A Drinking Game for the NBA Preseason

With a dearth of NBA #content thanks to the league's mandatory but frankly annoyingly offseason, we have crafted one of those very fun and cool Drinking Games to help diehards navigate the treacherous interregnum that is the NBA preseason.

When DeAndre Jordan makes four free throws in a row

Jordan, fresh off a harrowing summer spent having rival billionaires launch money at him, has dedicated himself to reworking the mechanics of his shot. Hack-A-DeAndre is reportedly not long for this world, but you remain a skeptic, since you are a person of science, not someone who worships bones or the directions in which flocks of migratory birds fly. As you have never actually seen a miracle, you'll believe in this gritty reboot of DeAndre Jordan when you see it.

The Drink: Take a shot of slightly less than top-shelf vodka out of a coffee mug and then reorganize your bookshelves alphabetically, genre be damned.

When someone on TV says the Chicago Bulls are Championship Contenders

Sure they are!

The Drink: Burn down your mansion and throw a bottle of your finest single-malt scotch at a photo of Donald Trump. Then eat a hotdog… Chicago style.

When the Philadelphia 76ers score points

No matter what sort of deranged adherence to chaos theory Sam Hinkie is playing at, it's likely that at some point the group of extremely young and confused more or less NBA players will score points. They may convert a layup accidentally. They may shoot a technical free throw and it goes in. Perhaps a half-court heave that doesn't have a prayer magically hits nothing but net. Sometimes the good guys win.

The Drink: Two margaritas (salted) while finally listening to NPR's Serial to see what the big deal was. You're not allowed to tell anyone what you think about Serial, good or bad. You think it's fine, but no Northern Exposure.

When you realize your favorite role player is now overseas

For players making a living on the margins of the NBA and journeymen getting on in years, basketball is a brutally tough business. A lucrative contract with a team in Europe or Asia offers a chance at a different sort of stardom, as well as the opportunity to eat unusual food all the time. Career tenth-men can achieve cult status in China or Lebanon or the Philippines, and, with a few good seasons or a Turkish league championship, add last-minute redemptive arcs to the narrative of their careers. The world, as some weird idiots sometimes still say, is flat.

Sometimes, however, a perfectly useful young-ish guy heeds the call of the exotic sirens promising more touches, more minutes, more money. When this happens…

The Drink: An hour before the sun goes down, drink a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice on a roof, either your own or that of a friend. Call your nearest living relative even if you are not on great terms. Have a positive and friendly conversation with them until the Smirnoff Ice is gone.

When you realize how weird the Nuggets roster is

The Nuggets exist, and also they employ Jameer Nelson now? That beer keg of a man? Oh yeah, you sort of vaguely remember that happening. Mike Miller was bought out in Portland and decided to go to … Denver? He probably likes craft beer—you can tell by his tattoos. Holy shit, Mike Malone is the coach? Mike, you cannot just scowl histrionically until you get to the 11th seed! Well, would you look at that, Danilo Gallinari and Wilson Chandler have been playing together longer than most marriages last. They are probably good friends. Two raw centers from the Balkans, too. Cool, cool. J.J. Hickson? You know what, fine. Sure.

The Drink: Drink a 40 of Mickey's down to the label, then fill the bottle with orange juice (no pulp). Write a note on yellowed parchment saying you are a time traveler and need help getting back to the future. Hide it very poorly in a public place.

When LeBron James and Kevin Love are caught smiling at each other on camera

It is important to some adults that Kevin Love and LeBron be buddies while they play on the name National Basketball Association team. You read about this sometimes.

The Drink: Stumble to your local bar. Order three shots of Wild Turkey and assure the bartender that your friends are right behind you and you want to surprise them. Take one shot. Ask the bartender how he got into bartending. Take the second shot. Ask the bartender if the clock hanging on the wall is right. Put your head in your hands for twenty seconds. Take the third shot. Leave a pretty good tip, but nothing crazy.

When a team that doesn't run or shoot threes claims it wants to run and shoot threes

Every year, some boring, plodding, not-so-great team declares its intention to piggyback on the league's dominant paradigm. Most of the time, it falls apart in training camp due to the realization that they don't have the right personnel, or that the mediocrities in charge just aren't willing to sacrifice their favorite orthodoxies. That's on them. You only need to drink when they pretend that they want to change the way they do things.

The Drink: Raspberry Sgroppino (sorbet, vodka, prosecco) and a commitment not to lie for the entire day, not even to yourself.

When broadcasters discuss the wrong Congo

Sometimes the Congo comes up. Nuggets rookie Emmanuel Mudiay might spur this conversation. Or perhaps it will be Thunder forward Serge Ibaka, who is from the lesser-known Congo, which sometimes people get confused with the more famous and more depressing Congo. It's not some great sin to mix up two countries that border each with more or less the same name, but NBA broadcasters (this seems like a mistake Ralph Lawler would make) should know better.

The Drink: Orange MD 20/20. Drink about a third of it, then do squats until you collapse. Instagram the bottle with an almost witty caption. Ice your legs.

When someone claims their team would have beaten the Warriors in the NBA Playoffs

Despite a season that was historically brutal, in the vein of the '96 Bulls or 1218 Genghis Khan, the Golden State Warriors are still being second-guessed as a team that benefited from injuries and match-ups and unseemly good luck, and which could not possibly defend their title. This is a tired counterfactual, but it also is persuasive to people who are eager to be persuaded.

The Drink: Close the curtains in your bedroom. Play Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" at an unreasonable volume. Play a game of flip cup by yourself. Drink bottles (not cans) of Miller High Life until you are confident that you are a very nice and good-looking person.

When your friends get into an argument about the two-state solution while Memphis plays Maccabi Haifa

You know how it goes. You want to see how Dave Joerger is going to utilize Matt Barnes and Brandan Wright in the rough and tumble twin bulldozer heavy offense of the Grizzlies, but you happen to be watching the game with a few friends of different political persuasions. It's hard to enjoy the tranquil mastery of Mike Conley and the frenzied on-the-ball smothering of Tony Allen when you have two pedantic killjoys on either side of you.

The Drink: Get your buddies to stop arguing. Then you must chug exactly one and a half bottles of Bud Light Lime in under a minute. Then pull out a deck of playing cards. Have someone deal you a card. If the card is numbered, you must drink Bud Light Lime for as many seconds as the number on your card. If it is a face card, you must go outside and smash the bottle and scream the name of the 12th man on the Grizzlies depth chart.