Dumb Football with Mike Tunison, Week 17

It's Black Monday in the NFL, meaning coaches and general managers are getting shitcanned, only to be eventually replaced by terrible retread candidates who failed with another team. Mike Shanahan has already been linked to two openings that I've seen and it's barely noon. That's how dispiriting this all is.

It doesn't have to be this way, though. It's time for the NFL to embrace the programming potential of coach firings. This is the same league that milks weeks of offseason material out of the scouting combine. Surely they can fabricate a television event out of people losing their livelihoods.

That's why, for the Monday after Week 17, the NFL should arrange for all 32 coaches to appear in an NFL Network studio, where the owner of each team will vote yay or nay on keeping them around. The fired coaches would receive a bevy of consolation gifts from NFL sponsors, ostensibly to make them feel better but really just to humiliate them further. Imagine the sadness of a man who has just been told of his firing only to have the insult compounded by being handed a Domino's pizza.

Coaches who have won a championship in the past five years are able to challenge a firing with a trial by combat: if he can make the owner tap out in five minutes, he gets to keep his job. Sure, this would seem to favor the more physically imposing coaches in the league, but when was the last time Marc Trestman won anything, anyway?

I'm already working up set designs. Call me, NFL.

Peyton Returns, Throws for 69

Just when it seemed like the Broncos were in danger of getting upset by the Chargers and losing their first-round bye, Peyton Manning rode in on a winged Papa John's box, a Nationwide jingle in his heart. Lo, his many stellar handoffs did quash the San Diego uprising.

Manning certainly looked better than the last time he saw action, in a four-interception death knell against the Chiefs in mid-November. It's entirely possible that the Broncos' next game, two weeks from now in the divisional round, will be against Kansas City, as well. Week 17's brief look at Peyton, now supercharged with rage at Al Jazeera and communicating with the public only through advertisements and terse statements from Ari Fleischer, was encouraging, though just how effective he will be is hard to glean from only nine passes. This is why no one is going to speculate about it at all.

Holy Shit, the AFC Is a Mess

As the regular season gives way to the postseason, one thing is abundantly clear: the AFC is a complete dog mess and the Super Bowl should just be Carolina versus Arizona. I kid, I kid—though I can't recall a time when an entire conference has looked this shaky at the start of the playoffs.

The only teams in the AFC entering the postseason with any semblance of momentum are Kansas City and Houston, teams that conveniently meet each other to kick off Wild Card Weekend on Saturday. The Texans only have a three-game winning streak because they've been able to punish pathetic AFC South teams that long since abandoned hope. As for the Chiefs, annoying publications are saying the team hasn't lost since the Royals won the World Series, though the Chiefs' 10-game win streak actually started before the Series even began. Please stop citing this factoid and maybe even consider deleting your account, NFL on ESPN.

The Patriots have lost three of their last five, and their offensive line is a disaster. Tom Brady was noticeably limping away from his press conference on Sunday. The Broncos have been struggling and just barely avoided being humiliated by a weak Chargers team. The Steelers have played ugly the past two weeks and now will likely be without DeAngelo Williams for their first-round game. Andy Dalton is still a question mark for the Bengals. Even if he's healthy, he's still Andy Dalton in the playoffs.

Anyway, momentum, like all football things the media harps on endlessly, is overblown. The 2012 Ravens lost four of their last five regular season games before catching fire in the playoffs and taking it all. Just because the Patriots and Broncos look like paper tigers now doesn't necessarily mean they will in two weeks—though if both of those teams do happen to go one-and-done, let me just say that worse things have happened.

Tom Coughlin Is Going to Whip This Duck Pond into Shape!

Tom Coughlin surprised the football world on Sunday by sparing the Giants the uncomfortable business of firing him—er, I mean, abruptly retiring! Big Blue is a privileged enough organization that a two-time Super Bowl–winning coach still might not be the most celebrated in team history; rather, it's probably Bill Parcells, who is at least three times the sociopath Coughlin is. It seems like Coughlin has mellowed some in recent years, meaning he might even be able to enjoy a peaceable post-football life of glaring at strangers' kids and berating Panera employees for not getting his soup out within three minutes.

Jim Harbaugh Has Already Knife-Carved This Quote onto His Chest

Do not be deceived. You will reap what you sow.

— Coach Harbaugh (@CoachJim4UM)January 4, 2016

A cryptic dig at his former employers in San Francisco now that they have fired his replacement? Another piece of evidence suggesting that he is indeed the Zodiac Killer? Or just a stern subtweet leveled at the local Chinese carryout place for billing him for two orders of steamed dumplings? Do they think he doesn't check the bill? Christ.

Always Tweet. And Always Tweet at Coaches.

It's an abiding truth you should always heed, as proved by Broncos safety Shiloh Keo. He only has his job because he tweeted at Denver defensive coordinator Wade Phillips in the beginning of December looking for work after T.J. Ward went down.

On Sunday, Keo's game-saving interception of Philip Rivers with five minutes left in the fourth gave Denver the ball at the San Diego 23. On the very next snap, Ronnie Hillman broke through traffic to reel off a 23-yard, go-ahead touchdown.

As of this writing, my tweets to 32 NFL defensive coordinators have yet to be returned, but I remain hopeful and will update.

Ragnar's Betrayal in a Losing Effort

Vikings (former) mascot Ragnar has choice words for — FOX Sports: NFL (@NFLonFOX)January 3, 2016

One of the 2015 season's less-heralded ridiculous storylines took a turn on Sunday, when Ragnar, the former Vikings mascot who left the team earlier this season because of a contract dispute, appeared on FOX's pregame show and expressed support for the Packers. Even without the blessing of a burly man who rides a motorcycle in a faux-fur vest, the Vikings were able to summon the strength to win in Green Bay.

Uh Oh, Another Debate About the Wave

— Jared Christopher (@JaredLChris)January 3, 2016

Some people have strong opinions about the Wave. There are those who consider it the sports fan equivalent of committing genocide, while the very chill other contingent simply sees it as a silly thing for sports fans to do to amuse themselves.

I'm obviously the very socially well-adjusted person who lets people be and enjoys his life, though I think there's a line to be drawn at doing the Wave while an injured player is being carted off the field. Just my two cents. Take it or leave it.

Dan Carpenter's Helmet Is Tired of Missing These Kicks

During the Seahawks' drubbing of the Cardinals, Joe Buck exclaimed that the increase in missed extra points this season has made the PAT among the most exciting plays in the sport. Look, I don't know all the facts about this, and it's possible that Joe Buck truly is enthralled by missed extra points. The extremely woke mind inside of me, however, interpreted it as a sly bit of league-approved PR for one of the NFL's most visible rule changes of the year.

I suppose in this case I should cut Buck some slack because, earlier in the day, Dan Carpenter brained himself with his own helmet after his fifth extra point miss of the season. Is it problematic to laugh at something that involves a hit to the head in football? Sure, but so is everything else about this sport.

It should be noted Packers kicker Mason Crosby impressively forced a fumble on a return last night and that kickers can be trusted to do non-kicker things every once in a while.

Todd Bowles Watch

At the outset of the season, it was my plan to track the decay of new Jets coach Todd Bowles as the job steadily killed him. But you know what? The Jets actually had a pretty good year, last-minute playoff disappointment notwithstanding. That's a credit to Bowles's ability. There's actually something to build on, as Herm Edwards would say. Of course, until the team finds a franchise quarterback, their ceiling isn't much higher than what transpired this season. Pardon me, that's too close to analysis; I'm just here to find amusement in anguished faces. So enjoy Todd Bowles's quietly anguished face.

Fan of the Week

— boxxa (@boxxa)January 3, 2016

The latest Buffalo dipshit to go through a table and set himself on fire has already been all over the Internet, including this here website. So while it's tempting to find another, more obscure choice, sometimes a candidate is so overwhelmingly qualified I am compelled by the duty of the office of Dumb Football to bestow the distinction on them. Besides, the way Bills fans have elevated backyard wrestling-style carnage into an art in 2015 merits some sort of collective award, and this is the closest I can offer.

Cheers, also, to the Philly fan couple with the rare effective tandem shirsey combo shitting on Chip Kelly. Celebrate Taco Tuesday with love, you crazy kids. Chip Kelly will never ruin another of your team's holiday parties.

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory

1. Alex Tanney. What's not to like about a former YouTube trick shot star finally getting his chance to play in the NFL and doing reasonably well? Tanney has signed with seven different teams since that video was posted nearly five years ago, yet Sunday was his first regular season action in the NFL. And you know what? He did pretty good, going 10-for-14 for 99 yards and a touchdown. Not, like, win-the-game good or "I want to see him compete for a starting job" good, but at least well enough that he can look back and be proud.

2. J.J. Watt. Three sacks and a forced fumble gave the NFL's most visible humble grinder ample opportunity to show off all the herky-jerky dance moves he learned from the internet. In another life, Watt is starring as a cop in a viral video doing the Nae Nae during a traffic stop.

3. Alfred Morris. Way to bookend the regular season with his two 100-yard rushing performances of the year. I'm definitely not a bitter fantasy owner who stewed about his lack of production for most of the season. This is my wholehearted congratulation for him.

4. Antonio Brown. The Steelers receiver set a new NFL record with 265 receptions over a two-year span, besting the mark of 252 set by Marvin Harrison in 2001-02. Oh, and Tony Toe Tap also posted 13 catches for 187 yards and a touchdown in the victory over the Browns, good enough to obscure his fumble early in the game.

5. Matt Stafford. You can be forgiven for not paying much attention as the Lions have been out of contention since midseason, but Stafford has actually been fairly good lately, with 19 touchdowns and two interceptions over the past eight games. He threw for three scores in Sunday's win over the Bears. Perhaps good enough of a turnaround that Cooterball might get to stick around Detroit.

Five Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame

— Andrew Ungvari (@DrewUnga)January 3, 2016

1. Ryan Fitzpatrick, who threw an interception on each of the Jets' final three drives in a season-killing loss to the Bills. That Fitzpatrick set the Jets' single-season record for touchdown passes earlier in the game only adds to the overall Jets-iness of the eventual outcome. This team is making George R.R. Martin too depressed to write, as opposed to too happy to write, or too hungry, etc.

2. Darrelle Revis. A Jets loss of that magnitude deserves double the shame. Revis Island was open for business on Sunday, as Bills receiver Sammy Watkins caught 11 of the 15 passes that were targeted to him for 136 yards. Watkins made a pivotal catch in the Bills' first victory of the season against the Jets. This time, he handled Revis from the get-go.

3. Matt Kalil. The Vikings ended up winning on Sunday night to capture the NFC North title, little thanks to their left tackle, who spent the evening making Clay Matthews look like the most dominant pass rusher to ever take the field. You very much earned being Photoshopped into a hybrid of a potato and a turnstile, sir.

4. Jeff Fisher. Presented with the chance to not finish a season with a losing record for the first time since 2009, Fisher's Rams fell to 7-9 with an overtime loss to a 49ers team that punted from the opponent's 38-yard line, in a tie game, with less than two minutes left in the fourth quarter. Ultimately, Tomsula couldn't match Fisher's steadfast refusal to win games and that's why he's out of a job while Fisher presumably still has five seasons left.

5. The Jaguars. Nothing really caps off a fifth-straight double-digit loss season like a 30-6 defeat a week after the team pledged to keep their human thumb head coach for another year.

Dumb Football Dumbfuck of the Year

No more Monday Night Football this season. That means it's time to hand out my only meaningless award of the year. Who exemplified the dimmest ideals of Dumb Football in 2015 with outright idiocy and willful stupidity?

Why, none other than Jerry Jones. Here he was yesterday entertaining WWE impresario Vince McMahon in his owner's suite. Kayfabe Vince is IRL Jerry Jones, and the ol' Double J was at his worst in 2015.

To recap:

• He brought on Greg Hardy and defended an abuser with each misstep in the well-defined "public retribution through playing football good" process. Thanks to our low bar for athletes, all Hardy had to do was feign contrition, then shut the fuck up and play football. He couldn't even do that, despite assurances to the contrary from Jones and his daughter. The consequences were nonexistent.
• His team sucked. They thought Brandon Weeden and Matt Cassel were adequate backup plans in the likely event Tony Romo might get hurt at some point.
• The Cowboys tried to destroy Romo and Dez Bryant, two of their best players, by never letting them out of the game when they were clearly playing injured.
• The team's answer to being pathetic all season was to ban cell phone use during practice hours.
• Alabama and several high school teams had more victories in Jerryworld than the Cowboys this year.
• As an NFL owner, Jerry gets his share of the blame for the NFL's myriad other problems, including but certainly not limited to the fact that no one knows what a catch is.
• Jones has already said the Cowboys will retain Jason Garrett, a pliable milquetoast who stumbles into winning every five years or so but, more important, will never challenge Jerry's authority.
• He's going to trade for Johnny Manziel. Let's just accept that impending clusterfuck now. Jerry tried to do the smart thing when Manziel was available in the draft and took an offensive lineman instead. That actually worked out pretty well, but now Jerry can have his cake and eat it, too, and you can bet that cake-eatin' sumbitch is gonna get his.