Where to Start
The Basics of Consent and Communication
Making mistakes with your partner is a healthy part of learning about yourself sexually, but not all mistakes are created equal. There’s a huge difference in having bad sex because you did not like something you tried (or your partner ended up being clumsy), and the kind of bad sex that leaves you feeling uncomfortable and regretful of what you’ve done because you struggled to articulate your desires. There’s also a big difference between both of those and being coerced or being taken advantage of when you’re in a vulnerable position.“There have been times where my friends have woken up like, ‘Oh my god, where am I?'” Talukder told me. “Almost all of my friends have had bad experiences. I didn’t realize how common it was until I came to college—people not listening, or whatever it is. No one really talks about it.”This is especially true of women in heterosexual hookups, who struggle to have certain sexual acts reciprocated and who orgasm less than men in hookups. “I still hear from girls that while they may have an orgasm, it's not an expectation the way it generally is for guys,” Peggy Orenstein, author of the bestseller Girls and Sex, wrote me in an email. “Not in a hookup.” Unsurprisingly, women experience post-hookup regret at higher rates than men. And more than 20 percent of college women said they’ve experienced unwanted sexual contact.
Much of this inequality stems from toxic masculinity and misogyny. Men are socialized to view women as sexual prizes and lack communication skills and emotional resilience because our culture casts these traits as “unmanly.” In these gender roles, women are gatekeepers, cast as either prudes or sluts depending on their decision to hook up. Women are also viewed as objects and told they have to learn how to appease men lest they become victims of sexual misconduct or even violence. This dynamic is especially dangerous for women, but it isn’t good for anyone.Solving the systemic problems that create toxic hookup culture is far beyond the scope of this article. But a frank discussion of hookup culture necessarily involves acknowledging it so that it can be navigated. Empower yourself to treat your partners with respect—break the cycle of ghosting or shaming. Be vigilant about recognizing behaviors within hookup culture that are unacceptable and do your best to intervene. And (though it should not be your problem) take precautions to be safe when going out.Making mistakes with your partner is a healthy part of learning about yourself sexually, but not all mistakes are created equal.
Alcohol and Parties
"It’s scarier and more vulnerable to be sober and with it. That means yeah you might say something awkward—you might say ‘dock’ when you’re trying to say ‘dick’ or ‘cock’ and you can’t choose. That is OK."
Hookups Are Better When You Ask Questions
- I’d love to kiss you. Are you OK with that?
- Can I go down on you?
- Is it OK if I finger you?
- How do you feel?
- What would you like to do?
- Do you want to have sex?
- Are you ready for this?
- Is this OK?
Abuses of power can happen even with well-meaning partners. The Journal of Interpersonal Violence published a study in 2017 that examined a group of 145 heterosexual men, 92 percent of whom were white, and found that they tended to conflate sexual desire with consent and had difficulty accurately gauging nonverbal cues. This study tested respondents for levels of empathy, hostile sexism, and hypermasculinity, and found that even progressive, feminist men could still be guilty of this behavior. Dear men: Ask questions, and listen to the answers."I think one of the big lies out there is that communication is something for people in relationships."
Look Out for Each Other
Lehigh University’s Student Affairs group breaks it into five steps: “Notice the event, interpret it as a problem, assume personal responsibility, know how to help, and implement the help.” For example, you see a couple making out, but you notice one of them is cornered. They look uncomfortable. You notice the person blocking the pathway is an upperclassman and their partner is younger. You duck in and pretend to be the younger person’s friend, asking, “Are you OK?” If they confidently say they’re fine or tell you to fuck off, you leave them to it—no harm, no foul. If they say it uncomfortably you can ask again, offering to make up an excuse like you found their phone or pretend to be drunk and get in the way. If they say explicitly say they aren’t comfortable, go ahead and create that distraction.It can end there or you can take more responsibility by helping them find their friends or walking them home if it’s safe. This works especially well on college campuses, because there is an existing in-group. “To be able to do that for other people is important to how we grow the culture,” Talukder told me. When I was a student, I used bystander intervention in a number of scenarios, from bailing a freshman in my dorm out of an unwanted keg stand to keeping an acquaintance's little brother from being grinded on.College hookup culture is pervasive, and in many ways, incredibly toxic. It’s what we’ve got to work with—but it doesn’t have to be. Every person who learns how to navigate it healthily brings campuses a step closer to what a great sexual climate looks like. Being asked to dance rather than getting a mystery boner pressed against your back in a dark club. Getting to someone’s bedroom without alcohol, because you asked what they wanted to do that night. Knowing you’re on the same page about what you want, because you talked about it. Feeling comfortable to speak your mind while you’re hooking up with someone, including mentioning silly things like “your arm falling asleep,” as Fancy Feast told me.“During the CCE workshop, we talk about what an ideal sexual campus climate would look like,” Talukder said. The incoming freshman say that there should be more sober sex, that people should approach each other and ask directly about what they want. That world can exist—we just have to create it.Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.Follow Nicole Clark on Twitter.College hookup culture is pervasive, and in many ways, incredibly toxic. It’s what we’ve got to work with—but it doesn’t have to be.