Tinder-Style App Now Ensures Dairy Cows Are Having More Sex Than You

If only online dating was this wholesome for humans.
February 13, 2019, 6:43pm
cow tinder 3
Photo: PATRIK STOLLARZ/AFP/Getty Images / Composite by MUNCHIES Staff

Is everyone in agreement that Tinder kind of blows? We can say that, yeah? Because it seems to be populated entirely by self-described ‘nice guys’ who feel slighted if you aren’t immediately impressed by their college lacrosse pics, or by the fact that they put the word ‘please’ after the word ‘nudes.’

Tudder, though, is still unspoiled and pure. The newly launched dating app already hosts several thousand honest profiles, is promoted with wholesome dad jokes, and doesn’t include a single photo of anyone wearing a fedora or holding a fish. Unfortunately, it’s for cows.

“Tudder is a new swipe-led matchmaking app, helping farm animals across the UK find breeding partners in the quest for moo love,” its description reads. “The app, designed by SellMyLivestock, seeks to unite sheepish farm animals with their soulmates, featuring data profiles of farm animals from 42,000 farms across the UK.”

Yes, farmers can swipe left or right while they select the perfect hookup for their Hereford or Shorthorn, and every right swipe sends the human matchmaker to a livestock-buying website, where they can contact the other farmer to discuss logistics and negotiate a price. The app was designed by Hectare Agritech, which says its mission is to “make farmers lives easier.” (In addition to Tudder and SellMyLivestock, Hectare also runs grain-trading site Graindex, and FarmPay, which is basically PayPal for the corn and cattle set.)

One Welsh farmer said that apps like Tudder and SellMyLivestock have made his own life measurably easier. “Going to market is a nuisance,” Marcus Lampard told Bloomberg. “If I go to an open market with a bull, and then maybe bring it back, it shuts everything down on the farm for at least two weeks.’’

This isn’t the first online platform for ensuring that beef and dairy cattle can find sexual partners. In 2014, a group of French cow breeding associations launched trouverlebontaureau.com, which translates to “Find the Right Bull.” More than 300 eligible bulls are featured on the site, where interested farmers can select the right sperm donor for their heifers. (Due to France’s dwindling number of cattle farms, the Right Bull’s semen will be collected and shipped to the online matchmaker, who then has the unenviable task of artificially inseminating a 1,000-pound animal).

Back in the UK, Hectare’s CEO has high hopes for the future. “Matching breeding livestock online should be even easier than matching people,” Doug Bairner told Bloomberg. “Sheep breeding is similarly data driven so maybe ‘ewe-Harmony’ should be next.”

OK, yeah, we’re done with Tudder, too.