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DEAR VICE - MY ANNOYING FLATMATE

Dear Vice,
Imagine all the people that you find annoying (if you're like me that is probably a lot of people and a lot of annoyance). I bet if you were to combine every little thing that annoys you about everyone you know or have ever met into a dense mass of hate, it would still annoy me less than my flatmate. To begin to prove this point I shall list below a mere handful of the reasons that make him the most annoying person I have ever known…

Coke parties
He enjoys inviting around his gay friends to our tiny apartment for gak parties. I often have to queue for my own bathroom so that pairs of his "friends" (they don't tend to come round more than once) can rack up lines, have deep and meaningful chats pre- and post-line, then take massive smelly shits (in pairs also). Why people feel the need at someone's house to go to the toilet to do coke, like they would in a club, is beyond me. It's not as if the imaginary house bouncer is going to grab hold of them and ask them to leave.

Underwear exposing
When drunk he likes to display himself. He will drop his jeans and stand there displaying a pair of those neon American Apparel Y-fronts. He will do this regardless of where he is or who is there. He then will start crying and usually end up in a fist fight with someone. He has the underpants in every colour (which is another excuse to hate him in itself) and will just stand there uselessly kind of muttering to himself and gazing into space. Taste in music
He has the most predictably bad art student taste in music. When he discovered Klaxons he played the album over and over and over and over again, as if his ears were going out of fashion. He seems to own about four albums in total and plays them on repeat pretty much every night. I think his faves are Trash Fashion, CSS, SHITDISCO and The Kills (WTF?). Awesome!

PATTY LEE