Composite by VICE Staff
Remember how your girlfriend cried when you forgot it was your three month anniversary? Well, the same goes for online shopping in preparation for Valentine’s Day 2023, which means you should order those salted caramels and blown-glass dildos sooner, rather than later, to make sure your sweetheart—be it your lover, BFF, or the tortured sea captain ghost in your pantry—is not disappointed this year. You also need to make sure that you don’t end up spending an unnecessary amount of your hard-earned money on a gift that overcompensates for the fact that you forgot (again). Sheesh!While we’re rooting for you everyday, we’re going especially hard to find you Valentine’s Day gifts under $50 this year. This year has already been a doozy, and we are unabashedly jazzed to throw some Dolly Parton on the record player, pop a bottle of Whispering Angel, and raise a glass to love—without breaking the bank. That’s why we’ve rolled up our velvet sleeves to bring you affordable gifts that feel unique, will actually arrive in time, and will sweep your buddy/beloved/frenemy off their feet. Whether you’d like hand-poured erotic massage candles, Japanese Kit Kat samplers, red velvet cheesecake balls, or something else entirely, here are the best Valentine’s Day presents under $50 that will kick your lover’s butt (in a hot way). It’s a cliche for a reason, folks: You literally can’t go wrong with chocolates in a heart-shaped box. “THANK GOD, it’s a Knipschildt!,” they’ll moan before popping one of these babies, courtesy of your mutual, undying affection for the European chocolatier Fritz Knipschildt. From orange creamsicle to [takes a deep breath] strawberry basil with chocolate ganache, this is a smorg’ of the unordinary with thoughtful heart-shaped truffles thrown in.Nothing says “I love you, babe” like a coffee table that also gives house guests a wandering eye. What better way to celebrate V-Day, leather chaps, and gay sex than Dian Hanson’s “The Little Big Penis Book"? We get it, it’s been a mentally taxing couple of years. This Valentine’s Day, let someone else curate your gift spread for you with a gift basket for every kind of Valentine, from the nut-lover to that hot girl who’s obsessed with sloths. The folks at 1-800 Baskets have seen it all, and know what they’re doing. Maybe your mans isn’t that keen on cologne, in which case Carolina Herrera has crafted the perfect deodorant-fragrance combo. It includes notes of black and white pepper, blended with Italian green bergamot, cedarwood, and sage—and best of all, it's called Bad Boy.Massage candles kind of put in the work for you when it comes to spicing things up in le bedroom. They start off innocently enough as a massage aid, but can easily be used for kinky wax and temperature play. Maude’s massage candles are all hand-poured and made of skin-softening jojoba oil, and come in a range of fragrances that includes a clean, unscented candle; one with warming notes of amber, cedar leaf, and lemongrass; and another that smells “like a weekend morning with warm sun and soft sheets.” Hot. Who says you can’t go to Spain this V-Day? Present your love with a paella pan to signify the power and spice of your love, and guzzle down an entire family of mussels for posterity. “Made me an official daddy,” declares one reviewer. Would a serif font lie? Never. You’re making… waffles? [Slides off chair.] A heart-shaped waffle maker is more than just a romantic appliance—it’s a symbol of commitment. It’s something that says, “I love you, and I want to make waffles for you each morning, forever.” (Added bonus: You get to eat waffles.)Look, a dinner at a nice restaurant is cute and all, but you know what’s truly romantic? Loafing on the couch for 36 hours and watching six different Ken Burns documentaries, all while swaddled in this comfortable, wearable blanket. Perfect for recreating your own at-home Eyes Wide Shut moment this V-Day. Just add a hooded velvet cape, and Tom Cruise’s elevator shoes. New York City’s Milk Bar is famous for coming up with treats that have a nostalgic twist, often from the cereal aisle, and their special red velvet cheesecake truffles hit the perfect note for a more lowkey V-Day picnic. The one deep-tissue back and neck massager to rule them all. This portable shiatsu machine has a 4.4-star rating on Amazon and over 50,000 reviews praising its almost magical ability to work out your kinks. “Love is not a strong enough word,” writes one reviewer, “WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT!?! I use it for my entire body- feet, calves, thighs, lower back, upper back, neck. My husband is actually jealous of this thing (I've named him Tyrone). Bottom line, YOU NEED THIS!!!!” Yes, yes we do. Umamicart curates an incredible selection of Asian groceries and snacks, and they’ve assembled some *chef’s kiss* themed gift boxes just in time for Valentine’s Day. But if your budget is under $50, their Japanese KitKat sampler is a total delight, with flavors including strawberry milk, matcha, and more. These heatable, aromatherapeutic slippers are the closest they’ll come to wrapping their feet in a lavender field. “I can't wait to come home and dive into my favorite slippers,” writes one Amazon reviewer of these microwaveable slippers, while another says they’re “excellent for arthritis or just daily muscle pain.” Bonus points for looking like something from a 2000s music video. We’ve known that plants have feelings ever since we read about their secret lives, and we’ve seen enough Planet Earth time lapses to know that their leaves groove around, too. But did you know there’s a plant that will actually flap and close up its little leaves the moment you give it a tickle? Its Latin name is Mimosa Pudica, but it’s commonly known as the Sensitive Plant, or in this case of this clever marketing, the “Tickle Me Plant.” According to one of our editors it can be a little ~temperamental~ and needs a lot of attention, but isn’t that the point? Even the most discerning of plant parents will make this their new favorite child. We wish this linen, aromatherapy eye pillow by BODHA was a couch—it’s just that relaxing and comfortable. For now, it will just have to be a couch for our eyes/Bratz Dolls.Are you dying for her to re-create your fav dish from Olive Garden? She’ll get the hint with this basil-infused olive oil that will blow your Italian chain cravings out of the park.Curate a playlist chock full of cringe love anthems, but only if you gift them these retro AF headphones to listen with.Gold star for you, our funny Valentine.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.
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Tried and true
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A penis boook
You’re really running out of ideas
Spray your bad boy
A candle you can also use for an X-rated massage
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Nothing is hotter than paella
They are daddy
Heart-shaped waffle maker
A comfy, wearable blanket
They are your shiny golden god
Say ILY with cake
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The gift of a daily shiatsu massage
A bouquet of Japanese Kit Kats
Because you don't have to be a "foot guy" to know that feet deserve pampering
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For the plant-obsessed lover
Lights out
They’ll cook for you if you remain a good boy
Woo them with a playlist
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.