Photo of flared jeans via Topshop
After the tyrannical summer reign of the culotte, it seemed that we were safe. The wide-legged, patterned bandits appeared ready to be replaced with some new fall staples, perhaps trendier and more 70s-inspired than some of us would like, but certainly not a jersey culotte, and so we were out of the woods. Sure, corduroy was happening again, and it's not the most flattering fabric in the world, but it's cosy and has a certain OshKosh B'gosh comfort to it. And fine, wide leg pants are very much still present, but a full-length leg means you can work something out with heels or flatforms or something, if you must. And those of us uninterested can just put on one of those button-front A-line skirts that you're required by law to sell in three colours if you're a fashion retailer in October 2015.And yet.This autumn has wrought a new, crueler torment: cropped, flared pants. Designed at no one's request with no one in mind, these look good on no one and contribute nothing to any ensemble. Pop a pair of these on and you will have cold shins and wide calves, a brightly patterned camel toe and a strong whiff of "Delia's model fallen on hard times." Somehow, despite all this, these pants are everywhere. Below, please find a compete list of worse ideas than cropped, flared pants. Anything not included on this list should be considered a better idea.- Blackface Halloween costumes- Steampunk- Talking to your elderly uncle about reproductive rights- White short shorts with flared, crochet overlay- Keeping your ex's phone number "for when we're friends again"- "Festival fashion"- Slow jams at karaoke- Flirting via celebrity impression- "Fun" voicemail messages- Actually committing to a cleanse- Dating a freegan- Telling someone they're "good on Twitter"- Reading the comments- Participating in the comments- Publicly declaring yourself "not a feminist" during the press junket for your major motion picture- Trying out new slang in front of coworkers- Not using the condom "for a bit"- Flared, cropped cargo pants- Flared, cropped "pants," UK version (undies)- Adult subtweeting- Sitting next to someone on the subway without leaving the distance of a courtesy seat- Lifestyle blogging- Suspenders- Group email chains- Acoustic covers of hip hop songs- Ukulele covers of any song- Making a big deal about how you're "about to start exercising"- "Just to play Devil's Advocate for a second…"- Clogs[NB: this is a comedy article. There is no idea worse than cropped, flared pants.****except for flared, cropped cargo pants, obviously.]
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