If there's a faster way to say "I'm over you" than an Instagrammed photo of your haircut (or better yet, an Instagrammed photo of the wet, discarded clippings on your hairdresser's floor), I don't want to hear about it. For conveying a subtle but firm sentiment—anything from "Fuck you" to "Fuck me"—a picture really is worth a thousand words. Some of these are worth a cool mil.
Message: "I'm drunk and you should text."
Photo: Why waste your time composing a carefree yet sexy selfie when a sultry closeup of your wine-stained, red lipstick-ed mouth backgrounded by what is very clearly a night in will get the job done just as quickly? Extra points if the toilet you're sitting on is flirtatiously peeking into the corner of the frame.
Message: "I don't care what you said about me, Stephanie, but I do hope you die."
Photo: A group shot in Cuba. As each member of your 34-woman party wraps a tanned arm around each other and looks over their shoulders at the camera, you do the secret tongue-out face you and Stephanie used to send across the room to each other at bars. Now, instead of, "That guy you're dancing with is ugly," it means, "You weren't invited, but my second cousin literally was."
Message: "I'm rich now."
Photo: A classic chow-down pic of a burrito, laden with avocado. "Guac is extra" doesn't scare you anymore.
Message: "I'm sleeping with someone again, finally."
Photo: Breakfast for two is too much. Boxers on the floor? Relax, Jezebel. Pop Infinite Jest on your windowsill, then take a picture of the sunset. Girls do NOT read Infinite Jest. [NB: If you're sleeping with a girl, just put a copy of Elena Ferrante out there. Chicks, right?]
Message: "I know A Famous."
Photo: For when it's too embarrassing to ask for a photo, but too tempting not to take one, the only solution is a surreptitious blurry photo of the side of that-girl-from-your-high-school-who's-Internet-Famous-now's head. People need to know she agreed to meet you for a Coolatta in the name of tenth grade science. Plus, imagine if one of her True Famous friends liked it?? Keep it breezy by not tagging her. Very casual.
Message: "I miss you, Michael."
Photo: A perfectly manicured hand shows off a sparkling new engagement ring. The caption says, "Happiest day of my life!!! Can't wait to marry my best friend @SteveCary," but your eyes say, "I wish he was you. I still think about Florida. Oh, Michael." As a bonus, this brave-yet-tortured look can be repeated during novelty-hat-and-stripper selfies at the bachelorette, in a pic with your mother-in-law at the wedding shower, and in the photo collage your sister makes (#sayyestothedress) of you trying on possible gowns. Michael might not technically be following you on any social media, but he'll know. He'll know.
Message: "I'm better than you."
Photo: A baby strapped to your front, green juice in one hand, your face lightly glistening from the effort of the ballet barre class you took on the way to spin. Your bike basket is packed with Whole Foods bags and art supplies. A tiny tattoo at your hairline just below your ear says, "I still know how to party." No one can see it, but anyone looking at the photo can tell you're wearing luxury lingerie. Your caption lets the public in on a secret: You're pregnant again! And going vegan!!!!!! Don't worry about this one seeming over the top—the sweat from barre shows you're down to earth.
Message: "Help me."
Photo: A well-framed, brightly lit photo depicting a crafts table littered with glitter, fabric swatches, and a hot glue gun. Caption should include a link inviting your 36 followers to invest in one of your fun, handmade purses.