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Vice Blog

FUCK THESE FUCK-TABS

Here are the problems with this Tingotang shit. First, can you imagine the shitstorm that would erupt the first time a woman wore this to a crowded bar? It's a piece of jewelry designed to say, "Hey, too shy to talk, but don't think that means I won't fuck you." The media's been theorizing this kind of shit for eons--you know if it ever really came to pass it'd be like blowing up the dam holding back Rape Lake.

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But who are we kidding, no girl is ever going to wear one of these, except as part of a "let's see how sad things get when I where this to M2 Ultralounge" experiment for their blog ([email here](mailto:vice@viceland.com?subject=That fuck-tab thing that was actually a joke) if interested). This product belongs to a long family line of get-laid-quick schemes marketed exclusively to lonely, desperate men that started with Spanish Fly and is at least second-cousins with the penis pump. And which never work because no woman in her right mind wants to fuck the kind of lonely, desperate man who'll willingly spend money on a glorified fuck-tab. You're basically advertizing your continued celibacy.

Actually, ever noticed how much more hit-on you tend to get when you're already getting laid? Part of it is you're generally a lot more laid-back and not visibly driven by horniness, but another factor is that they can smell the sex on you and they want in. The ideal "dating aid" would be an object that plays off this principle and somehow communicates that you've got no problem with procuring the cooze, thank you very much. Like a wedding ring that turns invisible after you've exchanged more than three sentences? Someone at [company name] get back to us, stat.