What's Your Favorite Porny 80s Video Game?

In the age of the Atari 2600, video games were a novel and spell-binding creation. Plug a machine into your TV, turn it on, fight pixelated demons and revel in the futuristic fun. Like anything involving fun, teenage boys and being alone in a room with a screen, it wasn’t long before game makers threw sex into the mix. And so just a few years after Pong changed the world of home entertainment, porn earned its place in video gaming history.

One company called Mystique even had a dedicated series of games that it called “Swedish Erotica.” Over at VICE, Gregory Pike recently took a test drive of a few of the fleshy games and identified a clear favorite: Custer’s Revenge. Unlike the other games reviewed, which included such fun activities as helping naked blonde ladies catch falling the semen of a dude jacking off on a rooftop and a bachelor jacked up on Spanish Fly trying to bang strippers, Custer’s Revenge has a historical element to it. Pike explains:

Feminists, Native Rights groups, and video game critics were outraged at its depiction of a naked cowboy scurrying across the screen while avoiding falling arrows, in order to thrust his pixelated boner into a busty Native American woman tied to a pole. Every 50 rape-thrusts get you an extra life. While it's pretty easy to avoid the slowly falling arrows in the beginning, like intensely weird sexual relationships in real life, shit gets crazier the more you bang until eventually the sky comes crashing down and everything falls apart. The 80s graphics and sound effects are pretty crude, but even in 2012, it's pretty clear that you're playing interactive racist pornography.

We’re a hands-on, open-minded crew here at Motherboard, and so we encourage you to try out the games for yourself. Start with an Atari emulator for your computer which you can download here, and Google around for Mystique’s Beat’Em & Eat’Em and Bachelor Party, not to mention Custer’s Revenge. If 8-bit’s not your thing, there’s plenty of more modern stuff out there. (Try this Google search.) Because that unbeatable 80s video game formula we described above has evolved in the decades since to incorporate 3D graphics, playing against teenagers in remote foreign countries with an Internet connection and even controlling the game with your body movements. This could get interesting.