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MEET THE NIERATKOS - MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

I normally don't make New Years Resolutions because I am perfect. Kidding. I just never subscribed to the notion that for one day I should pretend to take note of the laundry list of flaws I need to work on. I try my best throughout the year to work on the areas I can or accept the fact that this is as good as I'm gonna get… and that ain't great. Then I had a kid on September 11th (NEVER FORGET) and I started to realize that I was most likely going to be doing a lot of yelling over the next 18 years and to save face I should probably try and correct some of the things I currently do that I'll be yelling at him about. So here are the six things I'd like to work on this year (in no particular order):

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Stop Biting My Nails

Fix My Green Toe Nail

At the first of my six colleges I lived in a dorm with showers in a communal bathroom. The idea of it grossed me out despite each shower having its own individual stall. Dudes are foul, squalid pigs and I felt just being in their company I'd catch some disease. And I did. Some foot fungus (and I wore flip flops in the shower). I have had yuck foot since 1993. I've begun treatment on it a few times: Once a doctor just cut the entire nail off; another doctor tried a topical ointment to no avail and another gave me pills which I in turn traded for other pills that were a helluva lot more fun. I don't want to give my kid nightmares about the Green Toe Monster that lives in daddy's shoe.

Brush My Teeth Before Bed

I've never in my life brushed my teeth before bed and then I wonder why my wife refuses to make out with me. Sure, she'll say it's because she's tired from nursing and mommying the baby all day, but I know it's because she's not in the mood for second-hand cheeseburger sub (she's a vegetarian) and cheap merlot. That's all about to change. 2010 is the year of the make-out! More than anything I don't want my teeth to end up like Lonnie's.

Drink More Water

I don't ever drink water; I drink coffee or beer. Or if it's winter I drink red wine. I don't know what disease you get if you don't drink enough water but I don't want it.

Have More Unprotected Sex

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I figure I'll die sooner or later and if we're actually going to have more kids, I should be keeping it raw with the Mrs so we can get the conception show on the road. I'll begin working on it after my summer Portugal skate adventure. I don't want to be 40 having kids and have them beat me because I'm old and feeble. I want to be the one doing the beatings.

Relearn Halfcab Heelflips

Believe it or not I used to be able to do this

trick

. Then I started with the drugs, got fat, lost my legs and now it's been over half a decade since I've flipped my board. My goal is to be able to do it before my summer Portugal skate adventure. And to make things interesting, I made a wager with my good friend and

skate poet

Jim Thiebaud

. I had him pick a trick he hasn't done in ages and we bet a $20 bottle of wine to whoever relearns theirs quicker. His trick is a tre flip, which I believe he'll do in no time at all. But we need each other for motivation. We both enjoy torturing each other (admittedly, me more than him) and to up the ante we have to film ourselves trying to relearn the trick and we have to send the footage to the other guy to use in any awful way we see fit. I have some really fun ideas of what to do with his footage: I'm learning Final Cut and just signed up for an account @

redtube.com

. CHRIS NIERATKO (For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com)