Winter has cometh, which means that more often that not we end up staying in with a glass of Carlo Rossi every night, burrito’d in Ye Olde Costco Robe. You know the kind: It’s 30% polyester, probably 150% cellulose or xanthan gum, and likely pulled from a pile right by the chicken nugget samples in 2014 (alas, the simpler days of pre-COVID-19 grocery store grazing). All of this is perfectly chill, but it’s not super aligned with our 2022 goals of mastering a higher level of Cozy Winter Daddi.
We want to waft our midnight blue, jacquard sleeves from one end of the railroad apartment to the other. We want a striped terry cloth robe that makes us feel like the mustached director of a smutty art-house film, circa 1978, about to destroy our lungs with some Lucky Strikes. While the price tags on some of these babies may be higher than that of a single button-up or pair of pants, remember that one swanky dressing robe will do the work of both garments, with thrice the drama (and you can bet we still found you some of the best deals deals deals on these puppies). The following bathrobes and robes for lounging offer a smorgasbord of vintage personalities for your do dip in and out of as we hole up this winter, from 1980s-cabin-timeshare-dad, to wistfully-staring-out-of-my-SoHo-loft and beyond.
The robe for your Malibu dream house
Wondering how to embrace your inner bimbo? Dig out the 2000s Juicy Couture tracksuit, throw down for a Barbie-worthy house overlooking the beach, and snuggle up to this silky robe with faux fur embellishments.
If you watch sus History Channel docs
Herringbone is as iconic as ye olde chevron (before the latter was beaten to death by Pinterest), and has been a go-to since Ancient Roman and Egyptian times for its lasting, straightforward graphic appeal. This robe showcases that frank design sense on a thick and cozy layer of fleece, so that you can gain back a little more dignity during your cringe-YouTube-doc binge.
A star is born
If you had a Scarface poster in your first apartment (or ~knew~ someone who did) this gown is already in your cart. It’s amazing what some geometric jacquard can do to a simple black robe; we went from the sex appeal of the Relax the Back store and shot it all way up to 1979 adult entertainment mogul.
Mentally, you’re in the Pacific Northwest
Or somewhere among the pines. Carhartt doesn’t make a bathrobe (although they do make a “Chore Coat” for your dog, so they’ve clearly got time), which means this plaid flannel robe is the next best thing. It’s made of cotton and won’t sweat you out as much as fleece (a plus or minus depending on how cold-blooded you are). And whether you're reptilian or otherwise, you’ll appreciate the true ankle-grazing length for keeping out drafts and other unwanted business.
The morning after at Willy Wonka’s factory
You crack your eyes to the vision of a gumdrop valley after a night of sweet, sweet lovemaking, while that special someone in a top hat makes you a cup of hot cocoa from a chocolate river that a brat fell into. Sick.
For that friend who smells like sandalwood
They pay more than $8 for their herbal tea. They guessed your cat’s moon sign by week four of quarantine, but couldn’t stomach finishing Tiger King. Of course their robe of choice is a certified GOTS (“Global Organic Textile Standard”) cotton gown, whose jolly leopards were sustainably screen-printed by hand as a partnership with artisans in India. The size range is also awesome, going up to 4XL.
You’re into Japandi design
Naturally, you could use a robe that will look sharp next to your Noguchi lamp and all the other Japandi (Japan + Scandinavian mid-century) pieces. The cloud cotton robe by Parachute—one of our all times favorite bedding and sleepwear brands—is breathable, light, and has a lovely texture.
Sees *one* Op-Art exhibit
For a robe that says, “Why yes, I do have ostracizing opinions on MoMA’s redesign.” The Finnish house of Marimekko was so instrumental to shaping the new wave of vibey 1960s homewares, whether it was through their signature Unikko poppy graphic, or blobs and circles that still feel more cooly sentient than us.
A mid-century modern robe
Are you a pool boy from a Wes Anderson movie? A time traveller from the Carter-era suburbs of America? Pick your fighter, then pair this terry cloth robe with a tumbler of your favorite late-night sippy sip.
The one to wear in a Nespresso ad
It’s morning on the Amalfi Coast. You slither out of your canopy bed, stand pensively by the window, and let the sea air shed the dead skin from your life. All the while, your body is enveloped by a fluffy, midnight blue gown made of velour, a material that is always shorthand for “I’m rich” to the tourists sunbathing below. We love this commercial, and we want to star in it.
They’ll never know you’re in there. How could they know? This plush cow-inspired robe is ideal for the Midwestern family member who needs a gift this season, or anyone looking to get in a cozier mooood.
A robe for cosplaying as a couch
British heritage brand Liberty makes prints that don’t just cover, but carpet the body in designs of shoulder-to-shoulder florals that are busy enough to make Oscar Wilde die twice. This cotton dressing gown is printed with their “iconic Thorpe design,” which was initially created in 1968 and modeled after one of their earlier 1930s floral prints. It also has camouflaged patch pockets on the chest and hips, for hoarding all of your very small biscuits.
This hooded terry cloth robe is so 70s, we can practically feel the wood-grain linoleum beneath our feet. Luxury Italian house Missoni did well by its signature stripe work here, paying homage to the era from whence it came with a muddied-rainbow color scheme. Truly inspired.
The Baroque bath gown
Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, that means you're still waiting to find the robe that screams "[aspirational version of] you," and all that talk of Laffy Taffy hasn’t yet seduced one into your cart. You are truly unhinged, and deserving of a bathrobe that has been tread-marked by the wheels of Baroque angels. Of course it’s made in Italy. Of course it’s half the cost of our monthly rent, but we can at least stare, and maybe, someday, we’ll need it when we commission a velvet self-portrait on our deathbed.
Enjoy the good life.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.