They said it couldn't be done. The Panama Papers set the bar so high. "An aesthetic triumph," they said. "Nobody will shame the rich quite like them," they yelped, applauding the Guardian homepage. Well, guess what? They did. The Paradise Papers have swept away the fusty, overlong original in favour of a tropical data drop with an all-star cast.
In the new sequel, it's not just boring old David Cameron's dad who's involved. There are some juicy celebrities, some major corporations and even everybody's favourite foul-mouthed Irish matriarch. If the Panama Papers were a Studio Ghibli film, then welcome to the Dreamworks remake (starring Justin Timberlake and Shakira).
You can, of course, read some of our serious actual analysis of this huge thing that has happened, but to be honest, who needs that? What you really need is an introduction to the unlikely bunch of friends who have been named in this high-profile leak. Better still, what you really need is to know which of the tax evaders is your spirit animal – right?
We built this guide so you can work out who of the headline tax evaders is who in your friendship group. Shotgun Wilbur Ross!
The One in Charge
You are: The Queen
You run this town, baby! All your friends look up to you and do whatever you say – or at least they make it look that way, to keep you happy! Whatevs, so you reportedly moved around £10 million from your private fund into funds in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda between 2004 and 2005. You're not used to being told what to do, and you absolutely won't be saying sorry for shifting a few pennies about – whatever that beardy communist from Islington thinks. Anyways, you own these islands, bitches. It isn't offshore if it's in your Empire! Yaaaaaassssss!
The One Who Suddenly Loves Lithuanian Shopping Centres
You Are: Bono
You like to talk the talk, some might say you're a bit of a virtue signaller – remember those Make Poverty History wristbands you got us all wearing a few years back? Cringe alert! Since then, you've calmed down a lot and have put aside trying to save the world in favour of investing in a Lithuanian shopping centre. Now you're no longer preaching about inequality, you're a lot more fun down the pub, and since meeting the nice men from that Malta-based company you've finally got enough money to buy us a round! The Guinnesses are on you, lad!
The One Who Is Probably Going to Miss Out on BBC Sports Personality of the Year Now This Is Out
You are: Lewis Hamilton
Everybody knows that one guy who's always uploading pictures of Bimmers he's seen in Kensington to the group chat. That one friend who got his ear pierced in year 9 and has been wearing a single diamond stud ever since. That one mate who spends Saturday night ordering bottles of Grey Goose to his table and updating his Instagram story. That classic dude who, despite being one of the most successful racing drivers of all time, despite having ruled the sport for the best part of a decade, is weirdly absolutely loathed by everyone in the country. That little legend who has somehow been renting his own £16.5 million jet from himself. You know, that guy… that's you.
The Leathery-Skinned Goblin Tycoon One
You are: Wilbur Ross
Some say you have a head like a nectarine that some poor kids carved a face into because they couldn't afford a pumpkin, but you were never one for listening to the haters. Besides, you're too busy making sweet rubles with Vladimir Putin's son-in-law – highlighting further connections between the Trump administration and Russian money. You're all about making America great again, as long as you can make the Cayman Islands even greater!
The One Who Always Needs the Toilet
You are: Lord Ashcroft
You're a troublemaker at the best of times, and have no problem telling a few porkies if you think it will get you some attention. Parliamentary authorities did their best to make members of the House of Lords pay taxes on everything they earn, but the Paradise Papers reveal you wiggled your way out of it. You are a nom-dom not to be messed with, but friends often feel let down when you disappear to the toilet for extended stretches of time. You might be good for a few laughs about shagging pigs, but you're definitely not one to rely on when the going gets tough. You look like a decaying Alan Partridge and you probably read a lot of novels about submarines.
The One Everybody Wants to Stop Hanging Out With – Because He's Scaring Me Kate, Like, Have You Smelt Him? It's Disgusting, Please Ask Him to Leave – But Is Still Here for Some Reason, Making Headlines by Doing and Saying Horrible Things
You are: Steve Bannon
Horrible old ethno-nationalist Steve is one thing, but horrible old ethno-nationalist making use of offshore funds Steve? Hellfire! Yes, it turns out Robert Mercer, who largely funds Breitbart, does so with money that is not taxed in the US. I'm starting to have second thoughts about these guys!
The Trendy One
You are: Nike
You always turn up in a fresh pair of creps and are never without a swish – or should I say, swoosh? – hoody. You are very sporty, you like to work out, but let's be honest – it's mostly so you can upload grams of that cray-cray beach bod. And who can blame you? With all the money you've been pumping through Bermuda over the past ten years, you need to be pool-ready at all times. Plus, if you weren't hitting the treadmill every day, how else would you stay one step ahead of international tax law as well as you have? Jheeeeeze.
The One with a Questionable History of Labour Practices
You're always on hand with a helpful software update: "Hey ho," you love to say, "cannot take photo, there is not enough available storage!" You love the colour white, breakable glass, the music of Coldplay and shitty cables that fray and break if you wiggle them more than four times when pulling them out of the wall. Best of all, you also love to invest profits offshore, and heck we don't blame you. Find my iPhone? It's in Ireland… oh, no it's in Jersey… oi, slow down you!
The One Nobody Is Really Talking About Because They Are Just Some Canadian Dude and Liberal Twitter Hates the Thought of Justin Trudeau Being Involved in Something Dodgy
You are: Stephen Bronfman
We all know a Stephen Bronfman.
The Joker in the Pack
Circled in red, from left to right: Fiona Delaney, Patrick Houlihan and Martin Delaney. None of the other actors pictured have been implicated in any tax avoidance schemes. Photo: BBC
You are: The three cast-members of Mrs Brown's Boys implicated in tax evasion schemes
Can you feckin' believe it? You've been caught having your wages transferred to Mauritius and then paid back to you in loans! Looks like the luck of the Irish has finally run out ya eejit! That said, we won't be able to stay mad at you for long – you're just too goddamn funny. Keep those jokes about bras catching on fire and slapping people round the head with dishcloths and the word fanny coming, and I'm sure we'll forgive you.
The Yellow Exploding Sack of Gunk One
You are: Harvey Weinstein
We've all got that one friend who is apparently some sort of primeval being. Just a gloopy, heaving ball of mushed up Mattessons Fridge Raiders with a wig and a New York accent. Just a fetid, sweating slab of badness. Yes, we've all got that one friend who at this stage you can barely bring yourself to think about, because even a second contemplating the inside of their head is like jumping off a bridge into a lake of toxic brine. That friend who, after all the awfulness, you discover is also wrapped up in offshore investments. You know, that friend?
The One Sam Allardyce Is Probably Going to Have to Sort Out
Photo: Martin Rickett/PA Wire/PA Images
You are: Everton FC
Gulp, so people are asking questions as to whether or not your football club has broken Premier League rules over ownership. Your owner, Farhad Moshiri, has insisted his stake was bought with his own money after links were made between him and Arsenal investor Alisher Usmanov. Time to stick all your invoices in a cardboard box and lug it round to Big Sam's no doubt spacious Bolton home. Won't be pretty, but he'll get the job done.