Has anyone ever cornered you at a party and droned on about chaos theory? The concept that says how small things can create a chain of events that eventually lead to something huge? How something as catastrophic as an earthquake can be indirectly caused by a butterfly flapping its wings a few days prior? Yes, well, today I'm going to be speaking to you about that, but instead of a butterfly we have Noel Edmunds, and instead of an earthquake we have Beyonce's Worst Hit. So let's get to it.
Do you remember how there was a three-year gap between Beyoncé and Lemonade? How during that time, between those two albums, Beyoncé was so silent that people began to genuinely suspect that she had just stopped entirely? Well, she didn't completely disappear during that era, did she?
No. Because in 2015, out of nowhere, she released this:
I know what you're thinking: a) I don't remember this, b) who the fuck is Arrow Benjamin, and c) what has this got to do with Noel Edmonds? We'll get to that in a minute.
I am unsure why Beyoncé – a flawless humanoid so advanced that she
generally makes no errors in judgement – decided to do this collaboration with Naughty Boy, a producer who is most famous for inventing Sam Smith and having beef with Zayn Malik. The track sounds like something Texas might release today if they were attempting to "appeal to the younger generation". Even Beyoncé herself sounds bored and confused, as if someone has shaken her awake at 6AM, told her to ad-lib the first thing that comes into her head and stuck the first take on the track. The video looks like one of those abstract yet inoffensive bank adverts you only realise are for a bank right at the end when they fade in the logo. The lyrics are just a string of words which have been mushed together in the vague hope they might sound empowering because they use "running" and "chasing" as a metaphor. Look, you can read them all here. What is she going on about? Why did she do this?
Now, I can't really answer the question of why Beyoncé chose to do this – only she knows that, along with the secrets of the illuminati. What I can point to, however, is why Naughty Boy exists as a musical entity with a degree of success in the first place. Because apparently, according to what he told Kiss FM earlier this week, he would be nowhere without little shiny orange man and popular TV presenter Noel Edmonds:
According to the producer – whose real name is Shahid Khan – he took part on Edmond's game show Deal Or No Deal ten years ago, and walked away with a fat check for £44,000. "Deal Or No Deal was important to me," he said, sincerely. "I got £44,000 out of it. I made use of the money, I built a studio and gave some to my mum and dad.'"
He then went on to offer his thanks to Noel. "I went on there in 2007, I had £10 in my bank account, and I won. Thank you Noel."
In other words, because we live in a capitalist society whereby real wealth can only be accumulated by the very wealthy, Naughty Boy would not have been able to build a career if it weren't for the generosity of Noel Edmonds. And, if Naughty Boy had never built said career, then Beyoncé's Worst Hit would never have existed in the first place. Earthquake = "Runnin'', Butterfly = Noel Edmonds. See? In the unforgettable words of that absolutely terrifying hell fox from Lars Von Trier's Antichrist: "Chaos reigns."
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