We Asked People How They Would Improve Sex Education

A couple of years ago I was watching Twin Peaks at home with my parents, and just my luck, it was the episode where Laura Palmer was raped. I felt the room freeze up with the special type of awkwardness that only happens when your parents themselves don't know what to do. As we watched Killer BOB slide up Laura Palmer's body and heard her screams while this terrifying monster rapes her, I could feel my parents glaring at me. Not only was this a scene about sex, something my parents were terrified to bring up, but also rape. Sex was a thing my parents knew little about, or at least they made it seem this way for most of my life. In Indonesia, most people's parents, like mine, do not educate their children about sex. Conservative families tend to think that sexuality is something you figure out on your own and is not a thing you can speak openly about. "It's is still considered taboo, unsuitable for children, haram, and inappropriate," Child Psychologist Tika Bisono told me. "Their biggest barrier is their [parents], who don't know how to talk about sexuality."

In 2016, Fit Chakra released a book called Aku Belajar Mengendalikan Diri (Learning To Control Myself), part of the series called I Can Protect Myself. The book talks about how children learn about masturbation and gives advice to parents on how they can deal with the topic. Although it's been out for months, anger on the internet exploded last week. Many accused the book of being pornography for children, leading to the book being taken off the shelves of bookstores, and publisher Tiga Serangkai making a public apology on Instagram.

Indonesia does not have a very clearly defined sex education policy. When parents are too reluctant to give sex education themselves, school is a kid's last resort, but as a result of bad policy, many young people to turn to  older friends or the internet for information. Komisi Perlindungan Anak Indonesia (Women Empowerment and Child Protection Ministry) has strongly recommended improving sex education in the school curriculum since 1999, but little progress has been made.

We asked young Indonesians how they first learned about sex and why the topic is so taboo here.

Have you had any sex education?
I have, my teachers in elementary school often gave sex education lessons. They do two-way learning, where the teachers and students learn at the same time. They teach theories with anatomical models of the human body. They taught the difference between the female and male sexes and the risks of having premarital sex. In middle school and high school I learned it all by myself. My sex education came from watching porn and talking to my friends, they talk me how it worked.

When you were learning about sex by yourself, there must be things you're curious about and dying to ask. Was there someone or somewhere you could go to talk about it?
My friends and probably cousins. Most of my cousins are boys, but I have many girl cousins who are very open about this. When I was a kid, they asked me if I wanted to watch porn [laughs]. I feel too awkward to ask my parents or the teachers. Their answers would've been so–meh. So I preferred asking my friends or cousins.

How do you think about sex education in Indonesia?
I think sex education in Indonesia is too rigid, but I am speaking from my own experience and observations with my family, school, and teachers. Some lecturers are too rigid when I ask them about sex education. I'm lucky I went to an all-boys senior high school, my teachers there were open to answer my questions regarding sex education. I'm reluctant to ask those people, because they're so averse to talking about this kind of stuff. Like, I am not supposed to watch porn, people kissing, naked, etc. Meanwhile I think by watching these things, as long as you know your limits and are aware of the risks, you can learn what to do and what not to do. Sometimes there's just rules against things without any explanations.

It's interesting that you went to an all-boys high school. Were there any particular benefits from going to that school over a mixed or all-girls school? 
Of course. I can't imagine if I had to go to a regular high school, like my middle school. I could only talk about sex education or make sexual jokes with a couple of people. In senior high school it was almost all boys, so there was no shame talking about it. Even teachers talked about their sex lives with their wives, and in the classroom students asked questions, made jokes, so the atmosphere was more relaxed.

What kind of myths around sex education need to be broken in Indonesia?
Myths like, children will be more obedient when they're given a lot of restrictions. That's not true. Look at me, my dad prohibited from watching porn since I was a kid, and yet I grew up eager to see things related to sex. It could have been a different story if my parents just let me be, maybe I eventually would get bored and learn my limits. Now that I am an adult, a result of the constraints around sex when I was a kid, I am curious to learn more about it.

Did you receive sex education from your parents or school?
Nope.

As a mother, how do you see sex education in Indonesia?
It's important for parents who are progressive. But it doesn't have to be delivered too upfront because whether you like it or not, Indonesians are still quite close-minded [about sex education]. I think we cannot apply the same education taught in other countries, we need to contextualize it. We should take it slow because many parents, like myself, didn't receive sex education. We learned it all by ourselves, and back then sexual violence didn't happen as much as today. It's more dangerous now and the children need to know, there needs to be a change [in sex education].

As a mother, what kind of sex education do you want to see implemented? 
I think teachers need to give a detailed explanation about the difference between the male and female sexes. What they can do and cannot do with their own bodies, and it can not be taught through textbooks. It's not something that should be in a textbook to be read and understood by children

Is it important for sex education to be taught at home?
I think it's important and it needs to start with the school's councilor. In my daughter's school, the teachers don't teach sex education. Instead they brought in experts in the sex education. That's important because teachers may have not have had sex education when they were kids. There's no sex education training for teachers. It has to be a team of doctors, criminologists, psychologists, and social science experts, that educate these teachers so they can teach the children. You can't do it through a textbook alone.

What are some of the myths around Indonesia's sex education?
It's a myth that 'sex' is something taboo that we cannot talk about it. While the fact is all of us must have or will have sex. It's something private, but it's not forbidden as long as you follow the rules. Sex is considered taboo, a big no-no, dirty. The more they prohibit sex, the more children will curious. Talking about sex with  parents should be okay. We don't have to talk about sexual intercourse right away, we can start by discussing what's inside our bodies. For example, we can tell our daughters, "You will go through menstruation," or discuss the question, "how can a woman get pregnant?" We can start from there

What do you teach to your 7 year old daughter?
I have taught her to get to know herself and her body. Once she knows her body, we can teach her that girls are different from boys. To protect her from unwanted things, I told her, "You must not shower with boys" even though they're still children. I told her to cover her body when she goes out of the house. There are some young children who go out wearing tank tops and hotpants, whenever she wants to wear skirt, I make her wear leggings. So she needs to feel shame, we need to teach shame early to children.

Did you get any sex education when you were little?
Nobody taught me. My mother is very conservative and thought such a thing doesn't need to be taught, so I learned by myself. When I was in school in Indonesia, nobody taught me that, but when I went to a school in the Philippines, I had sex education.

How was the sex education you had in Philippines?
They taught me how to use a condom and not to have sex before marriage.

You said you learned about sex by yourself, where did you learn it and how?
Mostly on the internet. I only look for stuff if there's a reason to. Like, I saw something in a film and I didn't know what that was, so I looked it up on the internet. I also talk to people, mostly friends.

What stereotypes around sex education in Indonesia need to be changed?
Most girls who have premarital sex are slut-shamed. Meanwhile the guys? People would say, "boys will be boys." This stereotype needs to be broken. In school there's a saying, "If a girl flirts with you, don't take the bait. Girls today are aggressive." Even in college some of my lecturers said this, it's sexist and discriminating.

What's the one taboo that bothers you about sex education?
I think it's about condoms. Every time somebody talks about about condoms, people tend to avoid the conversation. Something useful is considered taboo, only in Indonesia.