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Vice Blog

VANCOUVER - I CAN'T STAND YOU AND YOUR LIFE

My best friend who lives in a swanky apartment offered to let me stay there while he was in LA. It's a nice place and it's close to the beach, but he failed to mention anything about his Trust-Fund-Girls-Gone-Wild-Always-on-Spring-Break-Time neighbor. I discovered her the first day I moved in, when she slammed the door. Oh, I thought. An earthquake. Then I heard stomping and more door slamming. Oh, never mind. It's a person-earthquake. Maybe she's having a bad day.

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Turned out she had a lot of bad days. I heard her cry, fuck, and scream constantly for the next two months. Every day,  at all hours. Whenever she'd wake me up I'd record her conversations.

3 AM on a Tuesday

Door slams. Hip-hop starts blaring, my neighbor is sloppily singing along to the hip-hop.

A young-sounding guy: Damn girl, you are the hottest white girl I've ever seen.
[Half hour later] Young dude again: C'mon girl, you're so sexy. You can't do this!
Neighbor: I just want to lie here and cuddle. I know your friends. Don't try anything with me.
Dude: Stop it! You can't do this to me. You're like the hottest older woman I've ever seen.
Neighbor girl: STOP CALLING ME OLD!

4 AM on a Monday

Door slams.

Neighbor: There's just something about being backstage with musicians. I'm so taken by them. That's why I like you.
Musician: Oh, cool.

(They fuck.)

6:30 AM on a Sunday

Wake up to fucking sounds. The guy finishes.

Neighbor: I love you. I SAID I LOVE YOU. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, RIGHT? YOU KNOW I FUCKING LOVE YOU! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! SAY IT! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!

I called my friend in LA, and asked him if he had her number.

"Who? Oh, her. She's awesome," he said. "Just knock on the door, I don't have her number." That night I left her a note under her door: Hi, please call this number. We need to talk. I waited and watched Tivo and tried to determine how many hours of sleep she'd cost me. Around midnight I heard her stumble in. A minute later the phone rang. Here we go: Vice: Hello?
Neighbor: Yeah. Someone told me to call this number. That was me. My name is Elly and I'm living next door.
OK. Um, do you think you could stop fucking so loud ?
Excuse me?

I think you have abandonment issues. You're never alone. You're so loud. I can hear everything. You sound mental. You're driving me crazy.
(Silence.) I can't ever sleep with you crying and screaming and fucking all the time. I can't stand you and your fucking life.
(Breaks down sobbing.)

Hello?
Today is the anniversary of my parents' death. A year ago today they died in an industrial accident. Both of them. Oh. Oh. Shit. Oh shit. Sorry. Whoa. I hung up, and moved out the next day. And I haven't been back to my friend's place since, but I've been thinking about her a lot. So if you're reading this, I'm really sorry about what happened to your parents and I'm sorry I said I couldn't stand your life. If I were you I'd be fucking my way through it too.

ELIANNA LEV