We don’t like to play favorites, but here we are, tattooing “Lovehoney” on our foreheads, fernet in-hand, because [turns on bullhorn]: Lovehoney announced a special discount for essential workers on its treasure trove of sex toys, from May 12–23. Meaning that: “Nurses, teachers, all medical staff, military, firefighters, EMTs and more [get] a 40% off discount” on penis strokers, erogenous vibes, water-based lubes, and orgasmic items that should’ve been in the non-existent goody bag of our stimmy checks.
How do you get ‘em? There’s a special, shag carpet-lined portal for essential workers here.
Congratulations, again. Pleasing your pubes is the least we plebs can do. You’re probably reading this whilst doing something, well, essential, so here are a few of the deals you can look forward to...
Stroke it out
This is like the equivalent of having one of those bodega grabbing sticks, but for your peen. The handle has extra grip so you don’t spin out when the lube, etc., starts raining, and the “angled loop fits a wide range of penis sizes.” It’s battery-free (better for Mama Earth) and its 12 speeds and eight patterns means you’ll always find new horny rhythms.
Desire Rechargeable Male Vibrator, $99.99 without discount, $59.99 for essential workers at Lovehoney
The best (extra quiet) vibrator for beginners
If you’re new here [tips domino maze of dildos], an erogenous vibrator is one of the best beginner vibrators. "Erogenous" just means “all over” pleasure, and when applied to palm vibrators like this luxury boi, you bet your sweet teat you can look forward to, say, targeted (but not painful) clitoral stimulation (making it a great toy for using on a partner), or as a vibrator for those who don’t want penetration. It’s “pebble” shaped, which is automatically horny because it makes us feel like a log goblin, and has been voted “The World's Best Vibrator” by Good Housekeeping and “Number 1 Quiet Vibrator” by Women's Health.
Desire Luxury Rechargeable Clitoral Vibrator, $89.99 (without discount) at Lovehoney
Slip ‘n slide anywhere
There’s a lot of snake oil and just straight-up baaad lube on the market, my friend. But water-based lubes like this one? Well. 'Tis a classic, but always as refreshing as that fine summer rosé when it comes into our shopping carts. This version is travel-sized, because who knows where that vaccinated cutie you’re talking to on Tinder lives? It’s compatible with latex, polyurethane condoms, and good vibes.
Lovehoney Enjoy Water-Based Lubricant, $18.99 at Lovehoney
This is but an end-of-chips-bag sprinkle of all the horny deals that await. We appreciate everything you do—so Lovehoney wants to make you feel good when you do it. Head over there for the full lineup of toys.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. VICE may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.