to brush their dog's teeth more but judging by the half-full pack of these at my parents' house, I suspect no one ever does it.
142: Airborne - If you are so consistently exposed to pathogens that you feel the need to compulsively consume Airborne you should consider getting an Amazon Dash Button for some bleach. I will say this stuff tastes delicious though.
141: Milk Baby Soap by Milk & Co
140: Milk by Klim by Milk & Co - Australian Olympic swimmer Michael Klim founded this skincare company that has a name that I'm pretty sure is from Zoolander.
139: Amoretti Flavored Syrups - How much flavored syrup are you really using?
138: Aquaphor - Personally I'm not signing on to this until Amazon makes implantable dash buttons so i can just press my lips whenever I want more.
137: Arm & Hammer Cat Litter - I'd give anything to see the face attached to the arm from Arm & Hammer.
136: Old Mother Hubbard Dog Bones - Old Mother Hubbard and Her Dog is a highly confusing nursery rhyme that leads me to believe we shouldn't trust her with our animals.
135: Brookside Bars
134: Clif Bars
133: Pepperidge Farm Milano Cookies - Once there was a Pepperidge Farm outlet on the way home from the beach that we stopped at every time. I got Milanos every time we passed by it. It closed in like 1998 and I haven't thought of them since. (I have since been informed by our Managing Editor Adrianne Jeffries that I am alone in my Milano indifference).
132: Blue Sky Soda
131: Ageless La Cure
130: Vega - Vega is a character in Street Fighter who wears a mask to protect his beautiful face. He is very strong and powerful, which is probably why they made a Dash Button for him.
129: Ocean Spray PACt
128: Caleb's Kola - Pepsi made a "craft cola," spelled it with a 'K' to denote it as such.
127: Nature Valley Granola Bars
126: Brita Filter Refills
125: AZO Bladder Control
124: Culturelle - My mom bought these probiotics once because I said I had a stomachache but they didn't do anything, probably because I never took them, but also because there is no scientific evidence probiotics work—just lick the underside of your Dash button, there is likely bacteria there.
123: Culturelle Kids - Bacteria, for babies!
122: Digestive Advantage Probiotic Supplements
121: New Chapter Vitamins and Fish Oil
120: L'il Critters Vitamins
119: Hansen's Soda
118: Lärabar - *Umlaut throws Amazon dash button into emergency self-destruct mode*
117: IceBreakers - I've found that "Hello, I have a plastic internet-of-things-connected button that allows me to order large quantities of IceBreaker-brand mints at a moment's notice," is not a great icebreaker.
116: Maxwell House
115: Lavazza Coffee
114: Illy Coffee
113: Brooklyn Bean - Nothing says "gourmet coffee" like "I can order K-cup pods by the dozen by pushing a button on a piece of plastic."
112: L'Oréal Paris Revitalift
111: Luminess Air Makeup - Every girlfriend I've ever had has used their makeup until there are just tiny little specks of it on the side of the tub, I suspect the Dash button will change little.
109: Vitafusion Vitamins - If you were dating someone and found out that they owned a complete set of every vitamin Amazon Dash Button, what would you do?
108: AZO Urinary Tract Health (a different one)
107: New Chapter Multivitamins
106: Osteo Bi-Flex - A lot of these products seem to be for older consumers which, let's put on our serious hats here for a second: Tech has generally failed senior citizens, and they are generally less mobile and less tech savvy. Dash seems like something a grandkid could set up for their grandparents.
105: CocoaVia - These are supposedly healthy cocoa extract pills sold by a candy company. 104: Nutiva Coconut Oil
103: SmartyPants Multivitamins
102: Estroven Menopause Relief
101: Move Free Joint Health
99: La Roche-Posay Skincare
98: Olay: Makeup on-demand. Isn't that a startup?
97: Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard 100% Whey Protein - I still have some Whey protein from 2014 because I wanted to make sure I had it only after I lifted weights so I could get MAX GAINS. Protein powder is so expensive that it must be rationed to the point where it's no longer effective and must be bought with shady GNC memberships.
96: Peet's Coffee
95: OxiClean - Billy Mays would be proud
94: Dasani - I could never get over the fact that Dasani was sold at McDonalds, I consider it the least healthy of the waters even though there is literally no evidence to back that up.
93: Purina Beyond Dog Food
92: Affresh Washing Machine Washers: I didn't even know this kind of product existed (it helps clean your washing machine and dishwasher) but now I must have it.
91: Persil Washing Machine Soap
90: Enjoy Life Foods Gluten-Free Snacks
89: EveryDrop Water Filter
88: All Laundry Detergent - In elementary school I did a science fair experiment where I ran around on a muddy baseball field in socks and then tried various types of detergent to get the stains out. All performed the worst, though I don't know if my results are repeatable.
86: Pure Leaf Iced Tea
85: Glade air fresheners
84: Air Wick - I look forward to the Glade / Air Wick Amazon Dash Wars of 2019.
83: Quest Nutrition
82: Plum Organics Mashups - This looks like a hippie mashup of GoGurt and fruit snacks, which sounds dope.
81: D'Addario Guitar Strings - Stick this on the back of your guitar and next time you break a string at a gig, mash it to the rhythm you were going for.
80: Quaker - I just checked, and the Quaker oats man is not an exception to Rule 34, which is infallible.
79: David Sunflower Seeds - Sunflower seeds are highly underrated by anyone who doesn't play baseball. I'm just torn about what flavor Dash button I'll get—I'm kind of an original purist but Ranch is a crowd pleaser and you don't want your teammates to get too pissed at you if you strike out.
78: Doritos - As long as we're talking the red bag I'll take 10 Dash Buttons.
77: Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Popping Corn - Good for we're-running-low-on-popcorn emergencies which happen more often than you'd think. Note: Dash button is not microwave safe.
76: Quartet Whiteboard Supplies - For companies whose strategy teams have a lot of synergy with their office supply teams.
75: Dixie tableware products - BRO WE'RE NEVER RUNNING OUT OF PONG CUPS AGAIN.
74: Rayovac - Rayovac is the RC Cola of battery brands.
72: Green Works - They sell this fancy counter spray at the organic bodega by my house but I always want as many chemicals as possible when I'm cleaning because I feel like my body can handle weird chemicals better than it can handle living bacteria.
71: Seventh Generation diapers / cleaning supplies
70: Near East CousCous
69: Burt's Bees - The problem with Dash buttons is that you gotta choose WHICH product you want. Burt and his bees make like 72 types of hand cream alone so this is a tough decision.
68: Garnier shampoo, etc - Same problem as Burt's
67: Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day
66: Dial - Do you think there were secret negotiations between soap companies and Amazon to be first to get Dash buttons? If you know anything about this highly entertaining hypothetical please contact me securely.
65: Wisk Deep Clean Laundry Detergent
64: Cascade - After spending one year in a very bad apartment that had mice and falling ceiling and a mean landlord who I yelled at over the phone, I upgraded to an apartment that has a dishwasher. It's very nice! But dishwashers need these little pod things, and I would very much like to just push a button to get more when we're running low.
63: Dial Liquid Hand Soap
62: Finish Dishwashing Detergent
61: TheraBreath - I find it hard to believe that someone needs this industrial-quality breath rinse so often that they need to put a single-use button in their home dedicated to buying more of it.
60: FoodSaver Vacuum Seal Refills - Vacuum seal all of your Dash buttons so they'll never go bad!
59: Puffs Tissues - I grew up in a household that didn't believe in tissues and I'm not going to let that change now. Toilet paper gets the job done. This would have been useful once a year, however, to order the one tissue box per child my school required us to bring in.
58: Trident - Orbit gum, which is also a Dash button, is a far superior gum.
57: Gerber Formula - The woman who was the model for the Gerber baby is now 90 years old. Little known fact: Her first words were "Internet of Things." Adorable.
56: Izze Sparkling Water
54: Schick Men's Razors - I couldn't grow a beard if my life depended on it, so it'd be super handy to have a Dash Button in my bathroom for high-quality razors that I can push once, like, every six months. Like Dollar Shave Club, but on my schedule.
53: Schick Women's Razors - RAZORS ARE A SCAM THEY ONLY WANT YOU TO BUY THE BLADESSSSSS!!!!! And Amazon is complicit!
52: Honest Kids
51: Honest Tea
50: Gain - Gain's website is ilovegain.com. I would love to meet the people who feel passionate about Gain.
49: Wilson Jones Binders - I find it hard to believe that a three-ring-binder enthusiast would be so disorganized that he or she would need an emergency resupply of three-ring binders, but what do I know?
48: Slim Jim - Snap into a neverending supply of sodium!
47: FIJI Water - I've never purchased a FIJI water but my aunt once bought like a thousand of these and I must admit that it is indeed worth shipping bottled H20 from island paradises to the other side of the Earth because it's goddamn delicious.
46: Simplehuman high end garbage bags - Simplehuman makes super high-end garbage cans, and the Dash Button will instantly re-up your supply of equally high-end garbage bags. For the strivers in the crowd.
45: Vichy - If you don't have a consistent supply of mineralizing thermal spa water from French volcanoes, do you really care about yourself?
44: Schiff Glucosamine - I like that in 2016 you can say "honey we're all out of glucosamine but don't worry I hit the glucosamine button so we'll have more in two days."
43: Glad trash bags
42: Hefty Trash and Storage Bags - So long as these are scented and have the draw strings I'm happy to have a Dash Button sitting in my kitchen at all times.
41: Mentos - I like the idea of never running out of Mentos but the only logical place for this button is on the desk at your workplace or in your pocket. Are there other places people normally store Mentos?
40: Balance Bar -You can't yet order Soylent with a Dash Button. Balance bars are probably the next best thing.
39: Smartwater - Man, people who buy Smartwater are the same kind of schmucks who will buy a button for ordering Smartwater.
38: Vanity Fair Napkins - I'm going to assume these are very fancy napkins for very fancy people, so I'll take two.
37: Vitamin Water
36: Derwent Colored Pencils - For the artist who has no qualms with participating in a dystopian society.
34: Wellness pet food
33: Stacy's Pita Chips - I'm new to pita chips, but as I understand it they're a healthy alternative to traditional potato chips. Note from Jason: Nicholas, pita chips are bad for you however they are delicious and I challenge anyone to have the self-control to not eat an entire bag of these on, say, a long car ride.
32: Kraft Mac & Cheese - This will be sold exclusively to stoners, college kids, and stoner college kids. I appreciate Amazon reaching out to these demographics.
31: Snuggle Laundry Detergent
30: Downy Laundry Detergent
29: Tide - Tide was the winner of my baseball socks science fair experiment, if you're wondering. Gotta pay for quality.
28: Starbucks Doubleshot Coffee - These give me instant panic attacks but I know that at the rate some people go through these it's probably a good thing to have a button press away.
27: Hunt's Tomatoes - For some reason the idea of panic ordering tomato sauce with a button is the funniest visual I get from this entire list.
26: Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers - I would put these in the VICE kitchen because we always run out. If Pepperidge Farm is listening I'm sure we can work out some sort of deal.
25: Bounty - Do you have a dog, or a baby? Then you know they're constantly knocking things over, things that then need to be cleaned up. I need something faster than a Dash Button given how quickly I run through paper towels.
23: Orbit Gum - Reintroducing Orbit to the United States was the smartest thing Wrigley ever did—changed the gum shape / packaging game forever. Wintermint is delicious however I rarely eat more than one piece of gum out of a pack before I let it melt in backpack onto all of my electronics.
22: Swanson Broth and Stock - Push the button and baby you got a stew goin'.
21: O.N.E. Coconut Water
20: ZICO Pure Coconut Water - Similar to Gatorade, this one is only useful if you plan your hangovers well or you've got same-day delivery in your city.
19: Jolie Paris Candles - Proposed promotion: If you light a Jolie Paris candle, immediately hit the button to order a new one, and it doesn't get there before the candle burns out, your order is free.
18: Red Bull - I am a semi-retired hardcore gamer, but Red Bull is my go-to drink when I want to stay up all night playing World of Warcraft or Civilization or anything else that reminds me of my early 20s.I'd want the Dash Button next to my gaming PC's keyboard, for whenever the mood strikes.
17: Campbell's Soup - *Imagines Ted Cruz frantically mashing Campbell's soup button*
16: Solid Gold Pet Food - Dogfood.guru tells me that Solid Gold makes dope gluten free dogfood but that it sometimes gets recalled for having salmonella in it. Better put the Dash button on the ground and let your dog decide if she's willing to take that risk.
15: Clorox -These are super useful to wipe off the kitchen counter, or to disinfect your Clorox wipes dash button.
14: Amazon Elements Diapers - I don't have a small child but if I did I'd want high-quality baby products at affordable prices, which I'm pretty sure is the whole point of Amazon Elements. I'd probably want a Dash Button near the baby's crib.
13: Huggies - Good for new parents, diaper fetishists, and diaper people.
12: MegaRed Krill Oil - Oh, you get your Omega-3s from fish oil? Fuck you, I have a neverending supply of KRILL that I can summon with the mere press of a button. - Poseidon.
11: PLAY-DOH - I like to imagine the PLAY-DOH shortage emergencies that would lead a parent to mash on this button.
10: NERF - A disaster for parents who give their kids physical access to this button, but hilarious nonetheless. A plus: makes a good NERF dart target.
9: Gatorade - In theory, this is a perfect Dash button as emergency Gatorades are often necessary for I-can't-get-out-of-bed hangovers—but these only work if you have same-day delivery.
8: Playtex Sport Tampons
7: Carefree Feminine Liners
6: Stayfree Feminine Pads - Does Amazon get credit for not pretending like women don't get periods? Much like toilet paper, tampons and pads are a necessity, awful to run out of, consumable, and easy to tell when you're gonna run out.
4: Quilted Northern - Toilet paper is the obvious Dash button test case, as it's both easy to know when you're running out and it's DEVASTATING if you do.
2: Angel Soft
1: Trojan Condoms - Hands down the best one. Can you imagine conspicuously sticking one of these on your nightstand and hitting this button when you're finished having sex? BEING RESPONSIBLE IS SEXY.