Don’t Listen to TikTok: An Expert Explains Gaslighting

Gaslighting, the 2022 Miriam-Webster word of the year, is a term that grew in online searches nearly 2000% last year. You've probably heard everyone from your 11-year-old brother to your grandma use it, despite the fact most of us didn’t even know the word existed until the late 2010s. 

It’s a word as familiar as it is misunderstood. It takes its name from the 1944 film Gaslight, itself based on a play, that see’s a man slowly manipulating his young wife into believing she is insane. The black-and-white psychological thriller depicts her descent into insanity, including his assurance that she is imagining the gas lights in their home flickering — but she isn’t imagining it, and he knows that. 

But insanity no longer seems to be the social requirement to claim you’re being gaslit. 

And for that, TikTok has a raw, red target on its back. 

The frequent and ill-advised repetition of the phrase on TikTok, has many people – already in poor relationships – believing they’re victims of something much more extreme and potentially dangerous. 

If you’re in any way online you’ve probably seen at least one video where someone without legitimate qualifications in psychology and mental health explains gaslighting. It feels like every second user has taken it upon themselves to share their personal experiences and insights. 

But the misuse of the term has also led to an epidemic of self-diagnosis in professional fields — and it feels like now is a good time to be reminded that your relationship issues can still be taken seriously without the need to attach your experience to a buzzword.

We spoke to Jo Robertson, a qualified therapist and betrayal trauma specialist, to get to the bottom of the gaslighting zeitgeist. 

VICE: Are you able to explain gaslighting, how it’s traditionally understood in your world?

Jo Robertson: I tend to explain it as “crazy-making”. Gaslighting is somebody else, manipulating you to make you feel like you're going crazy. 

So it's not somebody that annoys you. It's not somebody that you find frustrating or makes you angry or that you have a different opinion from — It’s somebody who makes you feel like you're going crazy.

For example, they say something to you one day, and then the next week, they say, “I never said that.” They minimise your feelings, say you are “dramatic” all the time, and say one thing while doing the opposite.

Right.

Where I observe it the most as in infidelity. Usually by lying, minimising, avoiding, deflecting, stuff like that. So they cheat on you, for example, and you’re really upset and you cry a lot, and they tell you “you’re being too dramatic.”

It's the feeling of “something is wrong with me”. And people often struggle to even attach it to the person who’s gaslighting them, because they often think the person in question is really rational and logical — so they think “Okay, I'm the crazy one.” 

Do you think the definition is overused?

I do, a lot. It's a phrase that you shouldn’t throw around unless you've had a professional speak to it.  

It’s kind of like how we use “narcissism”. Everybody at the moment loves to talk about narcissism. And I'm reluctant even myself, as I’m not a specialist in personality disorders, to say, “yes, that person is likely narcissistic."

I think we can highlight that a person has some problematic traits that look like X,Y,Z. But what is currently happening is everybody leaps to the labels, and I would be reluctant to do that myself  – across all the labels, actually. 

Do you think the definition has been distorted, as it's become a more popular term recently?

It's the same as when people used to say, “oh, they were being a bit bipolar.”

Let’s just stop pathologising people's behaviour and diagnosing them when we're not an expert in that. 

So, how would you identify real gaslighting?

Well, I would only identify it in clients when I'm their therapist – And if I was talking amongst friends, not as their therapist, I might say “that could be considered gaslighting” but not “they’re definitely gaslighting you”. 

It's a privileged position, but if at all possible, if you feel like your relationship is making you go a bit crazy, or you feel like you're starting to doubt your own mind, then then go see a therapist. It will give you the validation or insight that you need.

And it can be a scary thing to do, because there might also be things that you're doing that are problematic or unhealthy. But it's better to know, so that in the future you can go into a really loving, thriving, beautiful relationship. 

Although therapy is the recommended route it’s not as accessible to all people as it should be. Love Better has provided the below resources for anyone needing to help or someone to talk to about their relationship struggles.  

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.