5 Signs You’re Dating Someone Emotionally Unavailable

If you’ve ever dated an emotionally unavailable partner, you likely know the rollercoaster ride of emotions that comes with it. But if it’s such a painful experience, why, then, do so many of us fall into this trap over and over?

Oftentimes, an emotionally unavailable person doesn’t appear this way from the start. Many of us wear facades early on in dating, presenting the best version of ourselves and hoping we can maintain it. Ultimately, though, our true colors eventually bleed through. This is often why many people don’t make it past the “honeymoon stage” or the infamous “three-month” mark.

However, some early signs could indicate you’re dating an emotionally unavailable person…

1. Excessive Attention/Excitement Early On

Some people call this “love bombing,” but I hate overusing that term, as it usually refers to a manipulative tactic people use to tie you down, followed by devaluation and other forms of abuse. Typically, many emotionally unavailable people aren’t intentionally trying to trap you. In fact, their excitement and feelings for you are usually authentic. 

However, over-excitement super early on can point to emotional unavailability, as this is the “safe” stage in the relationship. You know, before things get serious. 

If someone doesn’t know you all that well yet is acting like they’re head-over-heels in love and using grand gestures to express this, they might just be looking for the initial rush that accompanies the early stages of a relationship. Once things get serious and deep, they tend to dip. 

2. Rushed Physical Intimacy

Some emotionally unavailable people feel more comfortable with physical intimacy than with emotional intimacy, so they might use sex as a way to connect. Rather than having conversations about your family life or interests, you might find the person talking more about, well, sex or surface-level topics. 

I’m not telling you what to do with your body, but if you want to avoid the emotionally unavailable trap, you might want to take things slowly in the bedroom and get to know your partner before rushing into anything physical.

3. Defensiveness

Because emotionally unavailable individuals often feel uncomfortable when discussing their emotions, they’ll often become defensive if you bring up any issues or hurt feelings. In my experience, such people tend to operate from a place of shame, so they might have trouble accepting that their actions caused you pain and will look to shift the blame.

This can create an unhealthy dynamic, especially if you’re a more anxious person who naturally takes responsibility for issues within a relationship.

4. Inconsistency

When someone is emotionally unavailable, they might give you mixed signals. One day, they’re over the moon about you and your relationship. Next thing you know, they’re retreating to their solitude and giving you one-word answers. 

Small triggers might set them off, and since they’re typically not comfortable sharing or feeling their emotions, they might instead shut down and shut you out. 

5. Poor Conflict Resolution

As stated earlier, many emotionally unavailable partners tend to avoid any sort of conflict. This might be why someone who appeared attentive and charming in the honeymoon stage of a relationship eventually turns cold and callous during a breakup. Once there’s a threat of loss or a conversation about feelings, many will either pull back or run away without as much as a conversation.

This doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings or don’t care about you. Rather, they aren’t comfortable letting themselves feel or process it. Instead, they’d prefer to move on and jump into a new honeymoon stage.

Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

Now, I want to make it clear that just because someone is emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean they’re a bad person or abusive partner. Usually, their patterns stem from past traumas, childhood dynamics, and fear. Really, they’re just trying to find love while protecting themselves, like everyone else.

However, that also doesn’t mean you should accommodate such patterns. Look out for the above red flags and address them with your partner if they become an issue. How they respond to these conversations will give you insight into their availability and willingness to work through conflict.

Additionally, instead of prioritizing intense chemistry, look for a slow, steady, and consistent partner. A healthy connection is built over time.