Weed is now legal in Canada.
It’s finally happened, folks. If you’re in Canada—minus Ontario or Nunavut—you can go somewhere and buy legal weed and smoke it all within the confines of the law today! Congrats all!
Adulations aside, this is a big deal and that means there is going to be a deluge of think pieces and analysis by smart, thoughtful people who will help us understand what’s happening and what’s going to happen moving forward more clearly. And we should read all of those but maybe not all right now. Getting here felt like a slog and we need a goddamn break.
So, for those of you who are sick of all the heavy heady news about legalization and what that means for businesses, communities, and those with past convictions, well, here’s a little break. Here is the dumbest stuff happening right now in Canada because of legal pot.
This guy Tim
To start I would like you all to meet Tim, a fucking brilliant dude who was the first to buy weed from a store in Halifax—his plant of choice, he tells us, is sativa. Upon his exit, a flustered reporter valiantly doing his live TV thing summons him over for a talk and it is wonderful.
There are so many highlights in this short video—the reporter reaching into Tim’s bag to grab his weed in which Tim says “oh no, he’s stealing my weed” in the flattest monotone you could imagine is a good one. But it’s his shoutout to his mom and her bag making abilities that are the real hero here.
“My moms gonna be so happy to see the bag she made for me,” he says. “Your mom made the bag you’re carrying cannabis in?” responds the reporter. “Yeah neat, eh?” Tim says.
Neat indeed, Tim, I hope the sativa was good.
In one of the dumbest journalist stories surrounding legalization, you’ll find the Gray Lady herself, The New York Times. Catherine Porter, the prestigious paper's Canadian bureau chief, tweeted out, “Canadians are calling it C-Day. On Wednesday, Canada will legalize recreational cannabis use across the country…. ”
Read that a couple times and tell me what seems off. Yeah, C-Day. What the fuck is that? (See how our own weed reporter responded to this nonsense.)
As many reporters and non-reporters alike have pointed out, no one in Canada has or ever will call today C-day and it’s an incredibly weird statement to say/make up. Nevertheless, everyone took a break in their day to dunk on the New York Times’ bad coverage of Canada.
This guy who was the first dude at an Edmonton pot store
Hell yeah buddy, represent!
Brad Wall responding to our main man Devin
Brad Wall, former premier of Saskatchewan and a giant in the conservative scene, responded to Devin Pacholik, one of our main writers in the Prairies. Pacholik asked Wall on Twitter, “are you going to blaze that good good dank sticky icky tomorrow?” Wall responded in kind.
“I won’t be blazing any icky…sticky, dank or otherwise. But thanks for thinking of me…..bud.”
Toronto Police memes
The Toronto Police really, really don’t want you to call them about the weed. So in order to make sure that doesn’t happen they made up some dank cop memes.
If you look really close you’ll see a special guest appearance from the distracted boyfriend!
The Newfoundland cops snacking advice
The kind folks at the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary gave us all a smart tip on pre-buying munchies for a big smoke sesh. The hashtags they used were #DontDriveHigh #Chips #Munchies #Cookies.
Follow the cops advice kids, you don’t want to end up at a 7/11 stoned out of your gorge with all the other high zombies out for taquitos.
Congrats on being the first with weed Newfoundland and Labrador!
Earnest Joint instructions:
One of the more fun aspects of legalization has been watching the stuffier institutions in Canada grapple with how to speak about it. That’s why it was such a joy when the Globe and Mail earnestly published a guide for how their readers can roll a joint. It reads almost like an awkward father teaching his son about sex and not wanting to overdo it.
This includes things like “Step 3: add the cannabis” and “Step 4: roll up the paper and lick glue to seal it.” Cute!
They’re not the only one. The provincial government in New Brunswick has a entire section on their cannabis site full of detailed instructions informing their citizens on how to roll a tight one. To detail rolling they say:
“Form the shape between your fingers. Pinch between your fingertips and slowly roll it back and forth to pack the Cannabis into the roll. This is the make or break part – and it takes patience!”
This list will be added to as the day goes on so please send me the dumb/funny/stupid shit happening because the sticky-icky is now legal in Canada.
Happy C-Day everyone!!!!!
Sign up for the VICE Canada Newsletter to get the best of VICE Canada delivered to your inbox.
Follow Mack Lamoureux on Twitter.